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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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We need loving communities so we can know, ‘You’re not alone’

By David McElroy · February 19, 2019

The woman was sitting at a booth with two young children. I didn’t think that much about her, but I did notice she looked exhausted and sad. They were sitting near me at a restaurant Tuesday evening when another couple came in and immediately made their way to the woman.

The woman who had just entered reached down and hugged the sad woman. I couldn’t hear all of what they said, but I could hear the couple asking how she’s doing and if there’s anything they could do to help. I pieced together that they go to church together and the first woman’s husband has recently died.

The exchange didn’t last long. The widow seemed grateful for the support, but she clearly didn’t want to talk. The other couple left to order their dinner.

“We just want you to know you’re not alone,” the man said to the widow as they left. “We’re here for you.”

With that one line, I was reminded of the power of a close-knit, loving community — and why that is often found in churches and other religious groups.

I was reminded of an article I read earlier this week by Timothy P. Carney, who has a new book called Alienated America: Why Some Places Thrive While Others Collapse.” Carney outlines research which suggests that those who are active parts of religious communities are healthier and happier than those who don’t.

Carney wasn’t making the case for any particular theological point of view. He was simply pointing out that we humans need community — and those who find it in churches are far more likely to have that than anybody else in this country. He says that “the more religious counties do better, and the least religious counties do worse,” not because of what they believe — but because of the community they find with each other.

This matches my experience. The times I have been happiest and most stable in life were the times when I have been most connected with other people through a church group. I haven’t always liked all the people. I haven’t always agreed with every point of theology in what I heard. But I’ve always felt safe and loved among people who knew me and who allowed me to know them.

I wrote something about this not long ago, so this isn’t a new theme for me. As our culture becomes more nasty and fragmented, we have more need than ever for a place to feel like home — for a community where we’re loved and valued.

For a long time, I took the typical Evangelical attitude toward the primary purpose of a local church. I saw the purpose as “spreading the Gospel.” I’ve changed quite a bit on that point over the years, though, mostly because I see the Gospel of Jesus more through his words now and less through the words of the preachers who shaped my theology as a child.

A church is a place where flawed people build community with one another and try to live as Jesus taught them to live. It’s a place where people grow and become better human beings — by learning how to love in ways that the culture finds strange and out of date today.

We need each other.

We need to grow together. We need to love together. We need to help one another. We need to become more like Jesus — and less like the loud politicians who pretend to speak for him.

That doesn’t mean just going to a Sunday morning service every now and then — or even every week. It means becoming involved in the lives and activities of the people of that community. It means spending time together and knowing their children and their burdens and their joys. It requires an investment of time and trust.

The story of the couple I saw tonight consoling a hurting woman was just a tiny thing. Anybody can console anybody else under the right circumstances, but it was clear that these people had already built community together.

They knew each other. They trusted each other.

We don’t find community in our electronic devices or on Facebook or in our political organizations. Not in the same way. We find loving community in churches and synagogues and mosques among those who are like us and who are seeking what we’re seeking.

We need to quit worrying so much about being right about theology — and more about building close-knit communities with people who love one another and are there for one another, whether times are good or bad.

Note: The photo above is one I shot of First Baptist Church of Hoover, Ala., last month at sunset.

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The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tue The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but the iPhone gives you a sense of how colorful the sky was just a moment ago right before the sun slipped beneath the horizon. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The Saturday evening sunset punches through the he The Saturday evening sunset punches through the heavy clouds sitting just over the horizon, just enough to create a spectacular orange show as the world spins toward another night of darkness. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday evening behind the restaurant where I had dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the best things about this time of year is One of the best things about this time of year is that I see far more sunsets since they occur later in the evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the things I really enjoy about spring is h One of the things I really enjoy about spring is having sunsets later in the evening. Here’s the one I just watched while I was at dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved how the fading colors looked behind the evening clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This beautiful flowering tree was gorgeous against This beautiful flowering tree was gorgeous against the stunning blue sky at a house I showed to someone Thursday afternoon. Spring seems to already be in full swing. #nature #naturephotography #sky #flowers #tree #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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