Why do we put off changes that might give meaning to our lives?

By David McElroy · May 15, 2021

I had another birthday last week. They seem to show up more quickly every year now. When I look in the mirror, I still see a 30-year-old man — but I wonder what others see.

For at least 10 years now — maybe 20 — I’ve had a list of things I need to change to make my life what I want it to be. I’ve made a lot of excuses about why I haven’t made those changes. Some of the excuses are pretty decent — even reasonable — but others are just self-indulgent whining.

I’m not yet where I want to be. I’m not yet who I want to be. And there’s a part of me which keeps telling me the lie that I still have forever to make those changes.

As I drove home from dinner Saturday night, I was almost hit by a speeding car which was running from a police car that was right behind it. I was on a four-lane highway which has a turn lane in the middle. I was stopped in the turn lane and was moments from darting to the left through an opening in traffic.

As I was about to accelerate into my left turn, I saw blue lights in my rear-view mirror — and then I realized the police car was chasing someone who was speeding directly toward me. I realized in horror that there was no way either of the cars could possibly stop.

They were about to hit me — and I thought I was about to die.

The driver who was fleeing from police swung into the lane to my left — barely missing the left side of my car and barely missing a head-on collision with a car in the oncoming lane. The police car came flying by at the same insane speeds.

All the other traffic around me had come to a complete stop. For a long pause, it was silent except for the sirens of two police cars, as another one joined the chase. In that brief silence — which felt longer than it was — I had the strong sense that I had just escaped death.

I pulled off the highway into a parking lot where I’d been headed and I turned off the car. I’ve been in a few accidents in the past — including hitting a deer late at night on a country road — but I felt more scared after this incident than I’ve ever felt after an actual accident. I was surprised at the thoughts that flooded my head.

It wasn’t a rational, coherent narrative. It was a series of fleeting images and disconnected thoughts.

I felt disappointed in myself in that moment, because I suddenly had the irrational thought that I would be horribly disappointed in myself if I’d died right then and hadn’t done more with my life. It wasn’t a regret over not becoming rich and famous as a businessman or empire-builder — things which once would have been my dying regrets — but it was about not having the life I needed.

Those fleeting thoughts were about missing love. Missing connection. Unfulfilled desires to create more and do more. The images were about things missing. I saw a woman’s face. I even had fleeting thoughts of children I’ve never really met. There were places I’d never been. Words I’d never written and images I’d never created.

As the chaotic mixture of thoughts finally subsided, I realized that some of this might have been influenced by a conversation I had had with a friend at dinner.

She and I had been talking about someone we both knew who almost died recently. (It seems as though I’ve had a lot of friends who’ve had brushes with death lately.) As we were lamenting what had happened to our mutual friend, I brought up the fact that we both know he’s unhappy with his life and hasn’t been wiling to fix the problems that make him unhappy.

I told my her that his brush with death should be a wake-up call to him to make changes while he still has the chance.

And as I sat in that parking lot — making the connection between my own situation and what I had said about my friend just minutes before — I realized that I was talking about myself as well. Why don’t we make the changes in our lives that we know we need to make? Why do we allow ourselves to feel so miserable and off-course, but do so little to fix what’s wrong?

I think we wrongly believe we still have plenty of time. I still look at myself and think there’s plenty of time to find the love and connection I need. There’s still plenty of time to have a loving family. There’s still plenty of time to serve the world around me by creating art and teaching the messages I feel called to share.

I think we’re also afraid of failure and the judgment of others. I might not like the life I have, but at least I know how to live that life. Nobody has to look at me sadly and criticize me for chasing “impossible dreams.” I might be unhappy with my life, but it’s a life that those around me can understand. I’m not going to be criticized for it.

The truth is that we don’t have forever. We might not even have tomorrow. All we have is today. And waiting around for some time in the future — when others might approve of the things we might need to do — is a great way to waste our lives.

It frustrates me that I keep learning this lesson and then forgetting it. After the fear of dying today has passed, the fear of others’ judgment returns. The fear of failure returns. The fear of embarrassing myself returns. And I go back to making excuses — the excuses that keep me from making the changes I know I need to make.

My life has been on hold for awhile. I keep realizing that and trying to force myself into action, but I keep finding new excuses — really good ones, no doubt — to keep myself from taking chances.

I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson. I’d like to think I’ll begin tomorrow on making all the changes I’ve been putting off. But if I keep making excuses for myself, I’ll let another birthday pass next year — and the year after that — when I look in the mirror and say, “Hey, I still have plenty of time to change.”

And following that path is exactly what causes most people to go to their graves full of bitter regrets.

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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