• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Who are you trying to impress? Answer may explain who you are

By David McElroy · June 27, 2019

This seems to be reunion season. College and high school classes all over the place are getting together to reminisce about old times and to nervously eye each other — with many thinking, “I don’t look that bad yet, do I?”

I know at least half a dozen people who’ve been to reunions in the last month. For some, it’s just fun, but for others it’s a time of sober reflection. When I talked with one friend today, he told me his reaction to seeing his classmates from not that long ago.

“Being there has me thinking about some things,” he said. “I looked around that night and realized these were the people who I grew up wanting to impress — and when I look at them now, I can’t figure out why I ever cared what they thought of me.”

When you were a small child, you wanted to impress your parents, maybe your siblings, maybe extended family and family friends. As you got older, the circle of people you wanted to impress changed. You wanted to impress your peers. Then you wanted to impress romantic interests. Your audience kept changing.

But at every point in your life, your choice about who to impress has said very loudly who you are.

When I was growing up, I wanted to impress my father — and others in my family to a lesser degree. By the time I was in high school, I wanted to impress those in my school and in my church — my teen-aged peers and the adult leaders.

I needed their approval. I can’t tell you why. I just know that humans are social creatures who need the approval of those around us.

I wanted those people to believe I was smart and capable. I wanted them to believe I was a leader who was going to do great things. I wanted them to believe I was a good and moral person.

By virtue of caring what these people thought of me, I unconsciously adopted many of their standards. In order to please the people who you want to impress, you have to understand what they believe is good and acceptable. Either consciously or unconsciously, you begin to mirror their values.

I mirrored the values of my very conservative community. It was never a choice. It was simply a given that the values of my family and church and school and community would be my values. Whether intentionally or otherwise, you almost certainly did the same. Sometimes this works well. Other times, it doesn’t.

Shared values are good for community cohesiveness, but what happens when the community values are wrong or when those values lead an individual to do things which aren’t in his or her best interests?

What happens when the community values say that racism is perfectly moral and natural? What happens when the community values teach everyone that one particular religious group is evil or should be persecuted? What happens when the community values tell individuals to repress themselves — not to be who they really are — in the name of being what the community wants?

I wouldn’t have understood these questions when I was a teen. I doubt you would have, either. We just accepted the community values we received — rebelling a bit around the edges, for sure — but we essentially fell in line with whatever group we decided we wanted to like us.

Fortunately for me, I moved away from those people and I questioned my values. Even back then, I was enough of an outsider and an iconoclast to question things more than the group typically preferred. And by the time I had been away for 10 years or so, I started radically going off on my own — discarding many of the values of my youth community and replacing them with values I chose for myself.

Not everybody learns to think for himself in such ways. Some people are unfortunate enough to have stayed pretty much exactly what they were when they were growing up. And they almost never change.

For those of us who reject where we started, it’s easy to think that we’re just independent people who aren’t influenced by others anymore. But even that is mistaken.

Although my core values are pretty solidly in place, I still reflect some of the values of those very few people who I want to impress. But now, that’s a much different group — sometimes just one person, in fact — and I’ve come to the conclusion that’s OK.

When you love other people, those are the people who go a long way toward determining who you are. If you choose wisely, those people help you to walk a path that you will be proud of. If you choose people who aren’t worth partnering with, their values will corrupt you and lead you down a painful path.

The person who will affect your values and life choices more than anyone else is the partner you choose to love. Whether you intend it or not, that person will ultimately shape you and your values. He or she will shape your children and their values, too, no matter how much you fight it.

Remember this: When you dance with the devil, the devil changes you.

When you were a child, you didn’t have any choice but to want to impress your parents and win their approval. When you were a teen, it would have been almost impossible to have no concern about wanting to win the approval and praise of your peers and community.

But if you’re a mature adult, you are now responsible for your choices.

Ask yourself who your actions are trying to impress. Ask yourself whose approval you really want. If you’ll ask those questions — and be brutally honest with yourself — you’ll learn a lot about your values and about who you really are.

If you don’t like those answers, you can make changes. No matter where you are in life, it’s not too late to decide whose approval you want. But decide carefully. That choice is going to shape your destiny — and your children’s destiny — whether you like it or not.

Choose wisely whose approval and love to seek.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • Society needs storytellers to help make sense of a changing world

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: child development, community, family, psychology, values

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I’ll let you know if any of the toy companies agree to pick this up as a featured toy for the upcoming Christmas season. Thanks, ChatGPT. 😺
Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped on the way home — about a mile from my house — for some dramatic lightning photos. #nature #naturephotography #sky #lightning #night #thunderstorms #birmingham #alabama
This was the Friday evening sunset near my house a This was the Friday evening sunset near my house about half an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and it’s just starting to rain lightly. The misting rain and low-lying fog that diffused the light from nearby street lamps give the night a magical feeling.
It seems as though the trees turned bare of their It seems as though the trees turned bare of their leaves almost overnight when I wasn’t paying attention. This is part of the neighborhood route that Lucy and I walk every night. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #iphone #birmingham #alabama
I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonigh I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonight as Lucy patrols the neighborhood for her final rounds of the day. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #clouds #iphone #birmingham #alabama
I’m recording video for a YouTube project late F I’m recording video for a YouTube project late Friday night and I just started thinking about how much different things in the studio look to me as compared to what video viewers see. The reality is that my home studio is just a room at my house that’s stuffed with lights and equipment (first shot), but when you look at what’s on the screen (second shot) you might assume I’m in a real studio somewhere. The only problem is that there are train tracks close to my house, so I have to shut down production whenever Norfolk Southern decides to send a freight train through my neighborhood. It’s amazing what is possible today that would have been impossible not that long ago.
The sky was beautiful above me as I walked out of The sky was beautiful above me as I walked out of Walmart just a few minutes ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
It’s only 9:30 p.m. and I’m finally almost hom It’s only 9:30 p.m. and I’m finally almost home, but it feels more like midnight. I showed houses tonight and then had to deal with some tenant problems in a couple of rental houses. I think it feels so late simply because it’s starting to get dark earlier and I’m not accustomed to it yet. On a night such as this one — when I feel really tired — I feel as though my clothes and face are a work uniform. And I’m ready to take the uniform off and go off-duty for the night.
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

Oliver relaxes on my desk late Sunday afternoon wh Oliver relaxes on my desk late Sunday afternoon while I write at my desk. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Late Sunday afternoon, Sam is watching a neighbor Late Sunday afternoon, Sam is watching a neighbor cut his grass, which is apparently quite suspicious in his eyes. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy’s nightly appearance on her Neighborhood Wa Lucy’s nightly appearance on her Neighborhood Watch patrols have been enough to keep the area safe from criminals and other ne’er-do-wells for the 10 years we’ve lived here, so the bad folks are clearly terrified of her. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
After a couple of days of rain — including serio After a couple of days of rain — including serious thunderstorms this morning — Oliver is enjoying some sunshine in an office window Saturday evening. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex might be halfway to sleep for the night, but Alex might be halfway to sleep for the night, but he still likes attention enough to purr about it. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
I just came home to change clothes and found Olive I just came home to change clothes and found Oliver camped out on my desk watching the neighborhood. He was too focused on whatever he’s been watching to pay much attention to me this evening. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
As he hangs off the corner of my desk to survey th As he hangs off the corner of my desk to survey the office, it’s pretty clear just how productive a day Alex is having. His work is exhausting and he needs a weekend to recover. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex hid underneath a t-shirt on the bed for a few Alex hid underneath a t-shirt on the bed for a few minutes — and Oliver wasn’t quite sure what to think about the situation until his tabby brother emerged. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
A few minutes ago, I couldn’t find Sam anywhere. A few minutes ago, I couldn’t find Sam anywhere. Alex and Oliver were both in the bedroom, but they didn’t act as though anything was abnormal. I was starting to panic after looking for about 10 minutes when I finally saw two little eyes looking up at me from a pile of black clothes. The pile was roughly at waist level for me, so that meant when I glanced at the pile, I saw nothing but a big pile of black stuff. It wasn’t until I saw his eyes that I realized that Sam was part of that black “stuff.” #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Search

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this link. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and Lucy will thank you. And so will I.

© 2011–2025 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN