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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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If we keep waiting for perfection, we’ll always keep traveling alone

By David McElroy · November 21, 2021

All my life, I’ve been in search of the ideal. Perfect people. Flawless performances. And a perfect romantic partner.

I wouldn’t have admitted this for a long time, mostly because I didn’t realize it. I told myself I had high standards — for myself and others — but I didn’t understand for years how much I was communicating my disapproval to others. I didn’t realize that I was silently telling others, “You’re not good enough for me.”

I had a long conversation late Saturday night with a woman who I used to spend a lot of time with. We were friends, but we never had a romantic relationship. When something came up about the fact we had never dated, she told me something surprising.

“I didn’t think I would ever be what you wanted in a woman,” she said. “You told me all the things you were looking for — and I didn’t think I’d ever be good enough for your standards.”

Was she right? Have I been focused on an unattainable ideal? Someone who doesn’t exist? Am I alone because I wouldn’t accept “almost perfect” when I had the chance?

She told me things I had told her I wanted — things she didn’t think she could ever meet. Some of them were physical standards. She was afraid she wasn’t tall enough for me since she’s “only” 5-foot-9. She knew that my ideal woman would have blue eyes and she has hazel eyes. She didn’t think I would find her attractive enough.

And there were other things.

“You just always seemed to want someone who would be so completely put together and perfect,” she said, “and I didn’t think you would ever see me as good enough.”

Earlier Saturday, another female friend — someone I’ve known for only about five or six years — was sharing some details about her past that I never knew. She shared about sexual abuse that happened when she was a child. She talked about different sorts of abuse she had suffered as a teen. And she talked about being homeless for awhile in her early 20s before I knew her.

If you met her today, you wouldn’t suspect any of that. She’s a professional with a graduate degree who lives in a nice home. She’s stunningly beautiful. She’s very intelligent and she’s charming when she wants to be. She appears to have everything together.

But she has dark feelings and dark fears. She admitted today that she has horrible thoughts about herself. She feels defective and broken. She has trouble keeping close friendships. She implied that she feels so isolated that she’s thought about suicide, even though she wouldn’t directly admit that.

Listening to her affected me deeply.

This is a young woman who would be a very attractive romantic partner for most men. She could have almost anybody she wanted. She wouldn’t be a good match for me, simply because our values are too different. But for men with values that align better with the culture around us, she would be an amazing catch.

All of that is true. Everything seems perfect on the outside. But would her hidden dark side make her “not good enough” or at least too complicated for most men? Probably. Would I have pushed away someone who had such issues at one time. Definitely. (Of course, the irony is that I was in denial about my own hidden dark side at the time.)

After what she shared today, I found myself thinking — not for the first time — that we have insane judgment about who to choose and who to reject. And I found myself thinking that anybody who wants the great things that come with this woman — which is most of her — needs to be willing to accept and deal with the hidden dark side, too.

I rejected a woman about 12 years ago because I saw evidence that she had emotional issues that scared me. (I’ve talked about this multiple times, most recently last week.) I like to think I’m wiser than that now, but I know I’ve walked away from “not perfect enough” more than once.

I hope I’ve learned that lesson.

The friend with whom I talked Saturday night did have values that aligned with mine. She would have been a really good match for me back then. But she wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. She wasn’t perfect. And so I let her know — in a way that probably wasn’t subtle — that she wasn’t “good enough” for me.

I’m not arguing for throwing standards out the window. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t insist on a partner who meets our important standards, especially when it comes to shared values and shared expectations about what a family should be.

I’m just saying that the things we often treat as being of paramount importance — looks, money, social acceptance — are relatively unimportant compared to the things that do matter. Shared values, emotional connection, real intimacy and more.

If the people around you think you have a great match — because you’re both successful and attractive and socially acceptable — but you don’t have the connections that matter, you’re going to be miserable. In fact, if you’re paired with someone like that, being with that person will be worse than being alone.

But if you have love and connection and understanding — and shared values and true intimacy — when nobody’s around, the other things ultimately don’t matter.

If you’re blind enough and short-sighted enough to expect everything from someone, you might reject the right partner for the wrong reasons.

And you might just end up alone and unhappy while you wait for perfection. I can tell you from personal experience that it’s a terrible mistake to make.

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It was too cloudy last night for me to take a phot It was too cloudy last night for me to take a photo of the lunar eclipse, so I missed the beautiful red image that I saw from others. But the sky overhead tonight is crystal clear — and the moon seemed especially bright — so I snapped a shot anyway. I don’t really have the right lens for this since I have to blow it up massively when I shoot at 240mm. Surprisingly, this image was made at 1/250th of a second at f/6.3 and ISO 250. I’d like to have a longer lens for such a shot, but it’s not worth the money since I’d rarely use it. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tue The aftermath of sunset looked soft and pastel Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but I didn’t have my “real camera” with me, but the iPhone gives you a sense of how colorful the sky was just a moment ago right before the sun slipped beneath the horizon. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The Saturday evening sunset punches through the he The Saturday evening sunset punches through the heavy clouds sitting just over the horizon, just enough to create a spectacular orange show as the world spins toward another night of darkness. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday This was sunset just east of Birmingham Wednesday evening behind the restaurant where I had dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the best things about this time of year is One of the best things about this time of year is that I see far more sunsets since they occur later in the evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught just the very end of sunset through the t I caught just the very end of sunset through the trees behind the restaurant where I’m eating Tuesday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
One of the things I really enjoy about spring is h One of the things I really enjoy about spring is having sunsets later in the evening. Here’s the one I just watched while I was at dinner. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved I just caught the very end of sunset, but I loved how the fading colors looked behind the evening clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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