Dear Merlin: I’m a big supporter of President Barack Obama, but I’m worried about his re-election. The Republicans are attacking him and even some of my fellow Democrats are mad at him. Some say Hillary Clinton might stage some sort of coup at the convention. Can you give me any magical advice that I could use to make sure my hero wins in November?
Hopeless Howie in Rapid City, S.D.
Dear Hopeless Howie: I find myself musing as to why, of all the wizards you could approach, you chose to approach a wizard who clearly belongs to a libertarian human. The last thing I need is for David to cease my supply of kitty chow because I helped get Sir Barry back into the … what do you call it? Ah, yes. The White Castle. But since I’m not particularly fond of that dry, crunchy cat fare in the first place, I shall take a bold step and make a few suggestions.
Keep in mind that if any of this works, I may need a new home because David might kick me out; I have ways of finding you and will expect you to return the favor. If it doesn’t work, then I take absolutely no responsibility, as it is entirely likely the Obama camp has wizards working for them, too. That’s the only logical explanation for their presence in Washington in the first place.
Back to the matter at paw, though. It seems you have three issues. The first is the obvious problem with your hero’s lack of, well, everything. But as you seem to be suffering from a bout of delirium regarding that, I shall move onto the other two issues: Hillary seeking to lead Ye Blue Horde, and the opposing party of pachyderms.
Let us deal with the Damsel of Distress first, as she is less of a threat to your champion knight of the oval table. I am tied into powerful mystical source networks that have informed me on more than one occasion that the woman is, in fact, a witch. That is her real nose (not a false one), and she does in fact weigh the same as a duck. I offer as further evidence the fact that back in 2008 she turned a fan of hers into a newt. Or was it that she turned Newt into a fan of hers? Alas, I may have gotten my whiskers crossed on that one. Nevertheless, she is a witch; take my meow for it. However, she is not a particularly powerful witch. Her spells often backfire, and she can’t even concoct a decent love potion.
If she had the power of any self-respecting sorceress, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict would have been solved two years ago. Thus I cannot imagine her making that much of an issue for Sir Barry. If she frightens you, however, I shall put you into contact with my friend Oberon, King of the Fairies, and he can turn her into an actual donkey. It’s only fitting, and he has experience in that field.
As for the Knights of the Republic and their leading contenders, your best bet is dragons. They are handy for a few reasons. First, they are one of the only ways you can kill shape-shifters (such as Mitt Romney), and they leave such a path of damage as to make it look as though no specific attack was rendered against the one person you are seeking to destroy. To be comfortable with this idea, you must be OK with taking advantage of the masses for the sake of your own agenda. As you are a Democrat, I assume you will have no problem with that whatsoever.
Dragons can be hired to wipe out an entire village, subdivision, or State House. Simply visit www.winged-mercenaries.com and give them the coordinates and hour upon which they should breathe their fiery destruction. I would ask, however, that you stay away from Ron Paul. He poses no threat to you, and he and I play bridge together. I’d hate to have to claw your face off or turn you into a toad.
Magical Merlin is available for tarot readings and personal strategic advice at parties, campaign events and corporate strategy sessions. There’s an extra charge for Magic 8-Ball readings. His advice is known to be wildly inaccurate and frequently contradictory, but he’s always arrogantly confident and has a cool hat — so you should believe him anyway.