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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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‘Good enough’ isn’t enough if you want a relationship that will last

By David McElroy · February 17, 2021

I know a woman who’s exhausted with her life. She’s unhappy. She’s sort of numb. She told me tonight that everything in her life went downhill after she had two children with the wrong man.

I jokingly asked this 42-year-old why she would choose the wrong man to get stuck with, but she took it as a serious question.

“He seemed good enough at the time,” she said. “I didn’t expect much and I thought maybe he would get better. I never really loved him, but I thought he was better than nothing at all. That was stupid. He was a terrible husband and a complete dud as a father.”

I felt sorry for her, but there was also a smug little part of me which thought, “I’d never allow myself to get stuck with someone I didn’t love.”

And then I remembered something. I almost did the same thing.

Nobody ever plans to get stuck with the wrong person. Nobody tells himself or herself that it’ll be just fine to end up with a partner who’s “good enough.” Someone who you can stay with as long as he or she isn’t really abusive. Someone you can live with and have children with — even if you don’t love the person.

About 15 years ago, I had been single for awhile. I met a lot of women. I went on a lot of dates. I had quite a few with whom there were three or four dates. Even a few dozen. But nobody held my interest long. And I really missed having a long-term partner.

When the next woman came along, she was just another in a long line of women who seemed interesting and attractive and intelligent — but not quite right for me. Still, I didn’t have anything else going on at the moment. She was interesting enough to spend time with. She was “good enough.”

I don’t know how to describe what I felt for her. I was attracted to her. I sometimes enjoyed spending time with her. We seemed to want some of the same things in life. And, eventually, she was crazy in love with me.

We had a complicated relationship. I’m not sure how to characterize it. I ended the relationship several times, but I came back to her several times, too, all because there wasn’t anybody else at the moment. There wasn’t anybody I really loved.

And then one day, there was someone I loved.

This “good enough” relationship made it difficult — it felt impossible at times — to do anything about the woman I wanted to pursue.

One of the worst things about sticking with someone who you know is wrong for you is that you’re not really available when the right one comes along. That inevitably happens, at least in my experience. And in my case, the long-term conflict — the equivocation and then the guilt — caused me to lose the one I wanted.

In the end, I was fortunate enough to lose the one with whom I never should have been involved. If a few minor things had happened differently, I would have married her. I would have been miserable. I think she would have been miserable, too. And we each would have blamed the other.

One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I always fall in love with a woman from the beginning — or else I never will. With this “good enough” woman who I’ve described, I kept hoping I’d love her. I was fond of her. I cared about her. But was it ever really love? No, I don’t think so, even though I tried.

In every other case in which I’ve fallen in love, I knew from the first moment that I would love this woman. How? I have no idea. In some cases, it’s been something I’ve experienced in person. In other cases, it’s been a photograph or a voice or … something which I can’t rationally put into words.

Somehow, I’ve just always known who I’d fall in love with — even though there have been times when a woman didn’t care enough to choose me in return.

I think most people settle for “good enough.” I think most of us do it because it seems better than being alone. We stay with that person for terrible reasons. We believe we’ve invested too much time to give it up now. We think that since we’ve had a child with that person, we need to stick with an unhappy relationship for the next 20 years — as though children don’t know what’s going on and then unconsciously model that behavior in their own relationships.

I’m not happy as a single person. I’ve made that clear, but I hope I’ve also made it clear that I won’t settle for someone who’s “good enough.” Even if such a person could be a decent companion and good mother and all of the outwardly good things, that’s not enough for me.

If I don’t fall hopelessly in love with a woman from the beginning — for reasons which are beyond my rational understanding — it will never happen. And no matter what she is otherwise, such a woman will always be simply “good enough.”

I need love, not good enough. And that’s probably true for you, too. Don’t settle.

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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