• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Nature made me like my mother, but my father tried to erase that

By David McElroy · September 27, 2020

I’ve spent my entire life at war with myself. It’s exhausting.

This isn’t a conflict most people recognize. I don’t blame them, though, because I lived with the conflict for decades without understanding this war within. My nature pushed me in one direction, but my childhood programming pushed me in another. Instead of choosing between them, I tried to have one foot on each side.

I wanted to be perfect. I tried to be competent, logical, driven, faultless, charming and well-adjusted. But something inside pushed me to be creative, brilliant, mercurial, iconoclastic and eccentric. I didn’t understand the natural tradeoffs of life.

When I was growing up, my father told me I was just like him. For a long time, I believed him. I tried to emulate him. Through constant self-discipline, I played the role he dictated for me. I loathed the part of myself that was more like my mother. I suppressed it. I denied it. I ignored it.

But I’ll never be what he wanted me to be. I know how to act that role. I can fake it. But on the inside, I’m the eccentric creative type struggling to get past the conventional mask I wear for the world.

I’m still trying to come to terms with the tradeoffs that come with being who I really am. It’s almost as though the ghosts of my dead parents are still fighting inside me — each trying to shape me in different ways.

I grew up with my father making fun of my mother behind her back. He was embarrassed that she could be a free spirit. He didn’t like it that she could have child-like fun when he expected stony-faced seriousness. And he belittled her desire to be create art as an amateur.

He never said any of these things to her, but his children heard them constantly. For some reason, I remember one story that he told many times, because he seemed sure that it proved that my mother was crazy.

He was transferred by his company to Knoxville, Tenn., in the summer after I finished first grade in Atlanta. When we went to look at the house we were going to rent, my mother was delighted with the huge back yard, so she excitedly took my very young sisters by the hands and ran with them out into the yard. She was running around with her squealing little girls, showing them how much fun it was going to be to live here.

In my father’s version of the story, she was a childish maniac running off — “skipping around the back yard,” as he put it — while a real estate agent was still showing features of the house. He wanted my mother to put on a serious face and listen to a discussion of the appliances or insulation or whatever else he was selling.

My mother didn’t care. She had already seen what she cared about — and she was far more concerned with living in the moment with her daughters.

How did it really happen? I was there, but my memory has been so clouded by his ridicule that it’s hard to be sure. I suspect Mother had heard all she cared about — and she was instinctively interested in showing her daughters how fun this new adventure could be.

Who was right? Does it matter? Most people would be more like my father. They would listen intently to whatever the agent was saying. They would have acted completely serious the whole time. They would have been socially “normal.”

But if I had a mother act that way with her daughters today at a house I showed them, I would be delighted. It would make me happy to see a loving mother and happy daughters getting to know the place I was showing them. I’d wait for them to have some fun and then get back to whatever we needed to talk about.

I understand now that there’s nothing wrong with my father’s way, but there’s also nothing wrong with my mother’s way. They’re just different. My father was eager to say that anything was wrong if it wasn’t his way, especially back in those days.

People who are too “normal” — who are more like my father in every way — aren’t as interesting to me. The people I tend to be most strongly drawn toward are extremists of one sort or another. People who have hidden “flaws” that most don’t even see. My father wanted us to be as much like his idea of “normal” as was possible. I tried for many years to be that person — but I’m not one of them.

I’m an eccentric. An iconoclast. A weirdo. Someone who listens to some internal voice and follows that call instead of emulating the norm.

Yes, I look like a conformist on the outside. It’s a useful package. It makes it easier to get along in the world. In the same way that my mother would put on a nice dress and go teach school when she needed to, I can put on my tie and go into the world looking like a conventional businessman.

But there are tradeoffs in what I am. I didn’t realize that for years. I finally accepted that there are tradeoffs for everybody, whether I like it or not.

If you happen to have a high IQ, you’re not like others on the inside, no matter how hard you want to be. (Depending on the test, I score between 155 and 165, but I’ve gotten to the point that I refuse to take IQ tests anymore.) If you happen to experience creative energy that pushes you to make things, you pay a price in being different from the norm in yet other ways, for good or bad. Whatever you are which is at one extreme, you give up something on the other end — and that is almost impossible to explain to people who are so much like the norm.

For me, depression has never been some chemical imbalance. Depression has always come from trying to be somebody I wasn’t. When I am able to live as I really am — with someone close to me who understands what I am — I feel exhilaration. When I’m having to live around people who don’t understand me and work at a “normal” job with normal people in a normal environment, I feel boxed in — and I become depressed.

I don’t think my mother was crazy. Not anymore. I think she was just an eccentric free spirit who didn’t want to be the sort of “normal” which my father insisted that she become. And I’m a lot like her.

I live a very conservative lifestyle, far more consecrative than most. I like it that way. But on the inside, I’m liberal and eccentric and wildly experimental — when it comes to ideas and emotions and new ways of looking at the world.

I’ve live all my life with this horrible war between these parts of myself. The conflict has almost destroyed me at times. But I’m trying to integrate the two parts — trying to become an emotionally healthy and balanced whole.

I’m grateful that I learned how to act my way through the normal world. That’s useful at times. You can drop me into a social or business setting and I can fake my way through whatever I need to get through. That came from my father.

But I’m also grateful for the Bohemian weirdo dreamer who’s inside. That’s what allows me to create. That’s what allows me to feel alive. That’s what allows me to know how to love and cherish those people and things which matter to me. That came from my mother.

I need to be able to live in “the real me” more often and more consistently. Not only is that when I’m the happiest, but it’s also when I’m the most loving — and it’s also when I am the most valuable in the economic sense.

When I move through the world — especially in business — I’ll continue to act the part of a conservative businessman most of the time. But don’t be surprised one of these days if I take the hand of my future child and go running through a back yard with joy and delight instead.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • If we’re seduced by our desires, we often follow devil in disguise
  • Openly gay people in U.S. military? So what? I have no objections
  • Tribal instincts cause us to see others as evil, when they’re just different

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Fri This was the Birmingham sunset at about 8 p.m. Friday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. an I was in the back yard with my dog at 5:30 a.m. and it suddenly started getting beautifully pink and magenta in the sky beyond the trees. I didn’t have time to go get my “real” camera, but this is what my iPhone caught of the lovely little display around us. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunrise #birmingham #alabama
I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the I tried to get Alex to pose for a portrait in the studio tonight, but I never figured out a way to get him to look at the camera. He was fascinated by the studio, though, and he purred the whole time. This was the place where I took the first photos of him on the night I captured him when he was a feral kitten. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I’ll let you know if any of the toy companies agree to pick this up as a featured toy for the upcoming Christmas season. Thanks, ChatGPT. 😺
Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped on the way home — about a mile from my house — for some dramatic lightning photos. #nature #naturephotography #sky #lightning #night #thunderstorms #birmingham #alabama
This was the Friday evening sunset near my house a This was the Friday evening sunset near my house about half an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and it’s just starting to rain lightly. The misting rain and low-lying fog that diffused the light from nearby street lamps give the night a magical feeling.
It seems as though the trees turned bare of their It seems as though the trees turned bare of their leaves almost overnight when I wasn’t paying attention. This is part of the neighborhood route that Lucy and I walk every night. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #iphone #birmingham #alabama
I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonigh I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonight as Lucy patrols the neighborhood for her final rounds of the day. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #clouds #iphone #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

Sam has actually gotten out of his bed for a few m Sam has actually gotten out of his bed for a few minutes early Friday afternoon, but I’m betting he’ll be back in the bed soon. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Just after sunrise Friday morning, Alex and Sam ar Just after sunrise Friday morning, Alex and Sam are sharing the cat bed on my desk. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex loves to chase a fabric mouse more than any o Alex loves to chase a fabric mouse more than any of the other games I play with him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Sam is curled up into a little circle on the cat b Sam is curled up into a little circle on the cat bed on my desk late Thursday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” here’s Thomas from For “throwback Thursday,” here’s Thomas from almost two years ago. He was already an old man who was declining rapidly by this point and I lost him a couple of months later. He was still handsome and distinguished all the way to the end. Thomas had been a feral adult when I took him in, so it was a long journey for him to be as happy and relaxed as he was for his last few years. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Just before midnight, Sam has been watching cars d Just before midnight, Sam has been watching cars drive in front of the house and generally keeping an eye on the neighborhood. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Although Oliver was alert and watching the neighbo Although Oliver was alert and watching the neighborhood when I got home, Alex was being his usual lazy self as he snoozed in the cat bed on top of my desk. He didn’t seem inclined to wake up to greet me this time. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
When I got back home a few minutes ago, Oliver was When I got back home a few minutes ago, Oliver was on Neighborhood Watch on the end of my desk right next to a window. He hadn’t been vigilant for the entire time I was gone, though, because I got notifications about an hour ago that all of my Internet-connected devices were offline. It turned out that one of the cats had unplugged the router, but I can’t tell which one of them is the guilty party. Nobody will admit to anything. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex was still playing when I left the house Wedne Alex was still playing when I left the house Wednesday afternoon. As I walked out of the bedroom, he tried to swipe at my arm. He’s a sneaky boy. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Search

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this link. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and Lucy will thank you. And so will I.

© 2011–2025 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN