{"id":16966,"date":"2012-10-25T00:00:53","date_gmt":"2012-10-25T05:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidmcelroy.org\/?p=16966"},"modified":"2012-10-24T22:09:26","modified_gmt":"2012-10-25T03:09:26","slug":"dear-donald-trump-want-a-deal-you-can-buy-my-transcripts-cheap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=16966","title":{"rendered":"Dear Donald Trump: Want a deal? You can buy my transcripts cheap"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Dear Donald Trump:<\/p>\n

I was really interested Wednesday afternoon when you made your business proposal<\/a> to Barack Obama — the one in which you offered to buy copies of his college transcripts and passport application for $5 million. I had heard you had a big announcement coming, but I didn’t know it was going to be this big. Or this exciting. Honestly, the possibilities astound me.<\/p>\n

Since I know you’re such a great and successful businessman — we won’t even mention<\/em> those unfortunate bankruptcies<\/a> — I know you always have your eye out for a better deal. And, boy, do I have a deal for you. Since you’re in the market for college transcripts, I just happen to have a very nice set of lightly used transcripts from the University of Alabama that I’d be willing to let you have for less than the $5 million you’re offering to Mr. Obama.<\/p>\n

I know you drive a hard bargain, so I’m going to cut right to the chase. I know that owning a set of my transcripts wouldn’t be quite as prestigious as having a set from a sitting U.S. president, so I’m willing to cut quite a deal. What are you thinking? $4 million? Maybe $3 million? Good gracious, no, sir. I’m willing to take a measly $2 million for my transcripts.<\/p>\n

You’re welcome to publish them or read them at parties or line bird cages with them. For just $2 million, you can do as you like with them.<\/p>\n

Now, you might be wondering why I’m willing to let my transcripts go at a 60 percent discount to what you’ve already offered. Let’s be honest. I just want your money, and I’d like to strike a deal quickly before someone clues you in about how stupid you look about this.<\/p>\n

I’ll admit that there will be a few embarrassing things to explain. I’d rather not talk about that English class from my sophomore year, the one that I meant to drop and kind of forgot about until past the drop date. I didn’t bother to go the entire semester, but I showed up and took the final just on a whim. Who knew they’d give me a D and three hours credit just for that? Nuts, right? But it’s not one of my prouder moments.<\/p>\n

I’d also rather not talk about how the listed major changed pretty much every semester. Journalism, history, political science, television and film, and more. I might have even listed physics one semester. Pretty goofy, huh? At least it’s entertaining reading.<\/p>\n

Despite these minor blemishes on the transcript — well, some of them are more than minor, but we don’t have to talk about that, do we? — I think you’d be proud to own these transcripts. Yes, sir. And imagine being able to brag to everybody at the Club about what a great deal you got.<\/p>\n

Oh, one other thing. When we do the deal, please bring cash. I want the money before you sober up. Or the drugs wear off. Or whatever.<\/p>\n

I hope we can do business. Have your people call my people.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/p>\n

David McElroy<\/p>\n