• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Our life choices dictate who will be there when it’s our time to die

By David McElroy · April 6, 2018

“So who’s gonna watch you die?”

Fifteen years after I first heard that line in the chorus of a Death Cab for Cutie song, it remains one of the most devastating questions I’ve heard. It was a gut punch to me because I didn’t know the answer for myself — and I still don’t.

In the song, “What Sarah Said,” the singer recalls being in a hospital watching and waiting as a loved one dies. (You can listen to the song below.) He recounts all the sights and sounds and smells of the intensive care unit. Then he says what’s really on his mind:

But I’m thinking of what Sarah said:
“Love is watching someone die…”

I’ve been thinking about life and death even more than usual lately. I keep thinking that the real answer to the question — of who’s going to be there — is about mutual trust. So who do you trust — who also wants to trust you?

My father’s recent brush with death — and the uncertainty surrounding his future — have obviously influenced my thinking, but I had already spent more time than most thinking about the cycles of life and death. I see the certainty of death as the thing that makes life so precious. Knowing life will end makes me desperate to avoid wasting any of the painfully few days I have.

Is there anything more lonely than death?

As far as we know, death is the one thing in life which each of us must do completely alone. The best we can hope for is to have people around us — people who genuinely love us and people who we trust — giving us comfort and sharing the vigil as we wait for death’s arrival.

If I were to die right now, I don’t know who would be there — and that makes me profoundly sad and afraid.

The people who watch us die are typically the family into which we were born — parents, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles — or the family we create for ourselves — husbands, wives, sons, daughters. There are also other friends who might be there, but the people we love and trust most tend to be among those two family groups.

Which of those people are there for you at the end depends on the choices you make for many years.

One of the last things my father said to me on the day I saw him briefly a couple of months ago was, “I will die a bitter man.” It was supposed to make me feel guilty, but it just reminded me that he really will die in bitterness. I feel empathy and sorrow for him, but I know he’s where he is in life now because of the choices he’s made for many years.

None of his three children are there for him. None of the women he’s loved — and who loved him — will be there for him. For every one of us, his actions pushed us away and destroyed trust. In the end, all he has are the hospital staff and a few decent and loving people who have known him for only a few years.

I don’t have a family anymore, at least not in any functional sense. My family of origin was doomed by years of dysfunction which we all handled in our own (very different) ways. There’s little left.

My desire to create and build a new family for myself hasn’t brought me what I need. Not yet. When I divorced years ago — a “friendly divorce” from someone I have nothing but high regard for — I assumed I would quickly marry again. I’ve been engaged twice since then and I’ve backed out both times. I regretted my choice in one case but I know I made the right decision in another case.

It’s rare when I even find someone I’m interested in, but those few times haven’t led to what I had hoped. As I think about the women I’ve loved or who have loved me, I see them in very different ways when I think about death.

Would I trust her if I were dying?

Would I want to be the one taking care of that one as she died?

I realize with sadness that I couldn’t trust that one. She destroyed all my trust and wasn’t who I thought she was. Another one I realize tenderly would have been there for me and I would have been there for her. And I move on through a very short list, seeing some good and some bad.

But whatever has happened — and no matter why it happened — I’m alone now. My decisions have left me alone. With no one to be there with me if the time suddenly came for me to die.

This saddens me and it hurts me. It makes me regret not having made better choices — about who to trust and about who to give my heart to.

It makes me feel incredibly alone.

I expect to be around for many decades, but I could die tomorrow. Any of us could. If death came for me tonight, there would be no one there. Even if I made it to a hospital to die, I would die with strangers.

And that brings into stark focus what the stakes are for me.

I don’t want to end up like my father. I want love from my family. Since I don’t have the family I started with in life, my only hope is creating a new one. I’ve known that for years. I’ve craved that for years. But somehow, it doesn’t seem to have brought me to where I need to be.

I want a wife who I love and trust so much that I know she would be there to watch me die if it were necessary. I want someone who loves and trusts me so much that she knows with all her heart that I would be the one to hold her hand and kiss her cheek if the time came for her to die. I would be there with her all of the way.

It sounds so simple. It looks simple in movies. But real life is rarely that simple.

Something has to change for me. I have to make choices that bring me the family I need. I don’t want to die bitter and alone.

I know my choices are ultimately responsible for who’s there when I die, but I feel completely lost about what my choices right now ought to be. It’s terrifying.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • Diagnosis of cancer forces you to decide quickly what really matters
  • Outraged folks around world letting Diane Tran know she’s not alone
  • Black ex-congressman speaks truth about racial ‘groupthink’ on voter ID

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I just looked up as I was walking to my car and noticed how beautiful the world around me is. I get so accustomed to seeing this sort of mundane beauty that I barely notice it at times. This was just a reminder for me that things can be stunningly beautiful when we pay attention. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #birmingham #alabama
Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly not Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly nothing close to a kitten — as he sits next to a bright light on my desk Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
This was what I saw when I looked to the west in L This was what I saw when I looked to the west in Leeds just after sunset Friday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #natu The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #night #clouds #birmingham #alabama #iphone14
My new kitten doesn’t have a name yet, but he’ My new kitten doesn’t have a name yet, but he’s ready for his first photography lesson. He likes the Sony A7 IV, it seems. And if you like kittens, you’ll find a ridiculous number of photos and videos of this little fellow at @themcelroyzoo. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #sonya7iv
Just after midnight, most of the storms have passe Just after midnight, most of the storms have passed through and it’s died down enough for Lucy to take a quick bathroom break in the back yard. But the gentle rain and occasional soft lightning make the sky overhead beautiful while we’re out here. #nature #sky #night #lightning #rain #birmingham #alabama
Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attent Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attention from me as I start turning lights off for the night in the office. (Just as a reminder, most of my cat and dog photos are at @themcelroyzoo instead of here.) #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
By the time I get home this time of year, things l By the time I get home this time of year, things look a bit different in the back yard when I go out with Lucy, as compared to the warmth and daylight at this time of evening a few months ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon has this huge ring around it, but I don’t recall what it is. This phenomenon has fascinated me for years and it looks beautiful out here tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #night #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happ The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happy weekend. Lucy seems to find joy in everything — and she brings joy to everyone she touches. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be w It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be willing to eat early today if that would make my evening schedule less hectic. He’s just super accommodating that way. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch most of the folks in the neighborhood cutting grass this afternoon. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle and he seems to be annoyed that I’ve come back to the office after midnight to grab a few things. I’d better get out of here before he throws me out. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portra Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portrait late Thursday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday nigh Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday night in the office. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on t Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on the corner of my desk next to a lamp. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday night, but I’m not entirely sure he understands all the rules. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2023 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN