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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Starting over is a sign of strength, not a plea of weakness or failure

By David McElroy · December 14, 2018

About 12 years ago, I was at the height of my outward success. I was making a lot of money as a political consultant. I was well-regarded in my field, so I could choose my clients. I dated attractive women and I was about to make my first film.

From the outside, everything looked great.

I had the material things I wanted. I drove nice cars and took the sorts of vacations I wanted. One of the women I dated was a model who was just starting to get into managing models. She was convinced she could get work for me — at least local work — as a model/actor in advertising. (She took this photo when she was trying to convince me.)

On the inside, though, nothing had ever been quite right for me. I didn’t know why. Something was missing. Something was wrong — and I had come to realize that the world doesn’t work the way I had been taught. I was lost.

My journey from then to now has been a complicated one. But as I look back on it — a trip which took me into poverty, loneliness, shame and embarrassment — I realize it all made sense. I had to finally become strong enough to throw away much of what I thought I knew — and start all over again.

If you could read everything I’ve written on this site over the last seven years, you would see a good bit of my evolution. When I started writing here, I wrote mostly about politics. For several years, I had a decent following as a political writer, mostly telling people who already generally agreed with me what they wanted to hear.

I quickly tired of that — and I spent some time wandering through wilderness trying to figure out what I wanted to say and what I wanted to be. Some of that is reflected here. I slowly became far more emotionally vulnerable with you. I rarely talk about politics (other than to beg you to get away from it). I’ve spent the last few years trying to figure out how to express a growing collection of ideas in my mind and heart, even if I didn’t have a good name for them.

I’ve finally realized lately exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to reflect my own changing ideas about what’s important in life. I’ve been building a roadmap for myself — a way out of the hole I’d dug for myself — and I’ve been sharing with you the parts that seem worthwhile.

We all start out in life thinking that we understand life and understand where we’re going. For most of us, though, there’s a point at which something gnawing on the inside makes it plain that the things we thought were important aren’t enough. Most of us experience some crisis that brings us to the point that we can either give up and live an empty life — or we can choose to start over, examining what we were taught and rebuilding our ideas about which things are worth living for.

For me, this choice was foreshadowed in an old personality inventory before I had really even gotten to this point. On this now-defunct system called ANSIR — the brilliant developer died of cancer, unfortunately — I was known as the “Visionary.” It said this type is very successful early on but eventually ends up in rebellion against the things they had thought were important.

“The treadmill of youth that once ran so smoothly now jerks along mindlessly,” the profile of Visionary reads about that point when they grow dissatisfied. “Their natural drive and curiosity are replaced by apathy. Disillusionment and dissatisfaction mount, until one day the hollowness inside them erupts into a roaring crescendo of deafening, threatening self-doubt. Without invitation or shove, they leap off the treadmill. Stepping on every sidewalk crack along the way, Visionary heads home, where, in profound soberness, they take stock of their self and their life. What they learn, during this Visionary-common experience, decides whether they’ll begin living as born and meant, or continue much as before; by dictate of circumstance.”

I’ve spent the last decade or so in that process. It was complicated for me by dealing with unexamined baggage from a dysfunctional family and it led me at times to make decisions that I might have questioned otherwise. But I did “leap off the treadmill” of the life and values and beliefs I had been given — and I’m slowly ending up at a place of living “as born and meant.”

I finally became strong enough — and got past enough of the shame — to start over with no fear of what others might think. I finally had a blank slate. I could finally make my life whatever I wanted it to be.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this process lately because I’ve been working on the changes I’ve told you are coming to this site. I needed to get very clear about exactly what I was doing before I could recreate the site to reflect my current direction.

Most people reach a point of needing to start over, but very few have the guts to jump off the treadmill and make the change. Almost all of them — in my experience — are going to continue with what they’re doing, even though they’re miserable, as they live “by dictate of circumstance.”

If you’re one of those miserable people who’s not interested in change — who’s unwilling to throw away past mistakes and start anew without shame — you’re not who I’m talking to here. I’m not writing to you, because nothing I say could be relevant to you. If you’re not willing to start over if you need to do so, nothing I say matters to you.

I’m talking to the one who was superbly confident about life and who could do no wrong when he or she was young. I’m talking to the one who bought into the things his or her school and parents and preachers taught which turned out to be empty. I’m talking to the one who feels an unfamiliar hollowness on the inside that threatens to erupt “into a roaring crescendo of deafening, threatening self-doubt.”

If you’re unhappy with where you are in life, how are you going to change that? If you’ve messed your life up with decisions you regret — because of poor judgment or messed-up family psychology or mistaken values or whatever caused those decisions — you’re not going to be able to dig yourself out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself by applying the same dysfunctional thinking that got you into the hole.

You have to change the root cause of what got you there — or else you’re destined to spend the rest of your life in that hole.

I realize now that I’ve been talking to those who are in that position. I’ve been explaining some of what I’ve learned. I’ve been exploring some of my lessons. And I’ve been encouraging you to make the changes you need to make.

In the coming weeks and months, you’re going to see me do that in a far more direct and obvious way. I’m still going to be writing the same sorts of things I’m writing now, but it’s going to be framed with an explanation of this process — and with an overt call to change.

As I’ve gone through this process of changing the site recently, I’ve faced some technical challenges, but the biggest challenge has been to get very clear on what my core message is — for myself and for you. It’s been emotionally draining, but it’s left me in a better place, because I can see where I’m going — and I can clearly see who I want to bring along with me.

If you want to cling to your past — the lies you believed about how the world works and about what should be important to you — you’re wasting your time with me. Nothing here can possibly interest you.

But if you have the courage to face yourself and admit your mistakes — and then to commit yourself to fixing those mistakes — you’re going to want to stick around.

Starting over isn’t for losers. It’s not for wimps. It’s not for weak people. Beginning again can mean a chance to reinvent yourself and a chance to get your life to where it should have already been. It’s hard work. It requires honesty and vulnerability. It requires pushing yourself beyond what you thought you could do.

But if you took a wrong turn along the way — as almost everybody did — you’ll be amazed at the life you can make for yourself — with new values and new directions — by giving yourself a clean slate.

I hope you care enough about yourself to come on this journey with me.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: ANSIR, personality, psychology, starting over, success, visionary

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This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I hung out to work for awhile this evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. Nothing fancy. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is what the sky looked like just after sunset This is what the sky looked like just after sunset earlier this evening. I couldn’t decide whether to show you the wider view or the closer view, so you got both. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I came along just in time to see this color before the light was completely gone. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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