• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Personal growth feeds a romance, but lack of honesty destroys love

By David McElroy · February 28, 2019

I was already in love with Amy, so her sudden outburst surprised me.

We were in Washington, D.C., for a film festival and I was happy to have Amy come with me. We arrived Friday evening just in time for the first screenings of the festival. My film wasn’t showing until Saturday, so our schedule was flexible.

I had printed maps — this was in the days before ubiquitous and reliable GPS on the phone — but when we got to a street near the Pentagon, something about the street had changed. Or maybe the directions were wrong. I followed the directions as written, but they quickly brought us in a loop right back to where we had been.

I thought it was funny. It didn’t seem like a big deal. It just seemed like a minor problem to solve. But she exploded.

“Why would you not have a better map than this?!” she shrieked with anger. “I would have had backup maps! This shouldn’t happen!”

I was stunned. It wasn’t a big deal. All I had to do was look at the map that had led me astray and get my bearings from something surrounding us and then we’d be fine. I actually handed her my iPhone — the very first model, so the data connection was really slow with maps — but she had never used a smartphone and was too agitated to try to help. She just fumed and ranted.

In the middle of figuring out what was going on, a friend called from home to ask how it was going. I couldn’t tell her what was really going on, but she heard the rant.

“Is Amy crazy?” my friend said. “What I’m hearing doesn’t sound normal.”

We made it to the venue on time and made it through the festival. On the drive back on Sunday, though, I told her something had to change. I told her that what we had experienced wasn’t healthy. If I was going to have a relationship with her, we needed to figure out what was going on. To her credit, she admitted she had a problem. She promised to start therapy as soon as she could.

I was relieved. I knew from my own experience that good therapy can change a lot of things and can help us to deal with the dysfunctional parts of ourselves that we can’t change. (I know my own patterns well enough now that I can typically stop myself before I head down a path I will regret.)

Even though you will never know Amy — and she hasn’t been part of my life for years — it’s only fair for me to point out that the outburst I saw was Amy at her worst. She was normally a brilliant and beautiful woman who was completely competent and polished. At her best, she was amazing. I wouldn’t want to leave you with the impression that her outburst was typical. In fact, it was shocking only because it was so unexpected.

For about six or eight months, Amy went through therapy. Especially toward the end — during the time while we were trying to decide what to do about our future — she was constantly writing to me about the progress she was making. I was happy, but what I experienced from her the rest of the time didn’t feel like progress. And that had a great deal to do with us not staying together, because I didn’t see the changes she said were happening. That alarmed me.

Shortly after that, we broke up. I loved Amy, but there was something seriously wrong which wasn’t getting fixed.

A psychologist told me the following year — while I was trying to deal with my remaining feelings and confusion from the relationship — that the patterns I described to her sounded like something called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This is a personality disorder which is in the same cluster of disorders as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

After I spent a lot of time reading about BPD, a lot more things about Amy made sense. Not all of the characteristics of BPD were true for her, but enough fit to make me feel certain that had been the issue. Discovering this didn’t make me grateful to get away from her. Instead, it relieved me to understand what had been going on — and it made me wish I had know this when I had been with her.

Even though Amy and I split up, we ended up talking for awhile a few years later. In one email, she confessed that she had lied about all the progress she claimed to be making with her therapist. She had been certain I would leave her if she didn’t tell me she was making progress, though. She seemed to think that lying to me was her best hope.

She ended up having far more serious problems after we split up. She tried medication. She tried all sorts of things. I don’t know what happened after that, because we haven’t spoken in years. I just know that she lied to me about making progress — because she thought that would make me stay with her.

Most people who have heard my story about Amy think I’m lucky that I didn’t end up with her. Of course, they say, you wouldn’t have wanted to be with a woman who had that kind of disorder.

But I look at things differently. One of life’s certainties is that we are all flawed. Almost all of us are dysfunctional to one degree or another. I certainly am. We might be able to dress up nicely and present a great face to the world, but there is a part of each of us which is broken in some terrible way, whether we admit or not. Whether we even know it or not.

I used to think it was Amy’s dysfunction — which I believe was BPD — which kept us apart, but I don’t see it that way now. It was really her unwillingness to tell me the truth which made it impossible for me to choose her at the time.

If I had known what was really going on — even if I hadn’t had a label for it yet — I think I would have held onto her and helped her find the solution. If she had said, “I don’t understand this and I need your help figuring out what the problem is,” I would have stayed with her — and I think we would have found a way to make her healthy enough for us to be happy together.

But since she faked her emotional growth, she walled that part of herself off from me. She didn’t trust me to help and to love her anyway. Ultimately, it was that disconnection that made me unwilling to believe she was going to become healthy enough for us to be happy together.

The biggest impression the whole thing made on me was to teach me that I have to be honest about everything that’s going on with me, even the things I’m ashamed of and want to change. And I need to encourage a woman to trust me enough to do the same.

We’re taught — sometimes explicitly but almost always implicitly — to hide our faults and flaws, especially from the one we love. If they see those terrible parts of us, they might leave us, so we have to keep hiding.

But we can’t have a healthy relationship like that. The truth is inevitably going to come out. We’re going to show ourselves at our worst — as Amy did and as you have probably done — and we’re going to lose what we want the most.

The only way around this is for imperfect people to be honest with each other — and with themselves — about their fears and flaws. If two people love each other, this shared vulnerability will lead to stronger bonding and to real growth together.

The alternative is to pretend to actually be the mask you wear — and that emotional dishonesty will build walls between you. That kind of a relationship probably won’t last. And if it does, it will be two strangers staying together for the sake of shared children or social connections or something equally dysfunctional and unhealthy.

I’m not scared of a dysfunctional woman, at least if she’s honest with me about what’s going on. If I fall in love with someone who’s flawed and dysfunctional, I’ll just assume it’s pretty normal. It’s not healthy and acceptable for her to just make excuses for herself and refuse to work on the issues, but as long as she’s willing to work on it, I am, too.

I’ll share my strengths and failures with her. I’ll expect her to share her strengths and failures with me. As long as a woman is honest with me and is willing to keep working on both of us, I’m going to hold on and give her all the support she needs.

I suspect that’s the only way for flawed and dysfunctional people to be healthy and happy together.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: borderline personality disorder, love, psychology, romance

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

It was too cloudy last night for me to take a phot It was too cloudy last night for me to take a photo of the lunar eclipse, so I missed the beautiful red image that I saw from others. But the sky overhead tonight is crystal clear — and the moon seemed especially bright — so I snapped a shot anyway. I don’t really have the right lens for this since I have to blow it up massively when I shoot at 240mm. Surprisingly, this image was made at 1/250th of a second at f/6.3 and ISO 250. I’d like to have a longer lens for such a shot, but it’s not worth the money since I’d rarely use it. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tue The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but the iPhone gives you a sense of how colorful the sky was just a moment ago right before the sun slipped beneath the horizon. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The Saturday evening sunset punches through the he The Saturday evening sunset punches through the heavy clouds sitting just over the horizon, just enough to create a spectacular orange show as the world spins toward another night of darkness. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday evening behind the restaurant where I had dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the best things about this time of year is One of the best things about this time of year is that I see far more sunsets since they occur later in the evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the things I really enjoy about spring is h One of the things I really enjoy about spring is having sunsets later in the evening. Here’s the one I just watched while I was at dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved how the fading colors looked behind the evening clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN