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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Hope can be dangerous when the path ahead is dark and uncertain

By David McElroy · December 1, 2024

Oh, I don’t wanna be alone
I wanna find a home
And I wanna share it with you
— Maggie Heath, “Hello My Old Heart”

I’ve been so busy for the last few years that I haven’t had time to hope.

I’ve been busy with a real estate brokerage. I’ve been consumed by trying to figure out how to write and produce a video series about how to escape from our dysfunctional culture. And I’ve been focused on how to slowly renovate my old house and improve my financial condition.

In the meantime, my heart was locked away. I successfully distracted myself — for the most part — from my need for love and family and community.

But then I fell into a hole a few weeks ago. Like Alice falling down a rabbit hole into Wonderland, I found myself in a place — metaphorically speaking — where things didn’t quite make sense. The pieces didn’t fit into a coherent narrative. It’s been more like finding puzzle pieces and not knowing what they might be, but somehow feeling as though they’re meaningful.

It all started in a grocery store.

I was at Walmart one night a few weeks ago when I suddenly became aware of all the products on display that were aimed at people preparing for their family Thanksgiving dinners. It wasn’t anything unusual. It was the same sorts of displays you see every year around this time.

But I suddenly felt very emotional. Something hit me hard enough that I wanted to cry — for no apparent reason.

Then I realized that I was jealous of all those people who were about to be celebrating this holiday with their families. I’m cynical enough about families in postmodern America that I knew that many of those people — maybe even most of them — would be unhappy to be spending time with families they didn’t like. I know what it’s like to be forced to spend holiday time around dysfunctional families and unhappy people, but that’s not what I focused on that night.

Instead, I was thinking about families who really loved each other. I was thinking about emotionally healthy and well-adjusted husbands and wives who were raising their children in loving and healthy ways.

And then I realized — not for the first time — how much I wanted that for myself.

A few days later, I needed to find some information that I knew was in an old text message somewhere on my iPhone, so I typed in a search phrase that I thought should be obscure enough to find just what I wanted. The second item that came up on the list contained what I was looking for, but before I got to that, I made the mistake of tapping on a different conversation — one which was with someone who I haven’t talked with in years.

It was a conversation with a woman who I once loved. I don’t know why I kept reading. It wasn’t really noteworthy, but maybe that’s what made it oddly compelling.

It was just a conversation between two people who loved each other. She was with the family she grew up with — spending a few days for a holiday at the time — and she was in the middle of an emotional crisis with a couple of people in her family. It wasn’t even that big a deal, but it was something hurtful to her.

The details don’t matter at this point, but as I read about it, I was vividly reminded what it felt like to be loved and needed and wanted. In her time of emotional need, she wanted to be with me. She wanted me to comfort her. She wanted me to love her and soothe her, because she loved me.

When I closed that conversation, I immediately realized that what I was feeling wasn’t about that woman. She and I have long since moved in very different directions. It was merely a powerful reminder of what it felt like to be loved and needed — by someone else.

There have been other odd things that pushed similar buttons lately. A couple of night ago, I awakened in the middle of the night feeling confused. I found myself living out a scene from the Leo Tolstoy novel, “Anna Karenina,” at least emotionally. I was the character of Levin early in the novel, when he was falling in love with Princess Ekaterina (Kitty) and was terrified at feeling unworthy of loving her.

Why? I don’t know. But as my confusion faded and I realized it had just been an odd dream, it seemed meaningful.

I don’t like to start thinking about my need for love and family, simply because it’s too easy to become obsessed again about what I don’t have — to think too much about what I haven’t yet found.

I don’t like to think about that too much, because it’s too easy to lose myself in that. It’s too easy to become distracted by the love I want, by the family I want, by the loving home I want.

I start thinking about the house I’d like to build and I start thinking about the family I’d like to build within its walls. It’s a beautiful vision and it makes my heart beat again — but it’s a terrifying thing to give myself over to hope when I know of nothing I can do to make the vision into reality.

I feel as though I’m far behind where I needed to be at this point it life. It took me years to get myself emotionally healthy enough to be the sort of partner I’d like to be for an emotionally healthy woman. It took me years to feel healthy enough to be the kind of father I want to be. (I was afraid for many years that I might be something like my narcissistic father and I was unwilling to do that to children.)

And now that I finally feel ready to pursue what others might have pursued in their 20s or 30s, I feel as though I’m wandering on a path where I can’t see what’s ahead of me. I feel as though I’m walking along a path through a forest. It’s foggy around me and I have a blindfold over my eyes. All I can do is either stand where I am — or else take one step after another forward, without any idea where I’m going.

I have a lot of things I need to be doing right now. The real estate brokerage needs a lot of work. I have a lot of art and commentary that I need to write and produce. And I need to keep making money to improve my life.

But this unexpected recent trip down a rabbit hole has reminded me that my heart is still waiting for the healthy love that it’s been needing for a very long time.

Note: The lines that I quoted at the start are from the Oh Hellos song, “Hello My Old Heart,” which I found myself thinking about as I wrote this. The song is embedded below. I don’t know this to be the case, but I strongly suspect that songwriter Maggie Heath was inspired on this subject by what C.S. Lewis wrote about hiding a heart away in his book “The Four Loves.”

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I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I I apparently have way too much time on my hands. I’ll let you know if any of the toy companies agree to pick this up as a featured toy for the upcoming Christmas season. Thanks, ChatGPT. 😺
Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped Thunderstorms are just starting here, so I stopped on the way home — about a mile from my house — for some dramatic lightning photos. #nature #naturephotography #sky #lightning #night #thunderstorms #birmingham #alabama
This was the Friday evening sunset near my house a This was the Friday evening sunset near my house about half an hour ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and Lucy and I are taking her last walk of the day and it’s just starting to rain lightly. The misting rain and low-lying fog that diffused the light from nearby street lamps give the night a magical feeling.
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I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonigh I love the way the sky looks over our heads tonight as Lucy patrols the neighborhood for her final rounds of the day. #nature #naturephotography #sky #nightsky #clouds #iphone #birmingham #alabama
I’m recording video for a YouTube project late F I’m recording video for a YouTube project late Friday night and I just started thinking about how much different things in the studio look to me as compared to what video viewers see. The reality is that my home studio is just a room at my house that’s stuffed with lights and equipment (first shot), but when you look at what’s on the screen (second shot) you might assume I’m in a real studio somewhere. The only problem is that there are train tracks close to my house, so I have to shut down production whenever Norfolk Southern decides to send a freight train through my neighborhood. It’s amazing what is possible today that would have been impossible not that long ago.
The sky was beautiful above me as I walked out of The sky was beautiful above me as I walked out of Walmart just a few minutes ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
It’s only 9:30 p.m. and I’m finally almost hom It’s only 9:30 p.m. and I’m finally almost home, but it feels more like midnight. I showed houses tonight and then had to deal with some tenant problems in a couple of rental houses. I think it feels so late simply because it’s starting to get dark earlier and I’m not accustomed to it yet. On a night such as this one — when I feel really tired — I feel as though my clothes and face are a work uniform. And I’m ready to take the uniform off and go off-duty for the night.
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Lucy’s nightly appearance on her Neighborhood Wa Lucy’s nightly appearance on her Neighborhood Watch patrols have been enough to keep the area safe from criminals and other ne’er-do-wells for the 10 years we’ve lived here, so the bad folks are clearly terrified of her. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
After a couple of days of rain — including serio After a couple of days of rain — including serious thunderstorms this morning — Oliver is enjoying some sunshine in an office window Saturday evening. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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I just came home to change clothes and found Olive I just came home to change clothes and found Oliver camped out on my desk watching the neighborhood. He was too focused on whatever he’s been watching to pay much attention to me this evening. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
As he hangs off the corner of my desk to survey th As he hangs off the corner of my desk to survey the office, it’s pretty clear just how productive a day Alex is having. His work is exhausting and he needs a weekend to recover. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex hid underneath a t-shirt on the bed for a few Alex hid underneath a t-shirt on the bed for a few minutes — and Oliver wasn’t quite sure what to think about the situation until his tabby brother emerged. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
A few minutes ago, I couldn’t find Sam anywhere. A few minutes ago, I couldn’t find Sam anywhere. Alex and Oliver were both in the bedroom, but they didn’t act as though anything was abnormal. I was starting to panic after looking for about 10 minutes when I finally saw two little eyes looking up at me from a pile of black clothes. The pile was roughly at waist level for me, so that meant when I glanced at the pile, I saw nothing but a big pile of black stuff. It wasn’t until I saw his eyes that I realized that Sam was part of that black “stuff.” #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
We’ve had some groundhogs in the yard off and on We’ve had some groundhogs in the yard off and on for the last couple of months, so I’m pretty sure Sam is on the lookout for groundhogs to hiss at and chase away. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex is waking up briefly from a nap on the firepl Alex is waking up briefly from a nap on the fireplace mantle, but he’ll be back to sleep before I can finish typing this. That’s Oliver behind him on the other end of the mantle. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

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For four years, Donald Trump’s supporters screamed that everything that went wrong was the fault of Joe Biden. They were sometimes right and they were sometimes delusional. (Anybody who knows me understands that I can’t stand Biden any more than I can stand Trump, just for different reasons.) But for two months, Trump has rampaged through U.S. political life — vandalizing pretty much everything in sight — and the vast majority of his supporters are silent at best. Many watch as he blows up the world economy and they make excuses for him. They’re in absolute denial, even about things that Trump is doing very intentionally. Anybody who understands economics and history knows that tariffs are a terrible idea from a pragmatic point of view. Anybody who values individual freedom knows that tariffs are massive taxes on individuals — and they’re a tool of political control over the ability of people to trade freely. Trump is the antithesis of everything which political conservatives stood for just a few years ago. It’s far past time for people who claim to be conservatives to reclaim the principles and values which they used to claim — and stop this mad man before he can accelerate the day when we experience economic and social collapse. Open your eyes to reality and reject this lying narcissist.

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