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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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I can’t tell truth about my father unless I dig for truth about myself

By David McElroy · June 5, 2020

I was trying to tell a friend about my film idea when I stumbled upon the right title. I casually said something about attempting to tell “the truth about my father” when it struck both of us that I had just spoken the right title.

“The Truth About My Father”

That would be the name of the non-fiction book I would write and then it would be the name of a very fictionalized comedy version that I would make afterward. Why did such a strange tale need to be told as a comedy? I didn’t know then and I still don’t know, but I know it’s a dark comedy.

That was years ago. Ever since then, I’ve struggled to figure out how to make the story work as a film script. Redrawing my father as an exaggerated form of his eccentric self was easy, but the story centered around a son learning the hidden truth about his father. And I figured something out this week.

The story is boring — and it doesn’t work — unless I dig into my own flaws and trace where the worst part of me came from. To tell the truth about my father, I have to dig into — and expose — the worst parts of myself.

And that’s scary.

Have you seen Wes Anderson’s 2001 film, “The Royal Tenenbaums”? I don’t have Anderson’s talent or experience — and my style would be different than his — but that movie is an example of a horrible family drama being told as a dark comedy. And it works.

As I pulled out of the theater parking lot after watching that movie 19 years ago, I called one of my sisters and said, “You have to see this. The facts aren’t even vaguely the same as ours, but the group dynamics are just as messed up as we are.”

As I’ve tried to write a script centered around a son discovering the awful truth about his father — “Hey, my father is an embezzler who stole millions of dollars!” — I realized that the protagonist was almost a passive victim. Some bad things had happened to this character — based on bad things that happened to me — but he didn’t have any interesting flaws. He certainly didn’t seem like a man who had been raised by a narcissist. He wasn’t messed up enough.

And that’s when I realized that the story has to be just as much about the son’s story arc as it is about the father. In fact, since the father pretty much can’t change, the son is the only one for whom there can be any redemption. The comedy comes from the dysfunctional actions of the narcissistic father and the drama comes from the son discovering his own flaws — and what he’s done to others — as he understands what his father has done to him.

I’ve told you before that it was very painful for me about 10 or 12 years ago when I started learning about narcissism. Not only did I finally understand what my father had done — and my childhood suddenly made sense — but I started seeing my own dark side.

I wasn’t a terrible person. I don’t have deep secrets that you don’t yet know about. But I can see some arrogance and selfishness in what I was then — in a couple of romantic relationships in particular — that I was completely unaware of at the time.

It wasn’t until I understood my father’s selfishness and arrogance that I started seeing the same traits in myself. The difference between us is that I learned about this early enough in life — and I was willing to make changes — and my father never did learn these lessons. He didn’t want to. He wouldn’t even discuss the issues.

I understand now that this son character has to have my flaws when the story starts. I have to write about him being arrogant and selfish in ways that I acted years ago. I have to show it causing trouble for him. And as the story progresses — and he learns about himself by learning who his father really is — I’ll give him the chance to grow.

As he grows, I’m going to give him a chance to repair relationships — including a primary romantic relationship — and give him a chance to find redemption for his life.

This story is the story of my father — about how dysfunctional he was and how his crazy actions hurt a lot of people — but it’s also my story.

It’s a story about having to change. About having to dig deep and look at ugly parts of myself. It’s a story about having to experience shame at what I’d been. It’s a story about wanting to be worthy of being loved — and of wanting to be able to love someone in honest and whole-hearted ways.

It’s still my father’s story, but I understand now that it’s also the story of my own redemption. And that makes it even more important for me to tell.

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This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evenin This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evening near my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me was solidly gray and black, but one tiny break in the clouds appeared just for a few minutes to show a little bit of sunset’s colorful light. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered that I caught the sun just befor I just remembered that I caught the sun just before it slipped beneath the horizon Tuesday evening. This is near my house just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was another experiment with a moon photo — This was another experiment with a moon photo — with my iPhone — but I allowed the moon to be overexposed in order to get the clouds in the foreground to show up. I’d really like to figure out how pros do shots of this sort. I don’t have it even close to right. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #moon #iphone14
This is the sunset I just watched right after dinn This is the sunset I just watched right after dinner. It was one of the most vibrantly colorful displays I’ve seen in weeks. It was really beautiful. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I don’t have the right lens to photograph the mo I don’t have the right lens to photograph the moon properly, but there are some nights when I try anyway. The longest lens I have goes to 240mm, which means I have to enlarge a tiny part of the frame way too much. But even if I had the right lens, I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to expose the moon decently while still showing some stars around it. Tonight’s attempt has given me a grainy moon and pinpricks of stars that become invisible when viewed at normal size. (Blow this up with your fingers in the app and you can see the tiny stars.) I really want to learn how to do this better, so if anyone has tips for me, I’d be happy to hear them. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
It’s been really hot in Birmingham today, so I’ve been thinking about how much I’m looking forward to fall. My iPhone must’ve been reading my mind, because it just showed this photo from November 2016 to me as a featured photo from my library. I remember this day well. It was in Trussville, which is just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #colorful #autumn #autumnleaves #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered this sunset photo that I took th I just remembered this sunset photo that I took this evening when I had stopped to get gasoline on I-20 just east of Birmingham. I was pumping gas when I suddenly realized the sky had erupted with bright pastel colors. I didn’t have time to get my “real” camera, so I just quickly shot two frames with my iPhone at the edge of the parking lot. It keeps surprising me just how good cameras on our smartphones have become. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham, but there was a little bit of light that was finally able to poke through the darkness right at sunset along U.S. 411 just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about half a mile from home late Friday night. No matter how many times we do this, the sounds of the night always fascinate her. Watch the way her ears are constantly adjusting to pick up on something else. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for t Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for the last hour or so. A friend sent him several of these last December and he just discovered one of them tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided he has to be the alpha cat around the house, so he has his fiercest face on display. I don’t think anybody is going to want to mess with this powerful predator. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Thursday night. I don’t know what he might or might not feel about Thomas’s death, but his behavior seems to be returning to what is normal for him. He still wants to be very close to me, but that has always been a key feature of his personality. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appro For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appropriate to go back to 2011 for the first photo I was ever able to get with Thomas. He was still living outside my house and I was feeding him on the porch. It took me quite awhile to get him to let me hold him long enough for this brief photo, but he clawed his way out of my arms very quickly. This was the very first photo that I used when I was still trying to find a home for him in October 2011 — before I took him inside to stay soon afterward. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I just got home for the evening and laid down on t I just got home for the evening and laid down on the bed, not realizing how quickly Alex would be lying on my chest purring. I think he’s happy that I’m home. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best friend today, but he’s a lot closer to acting like his normal self than he was last night. I wish we could know how a cat or dog goes about processing the loss of a companion. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow will seem more routine for him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally ate a little bit of food. I know that he’ll be back to his normal self pretty quickly, but it really does seem as though Thomas’s death this afternoon has left him perplexed. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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