Why are so many of us afraid of the love and happiness we want?

By David McElroy · May 27, 2019

When I woke up around 6 a.m. Monday, I felt sick at my stomach. I hadn’t been able to get to sleep until about 4 a.m. and then I had awakened every few minutes after that. By 6, I had been sleeping long enough to feel disoriented but not long enough to feel any sense of rest.

Through the fog of exhaustion, I had a feeling so disturbing that I forced myself to wake up enough to make a few notes before I fell asleep again and forgot.

“I know how to feel terrible and something in me prefers that, because I know how to deal with it,” I typed on the iPhone note. “This is a terrible feeling, but as terrible as I feel, I have a strange sense through the grogginess that this is easier to deal with than being happy — because I know how to deal with what this feels like. I’m not entirely comfortable being happy, because I don’t have enough experience with it.”

I suspect that being exhausted and half asleep allowed me to consciously feel something that lurks unnoticed at other times. And I can’t quit thinking about that.

This isn’t a new conversation for me, but it’s one I keep needing to have with myself. I’ve written about it multiple times, too, but I still keep having to come face to face with the reality that I haven’t conquered this particular fear. I’m still scared of the things which might make me happy, especially whoever might give me love.

I’m scared of being happy, but I think the real fear is of finally trusting love and happiness — only to have it slip from me again like the repeat ending of a lifelong tragedy.

Whenever this comes up, my thoughts turn to singer Sam Phillips speaking of her fear of what she needs in her 1987 song, “Libera Me.” (Her early work was released under the name Leslie Phillips, so that’s the name on the YouTube copy of this song.)

Dreams that I can’t trace
Pull my heart away
From love I long to taste
Why do I run away
When I come face to face with anything I need

I am so afraid
If I keep hoping
That there will come a day
When my heart is open
That you will walk away
Like you were never there

And I don’t know all the truth
From the lying
But I know that I need you
Because I am dying
From being held by hell
In a cell of blinding fear

I know what I want. I know what I need. But I am terrified to hope to have those things — because losing them would be far worse than desperately needing them.

I know how to need love. I know how to crave being understood. I know how to imagine the wife and family and success which I long for. But because the things I wanted were snatched from me when I was a child — and had absolutely no control over my life — I still fear even hoping for what I need.

There is a part of me which is actually trying to avoid love. Maybe I don’t think I deserve to be loved. Maybe I’m afraid of what others will see when they really know who I am. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll disappoint those who want to love us.

There are a million different excuses, but for someone who has learned the fine art of self-sabotage, almost any excuse will do. Until I find a way to believe I can have what I need — and find someone whose love I can trust — I’m going to “run away when I come face to face with anything I need.”

This day was a blur. I had intended to spend the day making a real estate video about how you can know the value of your home. But this feeling I woke up with hasn’t left me alone. It’s like a cloud that I want to ignore, but ignoring it never seems to work.

I know how to be a smiling and compliant person who’s miserable and unhappy inside. That’s easy. I’ve dealt with it all my life. It’s comfortable. And because of that, “I am dying from being held by hell in a cell of blinding fear.”

I don’t like living this way. I know what I want instead. But in my heart, I’m terrified of losing what I don’t yet even have.

I have to learn to stop running away from what I want — once I can trust I’ve found love that won’t run away from me.

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I haven’t posted anything new in my YouTube series about narcissism in the last couple of weeks, so some people have been asking about it. There’s nothing wrong and I’ll be back soon. The issue is simply a technical problem because of a piece of equipment that died. Here’s a brief video I posted on YouTube to explain.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

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