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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Depression can be mind’s way of saying, ‘Hey, we’re way off track’

By David McElroy · July 27, 2019

For the briefest of moments, I felt something completely irrational.

I wanted the car which was driving erratically in the lane next to me to hit my car. Nothing serious. Just a slow-speed bump. Just enough to be interesting. Something different.

That was Saturday afternoon. I was only about a mile from my house. I pulled into a parking lot to think about the crazy thought that had just gone through my mind. Even though I clearly didn’t actually want to be in an accident, something in my brain had briefly thought it would be interesting — and I was seriously disturbed by that.

At first, I thought I was just bored, not in the momentary sense, but in the long-term sense of everything about my life. And then I realized it was more than just boredom.

This was depression.

As much as I’ve been trying to shove it aside, my mind is screaming at me — begging me — to change what’s going on in my life, because I am throwing away every day that goes by like this.

When we talk about depression, we normally think about the clinical kind that’s presumably caused by some chemical imbalance in the brain. Although it’s clear that some people are definitely afflicted by that sort of depression, this was a different kind.

This kind is called “situational depression.”

Years ago, I heard an interview with a Canadian professor of evolutionary psychology which helped change the way I look at a lot of the depression we face. Paul Andrews is a researcher at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario.

“It’s pretty clear that our body has evolved mechanisms within it to cause impairment [that we call depression] as a normal adaptive response to certain kinds of problems,” Andrews said. “What depressed mood seems to do is it helps you shut down other processes that could draw attention away from the problem that triggered your episode in the first place. So that’s why depressed people often show a decrease in interest in normally pleasurable activities like sex and eating and social companionship. It’s because their brain is telling them, ‘Look, you’ve got a really serious problem in your life right now and you need to focus on it, and to help you with that, I’m going to make it easier for you by shutting down your interests in other activities.'”

We prefer to talk about depression as something which just happens to us outside of our control — as can be true in a certain percentage of cases — because it allows people like me to tell ourselves that we’re victims of depression and that we can’t do anything other than maybe take a pill.

There’s no question that some psychiatric drugs help to mask depression, but it’s also true that for many of us, the things which cause us to feel this way are things which we’ve allowed to happen to ourselves — or by things which we haven’t yet figured out how to change.

I might have a propensity to be melancholy. My mother suffered from what was called manic-depression — and we now call bi-polar disorder — for most of my life. I’m completely convinced that she would have lived a normal and happy life if she hadn’t married my father and then become stuck with him by having children with him.

I think that many people who are bright and creative can have a tendency toward melancholy which can be activated by life circumstances. But for me, the feelings of depression are activated by being in situations which make me feel miserable. It’s not caused by brain chemistry which I can’t control.

Is it a coincidence that I’ve never felt depressed during times in my life when I felt deeply loved by a woman who I loved in return? Is it a coincidence that I’ve never felt depressed during times when I was pursuing work which I loved and cared about?

I am miserable — and a reasonable person would call it depression — because I’m not doing work which matters to me and because I don’t have a loving relationship which I need.

There are other issues in my life. I’m still digging my way out of the financial hole I dug for myself starting 10 or 12 years ago, for instance, but issues like that don’t depress me. Those sorts of pragmatic things are simply problems to be solved — very fixable issues with solutions which just take time.

I’m feeling depressed and feeling bored with my life — even thinking crazy thoughts every now and then — because I need love and I need meaning.

I don’t need a pill. I don’t need counseling about this. I just need to take my needs seriously and remember who I am.

I’ve lost track of my identity. I lost part of it when I put my heart on hold years ago because I was waiting for someone who said she loved me to do something about that love. That never happened and I’ve been frozen in time, unable to move forward.

I also lost part of myself when I got confused about which work could fulfill my needs. I accepted a pragmatic solution which forced me to lose touch with the part of myself that has to create.

I’m paying a price for having lost my identity — and I have to change that.

I feel as though I’m walking alone through dark and lonely woods. I don’t pretend that I know how to get out to the other side, but I do know what I’m looking for.

The only thing that’s going to change this for me is love from someone else and meaning that comes from work which matters to me.

For me, those things are as essential as food and water. Until I figure out how to have them again, my mind is going to keep shutting things down inside, trying to force me to fix the things I know must change.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: creativity, depression, love, meaning, psychology, work

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This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evenin This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evening near my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me was solidly gray and black, but one tiny break in the clouds appeared just for a few minutes to show a little bit of sunset’s colorful light. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered that I caught the sun just befor I just remembered that I caught the sun just before it slipped beneath the horizon Tuesday evening. This is near my house just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was another experiment with a moon photo — This was another experiment with a moon photo — with my iPhone — but I allowed the moon to be overexposed in order to get the clouds in the foreground to show up. I’d really like to figure out how pros do shots of this sort. I don’t have it even close to right. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #moon #iphone14
This is the sunset I just watched right after dinn This is the sunset I just watched right after dinner. It was one of the most vibrantly colorful displays I’ve seen in weeks. It was really beautiful. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I don’t have the right lens to photograph the mo I don’t have the right lens to photograph the moon properly, but there are some nights when I try anyway. The longest lens I have goes to 240mm, which means I have to enlarge a tiny part of the frame way too much. But even if I had the right lens, I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to expose the moon decently while still showing some stars around it. Tonight’s attempt has given me a grainy moon and pinpricks of stars that become invisible when viewed at normal size. (Blow this up with your fingers in the app and you can see the tiny stars.) I really want to learn how to do this better, so if anyone has tips for me, I’d be happy to hear them. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
It’s been really hot in Birmingham today, so I’ve been thinking about how much I’m looking forward to fall. My iPhone must’ve been reading my mind, because it just showed this photo from November 2016 to me as a featured photo from my library. I remember this day well. It was in Trussville, which is just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #colorful #autumn #autumnleaves #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered this sunset photo that I took th I just remembered this sunset photo that I took this evening when I had stopped to get gasoline on I-20 just east of Birmingham. I was pumping gas when I suddenly realized the sky had erupted with bright pastel colors. I didn’t have time to get my “real” camera, so I just quickly shot two frames with my iPhone at the edge of the parking lot. It keeps surprising me just how good cameras on our smartphones have become. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham, but there was a little bit of light that was finally able to poke through the darkness right at sunset along U.S. 411 just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about half a mile from home late Friday night. No matter how many times we do this, the sounds of the night always fascinate her. Watch the way her ears are constantly adjusting to pick up on something else. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for t Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for the last hour or so. A friend sent him several of these last December and he just discovered one of them tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided he has to be the alpha cat around the house, so he has his fiercest face on display. I don’t think anybody is going to want to mess with this powerful predator. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Thursday night. I don’t know what he might or might not feel about Thomas’s death, but his behavior seems to be returning to what is normal for him. He still wants to be very close to me, but that has always been a key feature of his personality. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appro For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appropriate to go back to 2011 for the first photo I was ever able to get with Thomas. He was still living outside my house and I was feeding him on the porch. It took me quite awhile to get him to let me hold him long enough for this brief photo, but he clawed his way out of my arms very quickly. This was the very first photo that I used when I was still trying to find a home for him in October 2011 — before I took him inside to stay soon afterward. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I just got home for the evening and laid down on t I just got home for the evening and laid down on the bed, not realizing how quickly Alex would be lying on my chest purring. I think he’s happy that I’m home. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best friend today, but he’s a lot closer to acting like his normal self than he was last night. I wish we could know how a cat or dog goes about processing the loss of a companion. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow will seem more routine for him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally ate a little bit of food. I know that he’ll be back to his normal self pretty quickly, but it really does seem as though Thomas’s death this afternoon has left him perplexed. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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