• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

In a vulnerable moment, woman confesses she’s scared to change

By David McElroy · June 14, 2019

I didn’t get a good look at her face, but I saw enough to be pretty sure it was Elizabeth. She was sitting alone in a black Lexus in the parking lot of the fast food restaurant where I had just eaten. I hadn’t seen her for a couple of months, so I walked toward her car and called her name as I approached the partially open window.

As soon as she turned her face toward me, I regretted approaching her. She looked as though she had been crying. Her makeup was a mess. She looked lost and very alone.

“Are you OK?” I asked. I couldn’t think of something more appropriate, so I asked the obvious.

She looked away and I was afraid she just didn’t want to talk. We don’t know each other that well, after all. I had never seen her in a moment of vulnerability of this sort. I had only known her as a charming, intelligent young woman who always had herself perfectly together.

After a long moment, she turned back to look at me. Her face was almost emotionally blank.

“No, I’m not OK,” she finally said. “Everything’s wrong.”

Elizabeth just graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in psychology. She’s moving somewhere — I don’t recall where — for grad school in the fall. She had always struck me as having her life together, being successful and always being in control.

She was still dressed in her office clothes from working Friday. She told me she hadn’t been home and didn’t really want to go. So she was just sitting here — wrapped in the anonymity of a random parking lot — thinking about what to do.

I stood next to the car for a couple of minutes, half bending and half crouching. She finally asked me to come sit in the car with her. She said she needed to talk to somebody and there was nobody she really wanted to talk with about this.

A few weeks ago, Elizabeth found out she’s pregnant. She was already engaged to her boyfriend, so even though the timing wasn’t the best, she was thrilled to be having a baby with him. They would move their wedding up — although no date had been set — and she would go on to grad school. Everything would still work out.

Within days of discovering she was pregnant, the boyfriend — who turned out to be less committed to her future than she believed — was backing away from her. Before the week was out, he had told her that he was going to get back together with an ex-girlfriend, one with whom he already had a son.

Elizabeth said she first took the news pretty stoically and started planning how she would make it with a baby on her own. She still hasn’t told her family or friends. The truth is that she has few friends, she told me. Most of them have pulled away from her over the last couple of years because of her self-destructive behavior. Her parents know nothing of that part of her life. Every time she’s home with them, she’s still the “good little church girl” they believed she had always been.

When I first met Elizabeth more than a year ago, I had been really impressed with her. She was beautiful, intelligent, charming and appeared to live a life I would consider conservative and virtuous.

But as I started mentioning her to other random people I knew who had known her in high school, a different picture emerged. It was one that didn’t match how Elizabeth had presented herself.

They told me she had been “the band slut” when they had been around her at the two high schools where she had gone. They painted a picture of a girl who was active in her church — in all the right social ways that made her parents happy — while she lived a double life that was filled with alcohol and risky sex with whoever wanted her for a moment.

They told me that the guys she spent time with wanted her for sex and then dumped her quickly, because nobody wanted to be stuck with a girl with the reputation of going to bed with everybody. And “decent guys,” I was told, steered clear of her because they didn’t want to be associated with a girl like her.

When I had been told about this past, I had preferred to believe the other image I had seen of Elizabeth. I hoped that the people I was talking with were either mistaken — unlikely — or else it had been a rebellious phase she had outgrown.

Tonight, Elizabeth started confessing all the things which friends had told me, although I never mentioned I had heard most of this. The story was actually worse than others had said. She spoke tonight as though I was a priest and she needed to confess everything.

She told me that she has hated her life for years, because “decent” people didn’t want to be with her and the sort of people who did want to hang out with her were quick to abandon her after the parties were over and they realized just how messed up her life really was.

She had been naively certain that this new guy — they had dated since February — would stick around. He had just gotten out of the Army late last year and returned home. They met at a party. By her standards, he was better than most of the men who were interested in her by this point.

As we sat there, I was silent. I just let her pour out confession. Her narrative was full of self-loathing. She’s miserable. She doesn’t want to live this way. She said several times she’s not sure she even wants to live. She hates herself.

When she finally got everything out, I started talking — just in general terms — about how she can change her life if she really wants to. I mentioned that she would surely be eligible for free counseling when she started back to school in the fall.

But as I was starting down the path of discussing change, she interrupted me. She sounded bitter.

“I’m going to be honest with you,” she said. “If you had asked me about any of this yesterday, I would have told you I’m perfectly happy with my life. Nobody knows how I feel. I lie to everybody and I even lie to myself.

“Right now, I’m hurt enough to be telling you the truth about everything. I’m being real because I can’t hide it from myself. I just had to tell somebody. But if you see me tomorrow or next week, I’ll tell you I was just emotional today and say I don’t want to change. I’ll tell you I’m happy with my life and if anybody doesn’t like the way I live, they can get out of my life. I believe that most of the time.”

But Elizabeth knew better in this moment. She started crying.

“Do you know why I do that?” she asked through tears. “I am so scared I can’t change that I won’t even try. I want somebody to love me and stay with me. I don’t even like the guys I sleep with. They’re mostly creeps, but it lets me feel wanted for a little while. And then I hate them and I hate myself. But I know I can’t change, because I don’t deserve anything better.”

I tried to tell Elizabeth that she deserved to love herself — and that she deserved to be loved by others. I told her that she could decide for herself what she wanted her life to be and that she could change her direction if she wanted to.

But she doesn’t believe that.

“Everybody says I’m a slut,” she said. “I know what they say. I even say it about myself. I tell guys I want to be treated like a slut. A lot of them get off on that. I hate what I’ve become, but it’s the only way I know to get the minutes or hours of approval and affection I want. That’s my only drug to make me feel worth something. Well, that and the real drugs. I haven’t even told you the things I take when I want to escape from life.”

She had become calm again by this point. She was back to the emotional exhaustion I had seen when I first spoke to her tonight.

“I want somebody like you to love me,” she said. “Not really you specifically, but someone who’s decent and honest and all the stuff I’ve run away from. Since good men could never love someone like me, I have to take whatever I can get. Sometimes it can be exciting when it’s some older guy with money and position. That makes me feel important for a little while, even though I know he’ll dump me.”

I could tell she didn’t want me to argue with her. She didn’t want me to tell her the truth — that she can change her life if she decides she wants to. She doesn’t believe any of what I would tell her. What’s worse, she believes she is too worthless to change — and too worthless to be loved.

When we parted, I left her my card and asked her to call or send me an email so we can continue this conversation. She said she’ll call, but I know she won’t.

Elizabeth is too scared of change — and feels too worthless — to allow herself to have more discussion of this sort. She’s too scared of the vulnerability she showed tonight. I suspect she was being completely honest — with both of us — when she said that if we talked about this tomorrow, she would say she doesn’t want to change.

Elizabeth has a wall of denial around her heart. She’s scared. She’s hurt. She has no hope.

Change isn’t easy for any of us. I understand being afraid to attempt difficult change, because I’ve secretly felt the same way. I didn’t admit that to Elizabeth tonight — because it didn’t occur to me until later — but I’ve felt that way about some things in my life which I allow to remain broken. Just like Elizabeth, there are some things I fear changing — because I fear I would fail.

I hope Elizabeth will surprise me. I would love for her to call me and ask for help in figuring out how to get her life on track. I’m not qualified to help with all her problems, but I could certainly point her in the right direction — toward people and resources that could help.

But I don’t think she’ll call me. In fact, I suspect she’ll avoid me entirely. She will prefer to pretend this conversation never happened.

She will probably go right back to her double life. She will probably be in some stranger’s bed by tomorrow — hoping to briefly feel as though she has worth — while she hides what she’s doing from her parents and the few people left who don’t know what she’s become.

Elizabeth needs help and she needs love, but nobody can help her — and nobody can love her — until she’s willing to take a chance on herself.

Until then, Elizabeth is stuck craving love and feeling lonely — and eagerly accepting a counterfeit since she believes she can’t have the real thing.

Note: The name and some identifying details have been modified to protect Elizabeth’s identity. Quotes were reconstructed from memory right after our conversation.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: confession, love, psychology, secrets, sex

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

It was too cloudy last night for me to take a phot It was too cloudy last night for me to take a photo of the lunar eclipse, so I missed the beautiful red image that I saw from others. But the sky overhead tonight is crystal clear — and the moon seemed especially bright — so I snapped a shot anyway. I don’t really have the right lens for this since I have to blow it up massively when I shoot at 240mm. Surprisingly, this image was made at 1/250th of a second at f/6.3 and ISO 250. I’d like to have a longer lens for such a shot, but it’s not worth the money since I’d rarely use it. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tue The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but the iPhone gives you a sense of how colorful the sky was just a moment ago right before the sun slipped beneath the horizon. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The Saturday evening sunset punches through the he The Saturday evening sunset punches through the heavy clouds sitting just over the horizon, just enough to create a spectacular orange show as the world spins toward another night of darkness. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday evening behind the restaurant where I had dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the best things about this time of year is One of the best things about this time of year is that I see far more sunsets since they occur later in the evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the things I really enjoy about spring is h One of the things I really enjoy about spring is having sunsets later in the evening. Here’s the one I just watched while I was at dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved how the fading colors looked behind the evening clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN