For equality, we must redistribute eyeballs fairly, my friends

By David McElroy · June 30, 2011

Madam Speaker, I rise today in support of H.R. 7035, the Federal Eyeball Inequality Act of 2020.

Our great nation was founded on the principles of liberty and equality. Without liberty, we can’t be equal. Without equality, we can’t have liberty. So when some Americans are treated unequally, it’s an assault on the liberty of each and every one of us. We have a sacred duty to those Founding Fathers who fought and bled for our freedom to bring equality to every American.

Some may say that we are free and we are equal, because we see freedom and we see equality everywhere. But do we? Sadly, not all of us see those things equally — because not all of us see equally well. It is to rectify this incredible injustice that I beg you to join me in using the full moral might of this government to bring equal sight to all. To do less than pass this legislation is to confess before all of us that you hate equality and that you hate liberty.

Most people in our great land have two functioning eyeballs, while some struggle to exist in a dreary and barren land devoid of color or light or hope. No, friends, it’s not Detroit that I speak of. It’s the land of blindness. While most Americans take their sight for granted, these poor souls struggle to live. Those with two eyes aren’t morally superior. They didn’t earn their eyeballs. No, it was just a cruel twist of fate that gave some people sight and others darkness. And we are here today to bring light and hope to those without sight and without hope. No American could oppose this effort except out of greed and selfishness for himself and hatred for those who aren’t as fortunate as he is.

The plan we have presented to you is a compromise. Many activists in the Blind Rights Movement have long advocated cutting out the eyeballs of every sighted person, but this compromise legislation not only prevents complete blindness on the part of every driver and pilot in the land, but it shows just how far our blind friends are willing to go to compromise.

So how will our great plan work? This legislation will create a new Federal Sight Management Agency (FSMA), which will have the full power to control who has eyes and who doesn’t. As Jesus said in the Bible, “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” So Jesus was clearly teaching us that there should be no blind among us, but to be a one-eyed man is to be a king — something that any man should want. Our great new national plan will have the task of equally dividing the available eyeballs among all Americans. Yes, this will mean that some Americans will have to get by with only one eye for part of the time, but the FSMA will rotate the available eyes among the population every six months — to ensure that sight is shared and that partial blindness is shared by all.

If you can’t see that this program is all about liberty and equality, my friend, you are just as blind as the man with no sight at all. And if you feel that way, I’m very ashamed of your selfishness.

I do want to assure those who have asked that this bill includes a small provision that exempts members of Congress, their staffs and their families from this act. This small concession has been made in the name of national security, because we must always be vigilant in the protection of our citizens — and we need full sight to protect them.

My friends, some selfish people have tried to poison the discussion of this bill by discussing the issue of whether eyeballs are easily transplantable, but this is simply a diversion. We must trust the experts in the Blind Rights Movement and those of us here in Congress, not get bogged down in what eye surgeons might believe is possible or reasonable. Being fair and being equal is far more important than what might or might not be medically possible. Others have pointed to the deaths of thousands of people in 2015 when the Federal Kidney Redistribution Act was implemented, but to those selfish people, I say shame…. Shame on you. How dare you point to the past when sight and equality are shining as beacons calling us forward? Our good intentions are all that matter. The light of our moral goodness casts out the worries of the doubters who bring up unpleasant facts.

Bring the blessings of shared sacrifice to all, my friends. Make us all equal. Make us all free. Give Americans the vision they deserve. Make us all equal and make us all free by sharing the available eyeballs. Our Founding Fathers would be proud. Our blind children will be grateful — and never forget when you vote, we are once again doing this for the children. I urge you to join me in this moral crusade. Support this bill today.

I yield back the balance of my time.

Note: This is a shameless ripoff of something my friend, Doug Douma, has already done. Doug came up with this idea months ago and the version you just read was my input on the direction I’d take with it. You can read his published version here.

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Lucy just made possible friends with two little girls, but the girls are more enthusiastic so far than she is. Joy, 5, and Hope, 6, just moved in with their grandmother on my street. I didn’t know this, but while Lucy and I were walking, I heard a tiny voice from the darkness cry out, “Hi, doggie!” It took me a minute to figure out where the voice was coming from, but once I did, their grandmother, Rose, came out onto the porch and gave the girls permission to pet Lucy, which delighted the girls. Joy said she wasn’t allowed off her porch since she had socks and no shoes. Lucy was shy, but allowed them to pet her a bit, while the girls marveled about how soft she is. I hope Lucy will let them be her friends. It’s a joy to see how far Lucy has come since she came to live with me. She’s nothing like the “special needs dog” who I was told would never get close to anybody.

I’ve never taken YouTube very seriously as a publishing platform — not enough to do anything more than post the occasional random video — but I’ve started laying a foundation for doing more with it in the future. I created and uploaded some simple branding to my longstanding YouTube channel this weekend and I’ll be doing more in the future. The channel has only about 300 subscribers, so if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate it if you’d subscribe. As with all things on social media, subscriber counts and views help me to get future content seen more easily by others. Click here to visit the channel.

Don‘t appeal to any piece of paper or any tradition as the source of your freedom. You don’t have “constitutional rights.” You have natural human rights. If you appeal to a document as the source of your rights, you are admitting that politicians can come along and amend your rights at any time. A right is yours because you are a human being, but it means nothing if you don’t have the means and the willingness to defend it. The sad truth today is that almost all of us are at the mercy of politicians who ignore our natural rights — and they get away with it only because they have educated our fellow humans to believe we have no legitimate choice other than obedience. Rebellion without the ability to win is insane — so don’t make this argument to police, politicians or judges — but it costs you nothing to come to a clear-eyed understanding today of what your rights really mean and where they come from.

Spring always reminds me how glorious blue skies and green leaves can be. When I was in the second grade, Mrs. Arnold chastised me for using those colors together. She said they didn’t match. Mrs. Arnold had very specific rules about which colors could be used together. We couldn’t deviate from her rules. When I used green and blue together in one of my class drawings, she forced me to do it over, since she said those colors shouldn’t be used together. I was a polite and obedient child, but I asked her why they didn’t match — since God used them together in nature. She was exasperated and told me to follow her rules. So when I see glorious beauty which mixes green and blue — such as this photo I took just outside my office Friday afternoon — it always reminds me of Mrs. Arnold. It reminds me that she was wrong. And it’s a good reminder for us all. There are established rules about a lot of things. Many of those are good rules. But if an expert tells you something and you know he’s wrong, you might need to take a chance. He might be just as mistaken as Mrs. Arnold was.

In the coming months and years, we’re going to need inventive and productive people pursuing things that matter. We’re going to need smart and self-directed men and women who will find ideas and create enterprises that will help bypass the political class and build a new and better society. But everything I see in media right now seems geared toward telling people how to entertain and amuse themselves. The stories are full of advice about what to binge on Netflix and what games you should be playing while you’re stuck at home. We desperately need to ignore this advice and be looking toward building new futures instead. Being passive consumers got us where we are today. It’s time that we reclaim our former role — the one that made this country wealthy — as productive and free people who build far more than we consume. This could be a great opportunity for those who will take it. Turn off Netflix. Put down the video game controller. We need new ideas, new achievements, new goals — not more coach potatoes. This is the time to be thinking and creating and planning for the future that you and I both want.

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