• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

I lost my way that night — and it seems I never found my way back

By David McElroy · August 24, 2019

It was around 4 in the morning. My head was spinning and I was confused. I didn’t recognize anything around me as I drove these dark residential streets. I was trying to get home, but I was lost.

It’s been 11 years, but the emotions and the confusion are still crystal clear. It had been easy to get to the place where I had met this woman to talk, but when I finally left — eight or nine hours later — I mistakenly started down the wrong road and became dreadfully lost.

I have no idea why that confusing night is on my mind right now. An hour or so ago, I noticed a horrible ball of emotions in the pit of my stomach. Before I knew it, I was seeing fragmentary images from that night — and I was feeling those terrible emotions.

Fear. Guilt. Shame. Loneliness. Confusion.

Getting lost that night as I left is deeply symbolic of what I did to myself that weekend. I came on a straight and clear road to meet someone that night, but I made a wrong turn and got lost. In some ways, I’ve been lost ever since.

I was meeting a woman that night to break the news that I was going to marry someone else. I had dated her in the past, but I had broken things off with her to date the other woman. She had promised to wait for me to come back to her. Even though I knew she was wrong for me, it felt good to be wanted by both of them.

I was happy with the other woman. She was brilliant, funny, curious, competent and attractive. She made me feel alive in ways that the woman I met that night never could. When we agreed to marry, I felt happy, even though I still had some doubts.

All I had to do was break the news to the woman who had been waiting and hoping.

I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they want from me, and that’s the way I felt that night. She begged and pleaded and cried. She asked me to give her another chance. She couldn’t give up — and I couldn’t just firmly tell her the decision was made and leave her behind.

I didn’t love her. I wasn’t going to love her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do what I needed to do and let her just get over it in time.

I made the worst possible decision. I backed out of marrying the other woman. I hurt her badly. She waited for me for awhile and then gave up. The woman who had begged for another chance eventually realized she would never really have my heart — and she gave up.

Because I tried to sit on the fence and avoid the decision, I lost the woman who could have been a perfect match — and I also lost the other choice, too.

These emotions I’m feeling tonight aren’t about either of these women. Each one married someone else in time. I assume each one of them is happy. I haven’t spoken to either of them in a long time.

But I can’t get over the wrenching realization that I blew up my future by my unwillingness to do what I knew I needed to do.

I eventually got home that night, but it was a confusing trip through neighborhoods which felt utterly unfamiliar. I felt lost and alone and confused.

I feel as though I’ve been on that lost and confused journey for 11 years now. It’s as though I made a wrong turn that night and I’ve never made it home. I feel as though I’m a lonely soul traveling alone through unfamiliar territory and there’s nobody around.

There was one year — about six months of that year — when I thought I had found my way out of the confusing fog. Maybe it was just the mirage of a lost traveler who sees what he needs to see. For that short time, I felt as though everything made sense. I was back on a straight and clear road.

But then I was in darkness again.

We build our own prisons. I didn’t know it then, but by refusing to accept the love I was offered — by someone I loved at the time — I started building my own prison. I hurt her and then I ultimately hurt myself. And I’ve been in this lonely and solitary prison ever since.

My emotions tonight aren’t about either of those women. They’re about a variety of things.

Regret. Loneliness. Hurt. Need. And fear.

I fear I’m stuck on this lonely road. I fear I’ll never find my way. And I fear I’ll never have the love I need. I fear I will spend the remaining decades of my life wondering why I got myself lost that weekend.

We all pay a terrible price for some decisions we make. For 11 years, I’ve paid a terrible price for what I did (and didn’t do) that weekend.

I’m still lost in that confusion — and I see no end in sight to the nightmare I started with that wrong turn.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: choices, decisions, emotions, love, marriage, memories

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I just looked up as I was walking to my car and noticed how beautiful the world around me is. I get so accustomed to seeing this sort of mundane beauty that I barely notice it at times. This was just a reminder for me that things can be stunningly beautiful when we pay attention. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #birmingham #alabama
Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly not Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly nothing close to a kitten — as he sits next to a bright light on my desk Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
This was what I saw when I looked to the west in L This was what I saw when I looked to the west in Leeds just after sunset Friday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #natu The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #night #clouds #birmingham #alabama #iphone14
My new kitten doesn’t have a name yet, but he’ My new kitten doesn’t have a name yet, but he’s ready for his first photography lesson. He likes the Sony A7 IV, it seems. And if you like kittens, you’ll find a ridiculous number of photos and videos of this little fellow at @themcelroyzoo. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #sonya7iv
Just after midnight, most of the storms have passe Just after midnight, most of the storms have passed through and it’s died down enough for Lucy to take a quick bathroom break in the back yard. But the gentle rain and occasional soft lightning make the sky overhead beautiful while we’re out here. #nature #sky #night #lightning #rain #birmingham #alabama
Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attent Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attention from me as I start turning lights off for the night in the office. (Just as a reminder, most of my cat and dog photos are at @themcelroyzoo instead of here.) #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
By the time I get home this time of year, things l By the time I get home this time of year, things look a bit different in the back yard when I go out with Lucy, as compared to the warmth and daylight at this time of evening a few months ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon has this huge ring around it, but I don’t recall what it is. This phenomenon has fascinated me for years and it looks beautiful out here tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #night #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happ The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happy weekend. Lucy seems to find joy in everything — and she brings joy to everyone she touches. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be w It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be willing to eat early today if that would make my evening schedule less hectic. He’s just super accommodating that way. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch most of the folks in the neighborhood cutting grass this afternoon. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle and he seems to be annoyed that I’ve come back to the office after midnight to grab a few things. I’d better get out of here before he throws me out. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portra Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portrait late Thursday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday nigh Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday night in the office. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on t Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on the corner of my desk next to a lamp. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday night, but I’m not entirely sure he understands all the rules. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2023 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN