Can I talk myself into not wanting great things I fear I’ll never have?

By David McElroy · October 19, 2017

It’s been almost 30 years since I figured out — much to my surprise — that what I really wanted more than anything else vocationally was to be an artist. And I’ve spent most of the years since then explaining to myself over and over why this isn’t possible.

After enough reasonable explanation, I start getting numb to what I want. I forget what it feels like. I turn my attention elsewhere and tell myself that realistic people do other things. Maybe I can make filmmaking a hobby if I do really well for awhile at something I hate.

Doesn’t that make sense? I can make a few hundred thousand dollars a year as a real estate broker. How about that? Isn’t that more realistic? Sure. Why not. I’ll do that. It all makes so much sense. And it sounds so responsible.

And so I start burying what I know — every now and then, at least — that I want. Until somebody comes along and pokes a stick at something I try hard not to look at.

That’s what happened today.

I got a message from a friend early this morning asking whether I was working on any films right now. I always have at least half a dozen projects at various stages of development and one of them fit the sort of project he was curious about.

I explained the idea to him. It’s one of my favorite ideas and it’s been kicking around at various stages of script development for about 10 years. It would be funny and would also be interesting social commentary. It should be easy to understand for audiences and thus accessible to a wide enough range of people to give it a shot at being popular. Best of all, it seems to be within my capabilities as a filmmaker.

But instead of just being interested in the idea, my friend asked if I had ever considered a particular method of raising money to make a series of films. He had an idea. It was something I’d never thought about. It might work. It might be crazy. I have no idea. But my friend suggested that it might be realistic to raise about $50 million with this idea.

What I felt next is the interesting part of the story.

For a decade, I’ve wanted to make this film and others. But I’ve slowly convinced myself that it’s not that big a deal. I’ve slowly convinced myself that I must not want it very much. In fact, I want it so little that it would be better to be “realistic” and work in real estate. Or something like that.

But when my friend threw the crazy idea of $50 million at me, everything changed. I felt passion for making some movies. It sounded crazy to spend another day doing anything else. If I had $50 million — or $10 million or even a few hundred thousand dollars — I’d make a movie and then try to find the money to make another. And another. And another.

I have things I want to say. I have funny ideas that I want to see on the screen. I have movies that I would like to make for specific people and for myself. If I had the money, I would joyfully work hard to make the best art I could possibly make — and it wouldn’t be work as much as it would be the passion of sharing the ideas and emotions and humor that I love with others.

When my friend mentioned this crazy possibility, I wanted it badly. Not because I wanted the money. (Although the money would be nice, too.) I wanted it because making these films would be an expression of myself, not drudgery that I was doing to hope to be worthy of a future family who needed my financial support.

I have no idea whether what my friend mentioned today is possible or not. That’s not even the point here. The point is that when I thought filmmaking was possible, I knew I wanted it. And I knew I wanted to run away from doing anything else.

What about you?

What do you want that you are trying to convince yourself that you don’t want? What is it that you believe you can’t have? What need or desire are you repressing because you think it can’t happen?

Try this. For the next 60 seconds, just close your eyes and imagine what your life would be like if you really could have whatever it is you want. What does it look like? What does it sound like? What physical sensations come with it? Imagine that it’s real. Feel it vividly.

Now how does that make you feel?

If you allowed yourself to imagine the feelings honestly, you now know whether it’s worth setting your fears aside. In that moment of imagining, what did your heart tell you? Do you still want it? Or is your life just fine without it?

If your heart is fine without you having this thing, then move on. Quit looking back. If it doesn’t matter that much to you, why waste your time and energy?

But if your heart knew in your moment of imagination that you really do want it, then stop lying to yourself. If it’s something about which you have a choice, make the choice to give yourself the future you want and need.

I need someone to remind me of this every day, because most days I’m scared and my Lizard Brain is trying to talk me into being “realistic.” (I hate that word.)

My Lizard Brain thinks it’s a great idea to be a real estate broker. My Heart knows there’s no direction other than making films. But my Lizard Brain and my Heart are still fighting it out.

I hope my Heart can win, whether I can raise $50 million or not.

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A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

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