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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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I’m a liar — and you are, too; most of all, we lie to ourselves

By David McElroy · February 9, 2022

Tonight I’m gonna break away
Just you wait and see
I’ll never be imprisoned by
A faded memory
— Rusty Young (for Poco), “Crazy Love”

I almost always believe my own lies. I’ve lived inside this mind for long enough to know better. But I still fall for my own clever tricks.

I try not to lie to other people. I was raised to be a good liar, so I certainly know how, but I know it’s wrong. It know it hurts others. I even know it hurts me in the long run. Every now and then, I trap myself into a situation when it’s easier to lie — but I struggle to stay truthful with others. I usually win that moral battle.

I have no scruples about lying to myself, though. The conscience that speaks so loudly when I’m tempted to mislead others completely disappears when it comes to myself. And even though I’m usually insightful enough to suspect when others are lying, I’m a gullible child when it comes to my own lies.

There’s a war that goes on inside me. Different parts of me want different things. Each part of me is certain that he knows what’s best for me. It works that way for you, too, even though you’re convinced there’s one united “you” in there.

And when one part of me wants what it wants — in defiance of everything which the rational parts of me know is best — that part of me lies.

I lie to myself about my feelings. I lie about my future. I lie about money. I lie about what I’m going to eat. But most of all, I lie to myself about love.

I’m not an idiot, although I can appear that way when I’m in the grips of self-deception. It’s not that I don’t know what I should do. Or what I shouldn’t do. I know these things. The reasonable and rational parts of me knows.

But there’s a self-destructive part of me which doesn’t care what my reasonable parts know. All that selfish part knows that is it must have what it wants. It’s like a gremlin inside with a mind of its own — who’s convinced that the rest of me will eventually be thankful for its trickery. That believes the rest of me with be grateful that it led the entire “me” into the same old mistakes once again.

If you think I’m crazy — multiple personalities or something — please realize that you are just as divided inside your own mind. It’s not just me. We’re all this way.

We love to believe there’s one unitary “me” inside each one of us — with the rational mind setting direction and giving orders — but each of us is a collection of competing interests, fears, wants and needs on the inside. Different parts of the brain and heart want different things — and there’s less coordination between those warring factions than we assume.

The belief that the unitary “me” is in control gives us an illusion of stability, right up until the moment we find ourselves wanting things or doing things or saying things which that rational executive function never agreed to.

Humans are irrational at best and fundamentally insane at worst, but it’s often a comfort to each of us to believe he or she is different from the rest.

I understand the science behind why this happens, but that doesn’t help. I can comfort myself with the knowledge that you do it, too. But the truth is that I have to live with my own lies most of all. I can accuse you of bad motives or outright dishonest behavior, because I see you as one whole person, not as your individual parts. When you don’t keep your word — or when you claim one thing and then do another — I can write you off as a bad person.

I can’t do that with myself. I have to live with my own lies — and I have to find reasonable ways to justify why I do the things I do and say the things I say. I somehow have to make it all make sense in my head. I have to come up with one compelling narrative — a story in which I’m the hero. The good guy.

And so I lie to myself to save my sanity.

I tell myself I’m not going to eat any more ice cream. I tell myself that I’m going to ignore my distaste for my job and become prosperous again anyway. I tell myself that I’m going to stop wasting so much time — that I’m going to be more productive about the creative work which scares me.

Most of all, though, I lie to myself about love. I tell myself that I know what I’m doing this time. I tell myself that I’m not going to love anymore when the love isn’t going to be returned. I tell myself that I’m not going to fall for anyone who’s dysfunctional. I tell myself that I’m going to break free of cherished love which ought to be completely dead and gone by now.

I tell myself — and I really mean it — that I’m going to find somebody sane and reasonable and feasible for me to fall in love with. Someone who will choose me. Someone who will love me completely, too. Honest. I really mean it this time.

But I know I’m lying. I’m still stuck inside a disorienting house of mirrors — where smiling liars tell me soothing lies — and all the faces are my own.

Note: If you have any interest in reading some of the science behind why there are competing interests inside us — and why we’re powerless to do anything about it — I can recommend “Why Everyone (Else) Is a Hypocrite: Evolution and the Modular Mind.” The first half of the book is phenomenal, but the second half was less interesting to me. I read it about 10 years ago and it helped me understand why the different parts of me can’t agree on everything.

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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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