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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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She had issues that scared me, but I felt loved and understood

By David McElroy · November 14, 2021

All I want and all I need
Is someone who believes in me.
— Reese Roper, “Suckerpunch”

I’ve never felt as loved and understood as I felt when I read her email that night.

It was years ago, and I hadn’t thought about what she wrote for a very long time. I thought the memory was safely packed away in my unconscious — in a box marked, “Dangerous: Do not open.”

The box opened all by itself late Friday night and memories came tumbling out. I have no idea why. I can’t explain it. But for the last 24 hours or so, I’ve been filled with memories of feelings which are awful and terrible and painful — but also sweet and loving and healing.

I honestly can’t say whether this is good or bad. I just know the memories hurt my heart, but they also remind me so much of what I long to feel again.

It’s a reminder of a brilliant and beautiful woman who loved me and understood me. Should it matter that she also had issues that scared me, issues that scared her about herself as well?

I don’t know how to explain the email that I suddenly remembered Friday night. It was unlike anything I’ve ever received or even heard of. Without context or explanation, she wrote about what she imagined it would have been to watch me work, back when I was a newspaper editor.

She wrote it in the third person, as though she was a dispassionate observer describing what she saw in her imagination. She never knew me in those days, but I had taken her to one of the newspapers where I had worked. I had shown her my old desk and newsroom and composing room and pressroom. I had walked her through the way everything worked — and she was mesmerized by it all.

She didn’t write about it until several years later. We hadn’t talked about it for a long time. But when she wrote about it that night, it was beautifully written and very accurate. Mostly, though, it showed a loving understanding of who I was — of what my work had meant to me and how good I was at it. What she wrote was glowing with understanding and admiration and love.

More than anything else, the underlying subtext of it said, “I believe in you even more than you believe in yourself.”

Late Saturday night, I decided to find that old email. I couldn’t remember exactly when it was, so I started searching among the old emails from her. The things I found astonished me.

I didn’t realize quite how much I had forgotten about her. It wasn’t so much the facts about her that I had put behind me. The facts about her were still in my memory, but it was her powerful presence that I’d forgotten.

It was her voice. I don’t even mean a recording of her physical voice. I mean the powerful personality — the force of will — that came through in everything she wrote. She was larger than life, whether we were discussing philosophy or theology or economics or linguistics or psychology. (I saw examples of all of those things in our emails.) When I read some of her old emails tonight, they weren’t dry words on my screen. They were a digital embodiment of a powerful living force that still lived in the words.

I remembered she was smart, of course, but I’d forgotten just how brilliant and original and powerful she was. There was a strength of will which is hard to explain. She was like a force of nature which had never been controlled — one which could create life and beauty but which could also destroy and leave chaos in its wake. I loved and admired that strength.

Our relationship ended poorly, for complicated reasons. Some of the blame was hers. Some was mine. It’s been so long that none of that matters now.

But I found something tonight which I’d forgotten about. It was one of the very last things she ever wrote to me. It was long after we had parted ways, but both of us were still trying to come to terms with our past together. She wrote to me about something she had done — which mirrored something I had done a few years before — which involved trying to relive our relationship, but imagining it from my point of view. It was apparently a painful experience for her.

“And I began to loathe the self of mine that emerged as I walked through the narrative,” she wrote. “That woman who hurt you! … I loathe her. … You did not deserve to have your heart treated so carelessly as I treated it, and I am forever sorry.”

I had hurt her. She had hurt me. Each of us had painful regrets about things we had done. Each of us wished we could change how things had turned out. But it was too late by then. Even so, it was powerful and important that she was able to take responsibility for the part she had played.

I never did find the email I was looking for tonight, the one in which she imagined what it would have been like to watch me work. And maybe that’s better. I don’t know how well I would have handled the intensity of those emotions right now.

Even without the words in front of me, I remember how much it meant to me. She loved me. She admired me. She understood what my work meant to me — and my work was important to her, too. She believed I could do great work.

She believed I could change the world, because she believed in me.

I’ve talked often about my deep need to be loved and understood, but there’s another piece that goes along with that. I need someone who believes in me. Not just anyone, though. I need that from a woman who I admire and value with all my heart as well.

I want the love and understanding and admiration of a woman who is brilliant and powerful and competent and brave and amazing — someone who is a force of nature who recognizes something similar in me. Someone who lives without regard for what others think or believe about her.

I found that once, but I lost it because her issues scared me. If I ever find it again, I’m going to hold on, even if I’m holding onto an emotional tornado who needs healing just as much as I do.

I need a woman who believes in me, but she has to be so amazing that I believe in her, too. And unicorns of that sort don’t come along very often.

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For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliv For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliver some message worth sharing through audio or video if I just had the right platform. It’s always been an intuitive feeling, not a specific plan. And now that I have the technology in place to do a wide variety of media, that nasty old inner critic rears its head, asking whether I really have anything worthwhile to say. And as I sit here practicing, I still have no idea who’s right — my long-term intuition or my harsh inner critic.
Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite a pastel light show in the sky to the west of me. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just wa This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just watched behind a restaurant in Moody. It’s been raining all evening, but it cleared just enough for some colorful light to poke through the clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the h Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the horizon, the late-evening light was colorful and magical Thursday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this with my “real” camera, so this is just an iPhone panorama. It was beautiful to see in person. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Today was a day when human beings seemed even more Today was a day when human beings seemed even more inexplicable than usual. On days such as this one, I appreciate the beauty and majesty of nature even more than usual. Beauty always makes sense, whether I can put that into words or not. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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