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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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The child in me never learned to feel at home as part of a group

By David McElroy · April 30, 2020

I will always feel like an alien trying to fit among humans, because I don’t know how to blend in. Not really.

I can move among groups. I can talk as though I belong. I can say the right things. I can even lead them to believe I’m one of them.

Inside, though, I will always feel like an alien among others. I will always feel as though I don’t quite fit. And I’ll always hate it that I care what they might think of me.

Earlier this week, I found a group of my school photos from my younger years. It turns out that I have almost every year’s photo from first through sixth grade. In the younger photos, I looked like a happy little boy. By the time I got to the sixth grade — the one you see here — I look older than my years and I look unhappy.

Maybe I simply know too much about what was really behind those young eyes, but I see unhappiness and alienation. I see someone who felt alone in the world.

When I found these photos earlier in the week, I posted one of them — a happier picture — to Facebook, where one of my friends remarked, “You look like a brilliant student who was teacher’s pet.”

That friend knows nothing of my childhood, so I tried to explain that I had moved around all the time as a child, always being the new kid in class — and taking on the persona of “the smartest kid in class” everywhere I went during those early years.

I explained that the other smart kids usually seemed boring to me, but they were the only ones bright enough for me to enjoy spending time with. So I ended up feeling as though I was resented by the normal kids but also feeling that I wasn’t one of the nerds. And then we would move again and the pattern would play out again.

Teachers always loved me back then, because I had been trained — by my narcissistic father — to be incredibly compliant. Since I was bright enough to quickly grasp whatever they told me and I was eager to please them, I tended to get a special place in a classroom.

After explaining all this to my Facebook friend, I found myself thinking — feeling, really — what it was like to be in situations from childhood. It made me feel sad and it put me into the frame of mind I had had back then — openly happy and compliant and stable and apparently “perfect,” but inwardly lonely and hurting and afraid.

As I’ve experienced those feelings again this week — both the good and the bad — I unexpectedly found myself looking at images from my later life as well. I saw with clarity that there’s a direct connection between those younger experiences and a feeling of alienation which remains real today.

I saw myself in leadership roles during my high school years. I saw myself as the leader of my youth group at church. I saw myself in leadership roles at school. And even though those people saw me as one of them — as far as I know — I never really felt like one of them.

I got the positions of leadership that I got because I was good at things that needed to be done, not because I was popular. People followed me because I knew what to do — I knew how to get things done — but not because I was one of them.

When I had political positions later — earlier volunteer positions and then a lot of paid ones after — I moved among people who I knew well at times and among people who were wealthy and powerful at other times. I was required to be social with a lot of people. I played the part. I looked the part. I said all the right things. I laughed at their jokes.

But I never felt that I belonged. I was an alien among them.

I was among them because I was good at what I did, but I didn’t want to spend social time with them. They weren’t like me. I wasn’t like them. I didn’t quite fit over here. I didn’t quite fit over there. I was just the one they turned to when we needed to get things done.

It felt uncomfortable to experience those feelings again, but it was somehow useful. I was seeing — once again — that the man I am today is really just an older version of that lonely and scared — but bright and confident — little boy from so many years ago.

The only times I have ever felt that I fit anywhere have been those times when I felt loved. And I realize now that having someone to love me — a partner in the world — allowed me to feel a little less alien. It allowed me to feel as though I had someone — at the very least — who spoke the language of the Earthlings and could make me acceptable just by being with her.

I feel as though I have an odd sort of disability and nothing about it will ever change. I’ll always be someone who works best alone or in a small group. I’ll always be someone who’s most comfortable with family or close friends. I’ll always be someone who prefers to stay away from the people with whom I don’t quite fit.

I heard someone introducing a new friend to a couple of other existing friends earlier today and he referred to his group of longer-term friends as “my people.” He meant it in a friendly sort of way that had the connotation of all of them belonging to a group — like what it must feel like to be part of a close-knit tribe or band of extended friends.

I don’t really have “my people.”

When I’m finally married, I’m sure my wife and I will have friends together. I hope I’ll like her friends and I hope she will like the few I care anything about. I hope we will have a few friends together.

But I suspect that I will always feel most comfortable being myself with one person — someone I can trust and love and enjoy. I will be willing to spend time in whatever groups I’m required with her. I’ll say the right things and do the right things. I’ll make her proud of me. I’ll go out of my way to please her in those respects and make sure I reflect well on her.

My expectation, though, is that I’ll always be eager to get away from those groups — and eager to get back to the safety of a family to find sanctuary with.

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As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices se As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices set off anywhere near Birmingham this evening, but this cloud formation looked very much like a mushroom cloud rising in the west as I went through downtown Birmingham on I-65 around 6:30 tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
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I just realized that I had some other photos from I just realized that I had some other photos from Wednesday night’s sunset which I could have posted. I ended up posting an iPhone panorama, but this is what a section of that looked like with the Sony A7 IV instead. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the h Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the horizon, the late-evening light was colorful and magical Thursday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this with my “real” camera, so this is just an iPhone panorama. It was beautiful to see in person. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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