For equality, we must redistribute eyeballs fairly, my friends

By David McElroy · June 30, 2011

Madam Speaker, I rise today in support of H.R. 7035, the Federal Eyeball Inequality Act of 2020.

Our great nation was founded on the principles of liberty and equality. Without liberty, we can’t be equal. Without equality, we can’t have liberty. So when some Americans are treated unequally, it’s an assault on the liberty of each and every one of us. We have a sacred duty to those Founding Fathers who fought and bled for our freedom to bring equality to every American.

Some may say that we are free and we are equal, because we see freedom and we see equality everywhere. But do we? Sadly, not all of us see those things equally — because not all of us see equally well. It is to rectify this incredible injustice that I beg you to join me in using the full moral might of this government to bring equal sight to all. To do less than pass this legislation is to confess before all of us that you hate equality and that you hate liberty.

Most people in our great land have two functioning eyeballs, while some struggle to exist in a dreary and barren land devoid of color or light or hope. No, friends, it’s not Detroit that I speak of. It’s the land of blindness. While most Americans take their sight for granted, these poor souls struggle to live. Those with two eyes aren’t morally superior. They didn’t earn their eyeballs. No, it was just a cruel twist of fate that gave some people sight and others darkness. And we are here today to bring light and hope to those without sight and without hope. No American could oppose this effort except out of greed and selfishness for himself and hatred for those who aren’t as fortunate as he is.

The plan we have presented to you is a compromise. Many activists in the Blind Rights Movement have long advocated cutting out the eyeballs of every sighted person, but this compromise legislation not only prevents complete blindness on the part of every driver and pilot in the land, but it shows just how far our blind friends are willing to go to compromise.

So how will our great plan work? This legislation will create a new Federal Sight Management Agency (FSMA), which will have the full power to control who has eyes and who doesn’t. As Jesus said in the Bible, “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” So Jesus was clearly teaching us that there should be no blind among us, but to be a one-eyed man is to be a king — something that any man should want. Our great new national plan will have the task of equally dividing the available eyeballs among all Americans. Yes, this will mean that some Americans will have to get by with only one eye for part of the time, but the FSMA will rotate the available eyes among the population every six months — to ensure that sight is shared and that partial blindness is shared by all.

If you can’t see that this program is all about liberty and equality, my friend, you are just as blind as the man with no sight at all. And if you feel that way, I’m very ashamed of your selfishness.

I do want to assure those who have asked that this bill includes a small provision that exempts members of Congress, their staffs and their families from this act. This small concession has been made in the name of national security, because we must always be vigilant in the protection of our citizens — and we need full sight to protect them.

My friends, some selfish people have tried to poison the discussion of this bill by discussing the issue of whether eyeballs are easily transplantable, but this is simply a diversion. We must trust the experts in the Blind Rights Movement and those of us here in Congress, not get bogged down in what eye surgeons might believe is possible or reasonable. Being fair and being equal is far more important than what might or might not be medically possible. Others have pointed to the deaths of thousands of people in 2015 when the Federal Kidney Redistribution Act was implemented, but to those selfish people, I say shame…. Shame on you. How dare you point to the past when sight and equality are shining as beacons calling us forward? Our good intentions are all that matter. The light of our moral goodness casts out the worries of the doubters who bring up unpleasant facts.

Bring the blessings of shared sacrifice to all, my friends. Make us all equal. Make us all free. Give Americans the vision they deserve. Make us all equal and make us all free by sharing the available eyeballs. Our Founding Fathers would be proud. Our blind children will be grateful — and never forget when you vote, we are once again doing this for the children. I urge you to join me in this moral crusade. Support this bill today.

I yield back the balance of my time.

Note: This is a shameless ripoff of something my friend, Doug Douma, has already done. Doug came up with this idea months ago and the version you just read was my input on the direction I’d take with it. You can read his published version here.

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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