• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • DavidMcElroy.TV

Feral cats and hurt people both require trust and patience to heal

By David McElroy · June 26, 2016

Bessie1

Although Bessie has lived inside with me for more than seven years, she’s still a wild, untamed and terrified little cat — just as she was when I brought her in from the cold on a freezing December night years ago.

Bessie and her sister, Molly, had lived on the streets around my house with their mother. They were a few months old when their mother suddenly disappeared. I took them in with the assumption that I could teach them to trust humans if they were loved and cared for. After all, I had done that repeatedly with other cats who had turned into loving companions.

But Bessie and Molly never learned to trust. They enjoy food and a safe place to sleep and live, but they have never accepted that it’s safe for me to touch them. Something in their feral genes or their early life on the street has taught them that humans aren’t to be trusted. So I just accepted long ago that I could give them a safe place to live but that they would never want human love.

In the last month, I’ve had reason to think I might have been mistaken. Maybe with even more time and work and love, Bessie might change.

Nearly a month ago, I had to catch Bessie to shave some mats out of her fur. She had gotten something into the fur of her back and she hadn’t been able to clean it out, so it had matted. She has only three legs, so it’s harder for her to clean some parts of herself than it is for other cats.

It was an ordeal to catch her — as it always has been — but I caught her and used the trimmer to shave the mats out. And while I had her, I thought I might as well take the chance to love on her again, in the hopes that she might accept it this time, even though she never has before.

Oddly, Bessie did something unusual that night. Out of the blue, I felt her muscles relax a little bit. She let me stroke her fur and she stretched out as though she might be enjoying it, grudgingly of course. She even purred quietly.

Over the next couple of weeks, I saw a remarkable transformation. Bessie started allowing me to love on her — at times, not always — and she didn’t always run from me. One day when I rubbed her as she lay on the fireplace mantle, she even lifted her one back leg — to expose her underside and show me where she wanted to be stroked. It was shocking and it made me very happy.

Bessie2As I started seeing this change in her, I found myself thinking — not for the first time — that earning the trust of a feral cat is very much like loving a hurting person who is falling apart.

I was once in love with a woman who was emotionally falling apart. I didn’t understand what was wrong at the time, but her behavior scared me. We had planned to marry. Most of the time, she was a brilliant, loving and amazing woman. Every now and then, she was unexpectedly a crying, angry, scared person — an emotional wreck.

When she was in the grips of whatever that was, she was like a feral cat. There was nothing I could do to help her at those times.

I backed out of marrying her because I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t have the patience to figure things out or consult an expert. I later understood that she was almost certainly suffering from some degree of a condition called borderline personality disorder. By the time I understood how I could have helped her — and provided an emotionally safe environment in which she could to heal — it was too late.

That relationship is ancient history, but I keep thinking about other people I know who are hurting — emotionally damaged in some serious way — and I can’t help but realize that dealing with them is a lot like dealing with a feral cat.

I know a very kind and loving man who has been living with a wife who’s been severely depressed ever since an emotional breakdown about a decade ago. He’s long-term tired and he’s frustrated and he’s lonely. He feels as though he’s lost his companion to a terrible illness called depression. He’s given up on her. If he didn’t feel so obligated to take care of her, he would walk away from her.

I can’t blame him, because I walked away from a woman I loved, too, and I didn’t deal with 10 years of dysfunction.

Sometimes we give up on people too quickly. Other times, we put up with far too much for far too long. I don’t know where the happy medium is. I doubt there are any rules.

There are times when you have to cut people out of your life. When people are causing physical or emotional damage, you have no choice. But when you have the time — and the risks are low — time and love can heal a lot of hurts, as long as you don’t give up.

I’ve come to believe that the woman I gave up on could have been emotionally healthy with enough love and support — given enough time and an emotionally safe environment. I’ll never know for sure, but I think so. And my experience with Bessie serves as a reminder that you never know when someone is about to finally respond to your love and patience.

Bessie will almost certainly never be a normal house cat. She’s always going to be skittish. There will be many days when she’s still going to run away and not let me touch her. (Today was one of those days.)

But there are days when she can relax and accept love. There are times — not often — when she can let go of her fear enough to lie on my chest and purr while I rub her.

I think a lot of people are the same way. They’re so damaged that they can never be completely over whatever has damaged them. They’ll always be scared. They’ll always have emotional triggers that make them run away.

But if you love someone and you want to make that person part of your life for good, things can change with time, love and patience. Providing a consistent loving environment can earn trust. And in the trust of that safe space, there can be room for healing.

Some of us will never completely get over damage that we’ve experienced. And others have experienced really difficult damage and nothing is going to help them at all. But for many, time, love and patience will earn some trust for you — if the effort is worth it to you.

I’m willing to invest that sort of effort into a love relationship if it’s necessary. I was once too afraid of what I saw and I didn’t think I could do it, but I know now that I can hold onto an emotional tornado and wait until the storm is over. It’s a conscious choice.

I might not always be quick to learn, but if I give her enough time, Bessie is going to teach me how to love her — and in doing that, she’s going to continue teaching me how to love hurting people, too.

Bessie3

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • Politicians have no right dictating the menu of your kid’s Happy Meal
  • What does it say about my life if my biggest motivation is a dog?
  • Lack of specific needs and wants makes my world feel meaningless

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl, so I suggest a response. I’ll put together a novelty act called Funny Bunny and the G-Men. Here’s what the costumes look like. (And the animated version doesn’t even need costumes.) Funny Bunny does satirical political songs while the G-Men chase him around. With the right humorous songs, this could be comedy gold. Who wants to write songs? 😃
This was the view on my left this evening as I dro This was the view on my left this evening as I drove home from work. This was on I-459 near the Cahaba River bridge. (I didn’t have my “real” camera in the car, so this is an iPhone photo.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I have always accepted as obvious the fact that yo I have always accepted as obvious the fact that you couldn’t take a halfway decent photo of the moon with a smartphone. (I don’t count the cheat that Samsung uses in some models to artificially create bits that don’t exist in the optical image.) But a friend shot a picture of the moon with her new iPhone 17 night or two ago, I so snapped one frame as I got out of the car just now. The resolution and detail aren’t great, but this is better than I expected. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #birmingham #alabama #iphone17pro
I hope this rainbow over I-459 on my way home is a I hope this rainbow over I-459 on my way home is a good omen for the weekend. 😃
I’m very happy to report that my promotion to st I’m very happy to report that my promotion to starship captain has finally come through, so I’ll be leaving Earth and heading to the stars very soon — just as soon as Starfleet has some uniforms in stock that fit chubby guys like me. Anybody else want to sign up and leave the planet with me. 🖖🏻#startrek
Here’s the sunset that caught my attention on my Here’s the sunset that caught my attention on my drive home just a few minutes ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I go back and forth between being fascinated and b I go back and forth between being fascinated and being horrified by what AI software can do now. When image generators were awful, it was easy to laugh at them, but what I’m seeing lately blurs the line between reality and total fabrication. I just asked ChatGPT to show me a family portrait for me — with a wife and two children — based on what it predicts as looking right for me. If I just saw this photo that it created, I would think these were real people. I might even think I have amnesia and don’t remember them. But three of them don’t even exist. It’s harder and harder to know what’s real online. At least I’m telling you directly that this is fake. I’m not pretending this is my hidden family that I just haven’t told you about. #AI
This is the sky view that greeted me as I stepped This is the sky view that greeted me as I stepped out of Walmart a few minutes ago. I didn’t have my “real” camera with me, but my old iPhone 14 did a pretty decent job. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
It no longer seems to function, but this payphone It no longer seems to function, but this payphone is still sitting on the side of the road just a couple of miles from my house. I would love to know the last time somebody was able to put a coin into this thing and make a phone call.
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

From the CritterCam: It’s a few minutes after 3 From the CritterCam: It’s a few minutes after 3 a.m. and I just found these pictures on the office webcam. The first one is Alex with his paws on the window sill as he stretches to look outside. I like the fact that you can see his reflection in the window in the dark. In the other one, Sam has taken over the spot for a nice little nap. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Oliver poses for a portrait on my desk a few minut Oliver poses for a portrait on my desk a few minutes before midnight. This confident boy has always had such soft fur that I started calling him “the Velveteen Kitten” when he was a baby — and I still call him that at times even though his kitten days are long behind him. (This presupposes that you’re familiar with “The Velveteen Rabbit,” but it’s worth looking up if you’re not.) #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I’m not sure Alex has moved too much from this s I’m not sure Alex has moved too much from this spot on the castle since late last night. He’s been sleeping in this spot for most the day Sunday. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I just arrived home after midnight and found Alex I just arrived home after midnight and found Alex giving me the look that lets me know he doesn’t approve of me being out so late instead of being home to hang out with him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Lucy decided earlier that it was too hard to climb Lucy decided earlier that it was too hard to climb onto the bed, but she just now found the energy to make the climb anyway — and she seems pretty proud of herself right now. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
There are some birds that have been hanging around There are some birds that have been hanging around the roof on the front of the house late Saturday afternoon, but Sam is making sure they can’t harm us. If actual combat is required, he has volunteered to go outside and eat them. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy’s not having one of her best days, but she Lucy’s not having one of her best days, but she still wanted to come hang out with me in the bedroom while I watch football Saturday afternoon. She’s lying down in the floor next to me now. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Oliver knows he’s not allowed in the bathroom, s Oliver knows he’s not allowed in the bathroom, so he’ll sit just outside the door and watch — but he certainly wants to come in here and help me with the laundry Friday evening. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
When I left the house Friday afternoon, Alex wasn’t even pretending to get any work done. He says that Fridays are for being lazy. Of course, he feels the same about every other day, too, but that’s beside the point. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Search

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

When I first heard about this, I thought it must be satire. When I discovered it was real, I was appalled, but I still thought it must be a one-time thing from some nutty activist. But it turns out it’s the latest bit of pandering to a bunch of far-left activists who believe that a man can become a woman if he decides to claim he’s a woman. As everybody knows, men have prostate glands. Women do not. Period. End of story. Men can get prostate cancer. Women cannot. But political activists are so eager to pretend that a man claiming to be a “trans woman” is really a woman that they are insisting that “women” be included in public health messages about the issue. This is nothing but political virtue-signaling. If you’re a man, you know which parts you have. You know that you ought to be screened. Nobody is made any safer by dragging far-left gender ideology into simple medical reality.

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this link. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and Lucy will thank you. And so will I.

© 2011–2025 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN