I often need this warning label: ‘Does not play well with others’

By David McElroy · June 23, 2020

Some children are magnetic to other kids. They fit well in groups, because they’re so much like the others. Everybody loves them.

I was not that child.

My friends tended to be the brainy nerds and unique outcasts of the neighborhood. If everybody was playing and being social, my interests just weren’t like most people’s. I didn’t understand them, because they seemed so stupid and immature to me, which probably would have seemed strange coming from this tiny boy.

The other kids wanted me around when things needed to get done. When something needed to be built and nobody had a plan, I took charge. When students at school divided into teams for academic competition, kids wanted me to lead their team. If other kids were confused about what to do, they often turned to me.

But that didn’t mean they liked me.

I pretended I didn’t care whether people liked me, but I cared so much that I cried about it sometimes when no one was around. I didn’t know how to be like them. I didn’t want to change to be like them anyway. But I still wished they would like me for what I was.

All these years later, I still feel the same way.

When I don’t know how to do something, I’ll cheerfully confess that I don’t have an opinion. I often tell people that I don’t know enough about a subject to give advice about it. When I’m unsure about something, I say so. I often qualify an opinion or a recommendation to point out my blind spots.

But when I know what I’m doing, I’m completely confident and I’m going to say so. I’m not going to pretend that your ignorance is just as good as my expertise. I’m not going to be nasty to you. I’m not going to raise my voice. But I’m going to let you know that this is how something ought to be done.

Most people don’t like that. It annoys others when you don’t treat their opinions — about subjects they’re not qualified to have opinions about — as gold. They don’t like the explanations you can give them about why their opinions are wrong. And I have no patience in trying to carefully teach something to someone which it took me many years to learn.

I was reminded of all that today in a work situation. There was a small matter which caused a disagreement between me and someone I work with every now and then. It wasn’t a big deal. It won’t change my life or his. But it reminded me again of what I felt like as a child when I saw some kids who naturally fit in with others — in ways that I never would.

About 12 years ago, I had a girlfriend who was brilliant and competent. She was also diplomatic and had good leaderships skills. But she didn’t suffer fools gladly. When she was dealing with someone who didn’t understand what she wanted done — or who was standing in the way of something she was trying to accomplish — I would see that there was a storm brewing inside of her that she was holding in.

On the outside, she was calm and nice and pleasant, but just on the inside, there was a tiger who was ready to slice someone’s head off if necessary.

I thought about her today after I had the little confrontation at work. I imagine that someone who knows me well would probably have seen something similar in me. But as much as I try, I don’t think I do as good a job hiding the way I really feel and what I really think. Even though I try to be nice and diplomatic, I know that the subtext of my attitude comes across as, “Why are you such an idiot?!”

As much as I want to, I still don’t play well with others. I’m not nasty. I’m not mean. But I don’t have that skill that allows me to smooth over anything and get people to see things my way.

Years ago, I talked with a political associate about an idea I had. This guy was very experienced in both politics and real estate. I had come up with an idea to develop a small piece of property and build about a dozen houses, so I asked his advice about whether I should try it.

He told me I shouldn’t do it. He said there was no flaw in my proposal. It was a really good idea and should be profitable. But he said that my personality would never work insofar as getting past the planning boards and zoning boards whose permission I would need. He said he knew I could do the work and do nice developments in the future, but he said I would never be able to get these people to like me enough to get them to sign off on it.

At the time, it hurt my feelings, but I know now that he’s right.

There are some things that I do very, very well. I’m very confident in my knowledge and skills in those areas. But there are some skills — which came naturally to some children — which will never be natural to me.

I can move comfortably among any people in a social situation and leave them with the impression that I’m a likable man. I can talk to anybody about anything. Nobody intimidates me. As long as we stick to small talk — and I get them to tell me about themselves, which others typically love — they will think they like me.

But that bores me quickly, because that’s not who I am. And once the “real me” comes out, most people are confused or bored or offended.

I wish there were more people who liked and appreciated what I really am. I don’t know how to change to be what they want — and I wouldn’t change even if I knew how. I need a partner who can be the likable one and make deals and talk to outsiders, but I’ve known that for years.

In the meantime, I guess I still need a warning sign — at least on some days — that says, “Does not play well with others.”

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Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

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