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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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relationships

When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

By David McElroy · October 10, 2019

I woke up one morning and the fever was gone. Suddenly, unexpectedly, with no explanation. I didn’t love her anymore.

She was gone. I accepted that, but this was more. I didn’t want her anymore. It wasn’t sour grapes. I had moped and pursued her for a couple of years. She practically begged me to. But I had given all I could give to her. I had given her every chance. Finally, the love was dead. I was drained.

It was like the breaking of a fever. One day, my heart was sick that I couldn’t have her, that she wouldn’t choose me, that she wouldn’t reverse the mistake she admitted that she had made.

And then the next day, I simply didn’t care. I don’t know how it changed. I just woke up knowing that I didn’t care anymore. The painful longing was gone. I got out of bed and casually blocked her on Facebook. It was time to cut the last remaining ties.

She never heard a word from me again, not even an explanation or a goodbye. It felt liberating.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: hope, hurt, love, relationships

Forget your partner’s best traits; worst traits predict your future

By David McElroy · June 3, 2019

See if you’ve heard this story before. Or maybe lived it.

It was about 12 years ago when my friend married a man who seemed like her dream guy. She cared about money and status and prestige in her church and community. He had it all. He was a successful businessman. He was respected and held positions in community organizations. He was a leader at his church who served on committees and boards.

Before they married, there were warning signs, but she ignored them. He checked every box on her list of things she wanted. Anything else must be insignificant. She could deal with the rest as long as she had her dream man. Her friends and family told her how lucky she was to have someone with his qualities. She agreed.

After the wedding, the fantasy started fading. Those little warning signs she had ignored — the flashes of anger and cruelty — became more common. He routinely called her vile names. He bullied her into not talking with friends anymore. He was insanely jealous for no reason.

And because she thought she had no choice — since she had her dream guy — she put up with it.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: intimacy, love, marriage, psychology, relationships, vulnerability

Romantic interest no easier now than it was for me in sixth grade

By David McElroy · April 11, 2019

It was just after Thanksgiving of my sixth grade year. For about a year and a half, I had had the worst sort of crush on a girl in my class named Wendy Ford. When I was 11, she was my dream girl.

I was terrified for anybody to figure out that I “liked” Wendy, of course. And the absolute worst thing would be for her to know it. This is confusing to adult logic, but it made perfect sense back then. Somehow, she was going to “like” me first and let me know — and then I could confess that I “liked” her, too. And then we would get married. Or something like that.

Instead, one of her friends came over to me — in music class — and asked, “Do you like Wendy?”

My face must have turned bright red. I felt as though everybody was looking at me. My heartbeat raced. And I denied it. I assured her that it wasn’t true, but I doubt I was convincing. I just wanted to be anywhere but there.

“You should have liked her,” the friend said, “because she likes you.”

Thursday evening, I remembered what that sort of conversation felt like — and I didn’t like it any better than I did when I was 11.

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  • We’re neither friends nor enemies, just strangers who share the past
  • ‘This path leads to somewhere I think I can finally say, I’m home’
  • When love finally dies, it’s like a fever breaks and the pain is gone

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: love, relationships, romance

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I just watched a lovely moonrise going on right ov I just watched a lovely moonrise going on right over sunset. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
It was rainy for much of the day Saturday, but the It was rainy for much of the day Saturday, but the skies started clearing just enough before sunset to display a nice display of colors in the sky near my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered that I shot a couple of frames o I just remembered that I shot a couple of frames of the horizon just after sunset Friday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was the beautiful scene that I saw driving ho This was the beautiful scene that I saw driving home about an hour ago just before sunset. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was right at sunset Wednesday around 7 p.m. T This was right at sunset Wednesday around 7 p.m. This spot is about a mile from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I like it that we’re getting back to the time of I like it that we’re getting back to the time of year when sunsets happen when I’m in a better position to take photos of them. This was a minute or two before sunset Monday evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
The moon looks lovely and bright out here tonight The moon looks lovely and bright out here tonight beneath the bare branches of the winter trees. #nature #naturephotography #sky #birmingham #alabama
It’s been cloudy for much of the day in Birmingh It’s been cloudy for much of the day in Birmingham, but the sunshine’s color was trying to break through the clouds right at sunset. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
It’s been cloudy in Birmingham for much of the d It’s been cloudy in Birmingham for much of the day, but the sun came shining through late Wednesday afternoon just before sunset. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Alex poses in an office window late Friday night. Alex poses in an office window late Friday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
I just got home and Thomas agreed to put up with m I just got home and Thomas agreed to put up with me for a minute or two. But he was quickly done with the indignity of interacting with a mere human. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Alex has decided to stay home and sleep instead of Alex has decided to stay home and sleep instead of going to the office with me this afternoon. I think he’s making a wise decision. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Thomas has the high ground just before midnight as Thomas has the high ground just before midnight as he keeps watch to see when Alex launches his latest attack. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
The grass of the back yard was cut while I was awa The grass of the back yard was cut while I was away this afternoon and Lucy was happy to find a nice, clean lawn to relax on when I arrived home. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
It’s about 2 a.m. and Alex is camped out next to It’s about 2 a.m. and Alex is camped out next to the door between the office and the bedroom. He’s waiting for Thomas to step through the door — and then he pounces at him, starting another round of their late-night chases. They both seem to love it. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I think the only reason Thomas is still awake is t I think the only reason Thomas is still awake is that he’s keeping an eye out for sneak attacks from Alex, which often happen without warning at this time of the night. It’s dangerous around here. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
My feline friends are in their evening spots at ho My feline friends are in their evening spots at home to wait for me to turn the car into the driveway, which is right outside these two windows. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
This is the look that Lucy gave me when I told her This is the look that Lucy gave me when I told her that she had to go back inside so I could leave the house for some more work. I don’t think she was ready. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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