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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Once you taste what is possible, you can’t accept being ‘normal’

By David McElroy · November 1, 2018

As far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be great. But as soon as I was old enough to understand ego and humility, I felt guilty for wanting to be great.

I was 5 years old when it first consciously occurred to me that I might be important. I’m embarrassed to tell things such as this — because it can sound like childish immaturity — but there was more than that to what it felt like.

I was outside of our home on Holly Hill Drive in Atlanta. I was studying the foundation of the house and trying to figure out how the house was built. Suddenly, it occurred to me out of the blue that there were five people in my family and that I was now 5 years old. Somewhere in my immature little brain, this seemed important.

This coincidence made me feel important. And for the first time in my conscious memory, I was struck by the feeling that I had a responsibility — not to myself and my ego, but to others — to do something meaningful. I had an intense desire to do something important — to be someone important — and to somehow give my life great meaning for the world.

Ever since that day, I have gone back and forth in this struggle. Something deep inside me still feels called — in the divine sense of the word — to be great somehow. Not in the sense of pampering my ego, but in the sense of changing the world in some significant way — of living a life that makes a difference for others.

But at the same time, there’s another part of me which pooh-poohs that idea and wants to let the world fall apart while I withdraw and become a hermit. I go back and forth between these two radically different plans.

When God called Moses to go bring his people out of Egypt in the biblical story, Moses first refused. He said he couldn’t do it. He had a number of excuses. I’m certainly no Moses, but there’s something in the story that accuses me in the same way.

The Hebrew Bible also tells us the story of Jonah. God told Jonah to go deliver a simple message to the people of Nineveh. He was supposed to warn them to turn from their sins or else face the wrath of God. The story tells about how Jonah didn’t want to do this. In various ways, he tried to escape the call God had placed on him — but God refused to allow him to run.

After almost losing his life, Jonah finally gave in and obeyed God — and the people of Nineveh repented when they heard his message.

All of my life, I have gotten a taste of what greatness could be like for me. My notions of what it would feel like — and how it could affect people’s lives — have changed as I grew and matured.

I first wanted to be Capt. James T. Kirk, commanding a starship and exploring the universe. Then I wanted to shatter the world of politics. When I was a teen-ager, I started wanting to become president of the United States. I didn’t know quite why — especially since I understand politics now in a very different way than I did then — but I thought it would be my place from which to be great. This wasn’t a passing whim. For years, it was my very firm goal.

At other times, I wanted to be a Baptist minister and an electrical engineer and a psychologist and a dozen other things. Every time I had a new narrative for how my life could change the world for others, I saw the story playing out in a little bit different way — but the end result was always the same.

I was struck tonight by a line in one of Donald Miller’s recent books. He wrote, “Once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life and you can’t go back to being normal. You can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

I feel as though I have stepped into living “a good story” several times, only to retreat for one reason or another. But in each case, I’ve tasted what a life of meaning can feel like — and I can’t possibly want to live a “normal life,” no matter how much some people probably wish I would.

I value things which “normal” people don’t value. I’m oblivious to things which most “normal” people do value. I don’t want what they want. I don’t want their lives. I don’t want the meaningless lives which so many of them lead. I want to be great — to live a life of meaning, as I understand it.

I was around a couple of businessmen Thursday afternoon when it suddenly occurred to me that nothing about us was alike. There was absolutely nothing wrong with them. They like living a normal life and just surviving until it’s time to retire with a pile of money. If that’s who they are, that’s their business.

But it’s not who I am.

I’d like money. I’d like power. I’d like those things because they can facilitate changes I’d like to make in the world and they can make my life more comfortable for me and for my family. But the things which get me excited are much bigger and much longer term.

They might be focused on their 15-year-plan for retirement. I’m more interested in my 1,000-year-plan for changing the world.

I’m still ambivalent. I still often want to leave the world alone and let it fall apart on its own. I still want to run off and become a hermit with whoever would run away with me.

But I also need to be great. I also need to accept a calling which I’d rather not accept. I also want to live out a life of exciting meaning and love, along with someone with the depth and foresight to appreciate the calling and the “mission.”

God uses people who are flawed and weak, and he uses those who try to run from their calling. But if God ever uses me to do something great in the world, it will show he is a great comedian — one who laughs at our silly plans for our lives.

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It was too cloudy last night for me to take a phot It was too cloudy last night for me to take a photo of the lunar eclipse, so I missed the beautiful red image that I saw from others. But the sky overhead tonight is crystal clear — and the moon seemed especially bright — so I snapped a shot anyway. I don’t really have the right lens for this since I have to blow it up massively when I shoot at 240mm. Surprisingly, this image was made at 1/250th of a second at f/6.3 and ISO 250. I’d like to have a longer lens for such a shot, but it’s not worth the money since I’d rarely use it. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
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I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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