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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Love is best thing to happen to us
or it becomes self-imposed prison

By David McElroy · February 18, 2019

I almost never think about Julie anymore, but she was once very important to me. She was the first woman I became involved with after I divorced years ago. She was just getting out of a very abusive marriage. In many ways, we were a good fit.

For about a year, she was my constant obsession. But she had too many issues in her life and we started drifting apart. The last time I saw her was when I’d traveled to see her and she dropped me off at the airport for my trip home. We weren’t mad at each other, but nothing was right.

We didn’t talk again for another month. I can’t remember exactly how things played out after that. The details are fuzzy — mostly because it hasn’t mattered to me in a long, long time.

When I was going through that year, I thought I was in love with Julie — not her real name — and I thought about her constantly. She was beautiful and brilliant. Funny and kind. She had many of the qualities I want — and we talked seriously about a future together.

I could see myself with Julie. With all my heart, it was what I wanted. And now — with the benefit of these years away from her — I’m thrilled that I didn’t get what I wanted.

I’m thinking about this today because I happened to see a picture of her last night. It was an odd coincidence that I came across the photo online, because she lives nowhere close to me and we share no friends. She’s married to a pastor now and I came across a photo of the two of them together.

“I’m so lucky that didn’t work out,” I found myself thinking.

When we think we love someone, we can be blind to this person’s faults. Even if we see the negatives, we can easily think we can overcome the problems. That’s what I thought with Julie.

A few years after she and I completely cut off communication, I got a letter from her out of the blue. It seemed like a pleasant feeler. She asked how I had been and those sorts of routine questions. I happened to be going through some counseling with a psychologist at the time — about childhood related issues. I had told the psychologist about this relationship before, so I mentioned getting the letter.

“Burn it!” the psychologist said emphatically. “She’s a very unhealthy woman and you don’t need her in your life.”

I knew she was right and I never wrote back. I don’t know why Julie had written, but I knew I had moved on. Nothing about her mattered to me anymore.

I believe there’s nothing more important in our lives than finding the love we need. That won’t come as a surprise to you. I don’t say it as a wide-eyed and innocent teen. I say it as someone who’s been hurt by loving the wrong people — or maybe by loving the right people at the wrong time. It’s hard to say.

But even knowing how painful love can be, I know it’s worth taking chances on, because there are few things we need as much as we need real love.

As much as I recommend taking risks to have the love we need, I know that love comes with powerful risks. And I’ve come to see that the biggest risk — at least some of the time — is the possibility of getting what we desperately want.

When I was involved with Julie, I fervently hoped we would end up together. Today, I know how terrible that would have been for me. I thank God — literally — for not giving me what I wanted.

And that leaves me with a question I’ve pondered many times. If I can look to my past and know there have been times when I wanted things — relationships or business situations, for instance — so much I became obsessed with them. But with many of them, I can look back and say I’m glad they didn’t happen.

And if that’s true, how can I know that I won’t feel the same way — one day down the road — about things which I desperately want today?

How can we ever be certain that what we want is the right thing? How can we ever know that we wouldn’t be disappointed if we got what we think we want?

I don’t have great answers to these questions. I can just tell you what my gut instinct says. And I’ll use a metaphor that just occurred to me because of something I just saw.

There’s a television on in the restaurant where I’ve come for dinner and it’s showing a women’s college basketball game between Notre Dame and North Carolina State. I haven’t been paying attention to the game, but I just looked up and saw something that felt like a metaphor.

One of the N.C. State players — a tall blonde whose name I missed — was all by herself with the ball. She was wide open and she started to go up for a shot, but she hesitated. In the moment of hesitation, a Notre Dame defender got back to her and the open look was gone. She was covered and had to pass the ball instead of score.

That’s the way love can be. There can be times when we’re wide open and we have a shot at getting what we need, but if we hesitate too long, the chance is gone. By not taking the shot, we can avoid some potential kind of loss, but we also can’t score. We can’t have any hope of finding what we need if we don’t take the shot.

Maybe there was a window during which Julie and I were on the right path together and if we had both decided to take a shot, we could have been good for each other. But once that moment was gone — when the “open shot” was gone — things never could have aligned for us after that.

I can’t take a metaphor too far, but in the brief moment when I just saw that play, it made all the sense in the world.

There is a window of time during which love can work for two people, but that window eventually closes and both move on like ships that will never encounter one another again. It’s hard to know how long the window of opportunity can stay open, but I’m certain of one thing.

Every time I have loved a woman, she was the only one I wanted. For me, the window of opportunity was open. But for every one of them — except one — that window eventually closed and I moved on to love someone else.

I still think I know what I want today. I haven’t been able to help myself. But I’ve felt this way before about others. The window of opportunity is still open today, but if nothing changes, it will one day close without warning. And then I’ll find myself looking back on one more woman with a realization that the opportunity for something I wanted had completely ended.

When we fall in love, we place our heart in a cage. When we’re in love, nobody else can touch our heart except that one person. We want nothing else. But when a heart is left alone — without love or attention — it eventually finds a way to open the door to the cage and it flies away in search of what it still needs.

And we keep repeating this awful pattern until we finally find the right connection with the right person at the right time — for once in our lives.

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This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
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I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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