When people show you who they are, trust their actions, not words

By David McElroy · March 14, 2022

When I ran into Brittany tonight, she seemed subdued. She’s normally bubbly and happy, but it was obvious that she was miserable.

There were other people around at first, so I couldn’t ask much about what was doing on. I just leaned over and asked, “Are you OK?” She quietly mouthed, “I’ll tell you later.”

When the place had cleared out, she came and sat with me. Then she explained what her boyfriend had done Saturday. It’s a long story, but he was intentionally cruel and mean to her. He had laughed about it Sunday and taunted her. But when she threatened today to break up with him, he alternated between begging her not to and angrily threatening her if she did.

Brittany acknowledged what we were both thinking. I had warned her about this man after he did something similarly cruel and nasty to her nearly a year ago. I had warned her then to get away from him — because she had discovered who he really is.

But Brittany had given him another chance. And when similar things have happened over the months, she’s done the same thing. She chooses to believe his convenient words of remorse instead of his actions.

People eventually demonstrate who they really are. Always. When people demonstrate what they are — through their actions — believe them. It’s idiocy to pretend that people are going to be something other than what they’ve shown you.

Brittany hasn’t learned that lesson yet. And it’s a lesson that I’ve been really slow to learn, too.

Until someone hurts you or breaks your trust for the first time, you are that person’s victim when he or she does dishonest or dysfunctional things that hurt you. But after that person has demonstrated what he or she really is, the responsibility is on you when the person does the same thing to you again and again.

That’s a rather complicated way of saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

When you allow someone to demonstrate again and again what he or she really is, you have to blame yourself. Don’t ask for sympathy from others — because it’s your own choices which are hurting you. You have become the enabler of that person’s ugly or dysfunctional behavior.

Sadly, I can understand what it’s like to be in such a position. When I’m committed to someone, I’m slow to finally say, “You know what? This is who she really intends to be. This is who she is.” I’m prone to seeing the best in someone I love, so I have a tendency to hope that someone will learn from mistakes — and I often overlook that fact that someone doesn’t really understand why she’s hurt me.

Everyone who’s ever “done you wrong” has an excuse for his or her actions which harmed you. The person might be delusional or dishonest. The person might be downright mean and evil. There’s also the possibility that he or she might be partially right about some of those justifications.

But whether the person is right or not — or malicious or not — it’s still your responsibility to keep yourself emotionally safe and to protect yourself from further harm.

Almost every time I see someone doing something which I want to criticize, I can see some way in which I’ve been guilty of something similar myself. So I often have to turn my critical words on myself. I have to ask why I’m so quick to see what others are doing wrong — and so slow to correct my own similar errors.

When we hold onto people past the point at which they’ve shown us who they are, I think it’s frequently because we’re trying to be consistent with what we’ve committed to. We’ve said, “I love this person,” and so we believe that best about that person. And we keep believing that his or her actions will eventually match the words we’ve heard. And we don’t want to believe that we could have been so unwise as to fall in love with someone whose values are so warped or whose behavior is so dysfunctional.

But it’s OK to change your mind and your actions when you realize what a person really is. It’s perfectly acceptable to admit you made a mistake about a person. It’s in your own best interests to give up on someone who has shown you that he or she will never match the idealistic things you believed in the beginning.

A wolf can pretend to be a sheep for quite a long time. The wolf can dress himself up to look the right way. The wolf can act a lot like a sheep when times are good. But when the wolf gets hungry, he’s going to hurt or kill some sheep. He can’t help it. That’s who he is.

Until a person shows you that he (or she) is a wolf, it’s reasonable for you to be surprised and hurt when the evidence comes out the first time. Nobody can blame you for not knowing this if the evidence hadn’t been there.

But once a wolf has shown you who he really is, you’re just asking for trouble — and you’re asking for that person to hurt you and to hurt others — if you’re not wise enough to break the spell and get out of the way.

I hope Brittany is going to learn this and get away from her wolf. And I hope I’ve finally learned it for myself, too.

Share on Social Networks

I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

Related Posts