It took me years to realize my own negative emotions terrify me.
For a long time, I took pride in always having my feelings under control. Even when other people hurt me or treated me badly, I didn’t lash out at them. I didn’t show anger. No matter what the circumstances were — or what someone had done to me — I was almost always cool, calm and in complete control of my feelings.
I finally understand why I did that — and I understand why I feel like a caged animal when I experience negative emotions. I understand now why I want to repress what I’m feeling and get away from whoever has made me feel the emotions I fear. I get it now.
In Alice Miller’s influential book about parental child abuse, “The Drama of the Gifted Child,” she imagines a hurting adult child asking his or her parent a difficult question. The book was recommended to me years ago, but I just got around to reading it this weekend. As I read this question, I felt sick at my stomach — because I already knew the answer for my life.
We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone
Why do we stay in prison when there’s no lock holding us there?
What if other people see you or hear you differently than you do?
I’m trying to silence inner critic who says I ought to be perfect