{"id":23812,"date":"2018-03-06T18:58:21","date_gmt":"2018-03-07T00:58:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidmcelroy.org\/?p=23812"},"modified":"2018-03-06T18:58:21","modified_gmt":"2018-03-07T00:58:21","slug":"when-intense-feelings-turn-numb-something-inside-has-died-for-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=23812","title":{"rendered":"When intense feelings turn numb, something inside has died for me"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I have intense feelings and I don’t have any choice but to share them. That’s just the way I’m wired. I love powerfully. I hurt deeply. I experience joy with open exuberance.<\/p>\n

I don’t hide my feelings well. If you’re paying any attention at all, you know where you stand with me, because I wear my heart on my sleeve.<\/p>\n

But there are times — very rare times — when everything feels numb. When that happens, it means that some part of me — maybe a little part or maybe a big part — has finally died after an extended period of intense pain. It happens without warning, although it’s always predictable in retrospect.<\/p>\n

I went numb today. It feels like walking in a driving rainstorm without an umbrella — and not caring what anybody else thinks.<\/p>\n

This sort of numb calm feels dangerous to me. It feels foreign. It feels wrong. But when the intensity of my emotions has burned so brightly for so long — without relief — the powerful emotional generator inside finally breathes its last and it dies.<\/p>\n

If you know me well and I’m angry with you — or hurt with you — it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to withdraw. It doesn’t mean I’m finished with you. As long as I’m still engaging with you — even if the emotions are scary — it means I haven’t given up on you.<\/p>\n

But if I ever go completely silent and completely numb, it means something has pushed past a breaking point. It means I’ve given up.<\/p>\n

I don’t know why this happened today. I know what it’s about — who it’s about — but nothing specific happened lately related to this person. It was me who changed.<\/p>\n

There’s no warning when a light bulb dies. This is like that. A light bulb burns brightly. There’s rarely a reason to suspect anything is wrong. You come to expect its light and you take it for granted. But in an instant, the filament breaks — and you’re left with darkness.<\/p>\n

I feel as though something broke. I feel as though I simply stopped in my tracks and sat down. The light dimmed. The internal soundtrack died. There’s silence inside that feels eerie.<\/p>\n

I’ll get up from here at some point. Another bulb will take the place of this one that burned out. The internal music will return.<\/p>\n

But for now, there’s nothing but numbness. And darkness and silence. Because something died — and I will grieve that when I’m able to feel again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have intense feelings and I don’t have any choice but to share them. That’s just the way I’m wired. I love powerfully. I hurt deeply. I experience joy with open exuberance. I don’t hide my feelings well. If you’re paying any attention at all, you know where you stand with me, because I wear Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-23812","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-6c4","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23812","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=23812"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23812\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23821,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23812\/revisions\/23821"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=23812"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=23812"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=23812"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}