• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

What if narcissistic vampire bit me but he never finished the job?

By David McElroy · September 5, 2018

I live at the intersection of Shame and Humiliation.

This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I’ve talked over and over about the effects of growing up with a narcissistic father and an unstable mother who left us. The more I studied narcissistic personality disorder over the last decade, the more sense my childhood made — and the more I understood my father’s continuing patterns.

Until he died — almost five months ago — I was always trying to understand more about narcissism as a way to defend myself against him. That was always the context. Now that he’s gone, though, my thinking has changed in a very uncomfortable way. More than ever, I’m having to confront the question of what his abuse did to me — and how it affects the person I am today.

Imagine a vampire story in which the vampire bites his victim — starting the process of turning him into another vampire — but then something happens and the vampire is killed. The would-be victim is rescued and he goes back to the normal world. But the victim carries an unseen poison within, even though nobody can see that and he never becomes an actual vampire.

That’s where I am. There are two stages of becoming a narcissist. The first is being taught to feel deep shame and the second is learning to strike out against others as an abuser — as a defense mechanism against the shame. I escaped becoming an abuser — but I struggle with the shame.

When it comes to narcissism, we all tend to focus on the abuse itself. (That’s understandable.) Few people comprehend what’s underneath the abuse, and I suspect that’s because many hurting victims are too angry at the pain — and too eager to find a way to escape a pattern they’re locked into — to care about the narcissist’s internal pain. The idea that the narcissist is in pain and suffers immensely is almost insulting, because it can be seen as justifying the narcissistic abuse.

But narcissists become what they are because of the intense shame they feel inside. They don’t feel good enough. They hate themselves on some deep level. Their real selves are so fragile and damaged that they construct a false self to project to the world. I used to assume that a narcissist’s projection of a false self was mostly a matter of trying to get others to accept that false self — to hide what they really are from the world.

But I now understand that narcissists are mostly trying to convince themselves. They are terrified of what they believe they are. They’re afraid they have no worth. They’re afraid they’re not worthy of being loved. They’re afraid if anybody really knows them, that person will reject them.

I’m not trying to create sympathy for the narcissist by understanding this. I’m trying to understand the mechanism by which the abusive situation is created. All the victims see is the abuse. The victims and others who watch the narcissist just want to get away from this terrible person (as they should). They don’t understand that there’s a hurting person lurking beneath the abusive exterior. For the most part, it wouldn’t help to understand it, though, because the narcissist is typically so disconnected from reality (and his own true self) that he couldn’t become vulnerable enough to understand his own pain and start to heal.

Social work researcher Brené Brown has done a lot of work about shame and what it really means in humans. She says, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love.”

When you understand that — that a narcissist is someone in incredible pain about his own self-worth — it becomes easier to understand why he becomes a person who lashes out at others. It doesn’t justify any of the abuse, but it starts to make sense why it happens.

Here’s something I’ve started to understand more clearly about myself. My father’s abuse took me through the first stage of learning to be a narcissist. He taught me that I wasn’t good enough. He taught me that I wasn’t worthy of being loved for what I was. He taught me that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

In other words, the narcissistic vampire bit me. I was infected with shame — but something went wrong with the dysfunctional process of becoming a narcissist. Something in me wouldn’t move on to becoming an abuser.

I’ve talked with you before about the painful period about 10 years ago when I first started learning about narcissism and I had to be brutally honest with myself about the ways in which I had learned some unconscious behavior patterns from my father. There’s no way I can explain how hurtful that was — to see that I was acting in some ways that made me fear I could be like him.

It would have been even more painful — in a way that was unthinkable — to realize what I’ve seen now. I had already numbed myself to the shame I had been taught to feel. By doing this, I was halfway down the narcissist road. The only thing that saved me was becoming conscious of what it was and then becoming intentionally vulnerable with others.

You might recall that I wrote last spring about why I have to be so vulnerable about my flaws. I was trying then to explain this process — in terms remarkably similar to what I’m saying now — but I think I’ve come to understand it even better today. You see, being open with you about my flaws and failures prevents me from having to have a false self which could lead me into narcissism.

If I’m open with you about what I am — my fears, my failures, my shame — I can’t have a false self to defend. The downside, of course, is that I feel shame about admitting to the things most people hide. I feel shame about not projecting that I’m perfect. I feel shame about showing myself to be someone who you might not love. But this stops me from deceiving either one of us — and that self-honesty short-circuits the mechanism which could make me act like a narcissist.

This has been on my mind constantly for the last few days because of something I got angry about Sunday afternoon. The specifics don’t matter. I was rightly annoyed about something, but I felt irrational anger that made me want to strike out at someone — and I’ve come to realize that this sort of irrational anger is always a sign that I’m accessing an emotionally unhealthy part of myself.

When I feel that way, I disengage from the situation and think about what I’m feeling. It never fails that I feel as though someone else has control. It never fails that I feel small and vulnerable and worthless. When I feel those ways, I feel as though I’m under attack. When that happens, my defensive instinct is to strike out in anger — verbally, not physically — and that’s when I have to disengage and get a handle on what I’m feeling.

When I’m in the midst of such feelings, I feel terrible about myself. I feel worthless. I feel unloved (and feel as though nobody will ever love me). I feel as though I’ll never be good enough to do or be what I want to do and be. It’s a very destructive place to be — and I absolutely must deal with it.

The psychiatrist Carl Jung said, “Shame is a soul-eating emotion,” and I know that to be true. Shame can be so damaging that you feel you have nothing left and nothing to live for. It’s a terrible place where I sometimes find myself.

I don’t know why I never turned into the abuser that my father was. I’d like to think I’m just a better or smarter or wiser person than he, but I doubt that’s true. Whatever the reason, I now see the pattern that started working its way through me when the narcissistic vampire bit me. He kept injecting me with his poison, but it somehow never completely “took.” I never became what he was — and the more I understood the process that was going on, the easier it was to avoid it entirely.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get away from the shame entirely. I might live the rest of my life constantly afraid that I’m not worth being loved and that anything which goes wrong for me emotionally is because I’m fundamentally flawed. I hope not, but that might be my reality. I know that I’m intensely sensitive about some things which a lot of people would find to be “harmless kidding.” The people in my life have to understand that — and I have to constantly work to stop defensive reactions which would otherwise have me lashing out.

The one thing I know for certain is that I will never be an abuser. I know too much about this process — and I’ve worked too hard to be open about who my real self is. I have to keep working hard to be more and more honest — with those few who care to see — to avoid having the need to build a false self to protect.

I suspect the only thing that’s ever going to change the shame is long-term consistent love of being part of an emotionally healthy family — having a wife and psychologically healthy children. Right now, I fear that I’ll never be loved by the sort of woman I need. That’s my biggest terror, because it would “prove” my worst fear — that I’m not worthy of being loved.

It’s all complicated. I still have a lot to learn. I’m just grateful that I started down this long path of self-discovery 10 years ago. I’m very thankful that the narcissistic vampire who raised me didn’t finally turn me into the clone who he always desired me to be.

I might share some of his shame, but I will never share his abusive ways. I will love instead — and I will try to be someone who is worthy of being loved.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: family, father, love, narcissism, psychology, shame

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Fri This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Friday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. an I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. and it suddenly started getting beautifully pink and magenta in the sky beyond the trees. I didn’t have time to go get my “real” camera, but this is what my iPhone caught of the lovely little display around us. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunrise #birmingham #alabama
I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the studio tonight, but I never figured out a way to get him to look at the camera. He was fascinated by the studio, though, and he purred the whole time. This was the place where I took the first photos of him on the night I captured him when he was a feral kitten. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I’ll let you know if any of the toy companies agree to pick this up as a featured toy for the upcoming Christmas season. Thanks, ChatGPT. 😺
Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped on the way home — about a mile from my house — for some dramatic lightning photos. #nature #naturephotography #sky #lightning #night #thunderstorms #birmingham #alabama
This was the Friday evening sunset near my house a This was the Friday evening sunset near my house about half an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and it’s just starting to rain lightly. The misting rain and low-lying fog that diffused the light from nearby street lamps give the night a magical feeling.
It seems as though the trees turned bare of their It seems as though the trees turned bare of their leaves almost overnight when I wasn’t paying attention. This is part of the neighborhood route that Lucy and I walk every night. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #iphone #birmingham #alabama
I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonigh I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonight as Lucy patrols the neighborhood for her final rounds of the day. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #clouds #iphone #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

Sam has actually gotten out of his bed for a few m Sam has actually gotten out of his bed for a few minutes early Friday afternoon, but I’m betting he’ll be back in the bed soon. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Just after sunrise Friday morning, Alex and Sam ar Just after sunrise Friday morning, Alex and Sam are sharing the cat bed on my desk. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex loves to chase a fabric mouse more than any o Alex loves to chase a fabric mouse more than any of the other games I play with him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Sam is curled up into a little circle on the cat b Sam is curled up into a little circle on the cat bed on my desk late Thursday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” here’s Thomas from For “throwback Thursday,” here’s Thomas from almost two years ago. He was already an old man who was declining rapidly by this point and I lost him a couple of months later. He was still handsome and distinguished all the way to the end. Thomas had been a feral adult when I took him in, so it was a long journey for him to be as happy and relaxed as he was for his last few years. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Just before midnight, Sam has been watching cars d Just before midnight, Sam has been watching cars drive in front of the house and generally keeping an eye on the neighborhood. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Although Oliver was alert and watching the neighbo Although Oliver was alert and watching the neighborhood when I got home, Alex was being his usual lazy self as he snoozed in the cat bed on top of my desk. He didn’t seem inclined to wake up to greet me this time. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
When I got back home a few minutes ago, Oliver was When I got back home a few minutes ago, Oliver was on Neighborhood Watch on the end of my desk right next to a window. He hadn’t been vigilant for the entire time I was gone, though, because I got notifications about an hour ago that all of my Internet-connected devices were offline. It turned out that one of the cats had unplugged the router, but I can’t tell which one of them is the guilty party. Nobody will admit to anything. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex was still playing when I left the house Wedne Alex was still playing when I left the house Wednesday afternoon. As I walked out of the bedroom, he tried to swipe at my arm. He’s a sneaky boy. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Search

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this link. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and Lucy will thank you. And so will I.

© 2011–2025 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN