{"id":27222,"date":"2019-03-07T00:01:33","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T06:01:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidmcelroy.org\/?p=27222"},"modified":"2026-03-17T23:03:31","modified_gmt":"2026-03-18T04:03:31","slug":"need-for-love-drives-odd-behavior-for-me-unfilled-need-makes-me-eat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=27222","title":{"rendered":"Need for love drives behaviors; for me, old needs make me eat"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I am not hungry right now. But I desperately want to eat.<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m a rational man and I understand this pattern. I understand a good bit about human psychology and much more about my own psychology. I’m not stupid. So I know what’s going on.<\/p>\n

For hours now, though, I’ve been fighting the compulsion to eat. There’s nothing in particular I want. It could be a hamburger. It could be some chicken. A hunk of cheese would be fine. Maybe some fries or pizza. It doesn’t matter what it is.<\/p>\n

I’m not the least bit hungry. I’m certain of that. But there’s a gnawing emptiness inside that something in my gut interprets as a craving to be filled. The rational part of me knows food wouldn’t make any difference, but some irrational part of my brain thinks food would make this emptiness go away.<\/p>\n

That child-like core doesn’t listen when I whisper, “No, you’re not hungry. You just need to be loved.”<\/em><\/p>\n

I don’t know how some of us build this odd connection between food and love, but it seems to be common. I’ve talked with others who experience it. I’ve read a lot about it and listened to interviews with experts. I have a tendency to intellectualize everything in my life. If I can understand something, I feel that I can control it.<\/p>\n

But in this case, the conscious part of me understands the process. I’ve been here before. I’ve fought the battle a thousand times. But that needy child inside — that’s what it feels like — can’t listen to reason.<\/p>\n

It’s like having multiple people inside of my brain, each with his own needs and priorities. This conscious part of me is the mature adult in the mix. I understand what’s going on. I try to react rationally. I try explaining to the rest of me what’s happening.<\/p>\n

But this other part of me is like a scared child who feels abandoned. He’s too scared to listen. Or maybe it’s a better analogy to say he’s like a crying baby who doesn’t know what’s missing, so he cries for his mother to take care of him.<\/p>\n

I know enough psychology to suspect a connection between this need and the mother who left me when I was young. It doesn’t take a genius to suspect that connection. I’ve discussed it with a psychologist. All the pieces fit. It makes sense.<\/p>\n

Yet understanding this doesn’t help me. Intellectualizing it doesn’t help this time. Overanalyzing doesn’t somehow give me control. I still feel that this powerful need is stronger than my rational will.<\/p>\n

I’ve been eating really well for some time now. I’ve shed some unwanted pounds — though not enough yet — and I’ve felt healthier by avoiding sugar and most other foods which I know trigger poor eating for me. But even with the need to continue down this path — like an alcoholic who’s stayed away from booze for months — the urge to eat to fill this need is overpowering.<\/p>\n

I know there’s a common link between our unfilled needs when we were young and the patterns we establish with romantic love.<\/p>\n

Someone who didn’t have his mother as a child might put himself into positions in which he again doesn’t have love — in the hopes that he will be rescued in a way that his mother never rescued him.<\/p>\n

Someone who lost a father might put herself into positions in which she’s lost the love she craves and she can’t possibly have that love again — in the hopes that the death might not be final this time.<\/p>\n

There are a million patterns, but those of us who faced some kind of separation — physical or emotional — from the love of a parent we needed can spend much of our lives recreating old traumas in the unconscious hope that our stories might finally have happy endings this time.<\/p>\n

I could look to my past and find dozens of lessons I should learn. I could point to times when I’ve blown chances to have the love I needed and then make connections back to childhood trauma. It’s not difficult — and there are so many interesting theories to consider.<\/p>\n

I’m doing it again. I’m intellectualizing this. That’s what I know how to do. I’m trying to give it rational structure to make it something I can understand. I’m asking you to understand, I suppose. I’m asking you to see the struggle and understand why it happens. My eagerness to be understood and known is part of the whole emptiness and need.<\/p>\n

But beneath my efforts to intellectualize it, there’s only raw and naked need. There’s only a desperate child who still feels the emptiness of loss he wasn’t equipped to understand, because not feeling loved is too much hurt for a child’s heart to process without breaking.<\/p>\n

This need isn’t rational. I know that. But until I find a way to find the love which I so strongly crave, I’ll continue to fight the compulsion to eat food which I’m not hungry for.<\/p>\n

I’m still hungry for real love, but you can’t find that at a late-night drive-through.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am not hungry right now. But I desperately want to eat. I’m a rational man and I understand this pattern. I understand a good bit about human psychology and much more about my own psychology. I’m not stupid. So I know what’s going on. For hours now, though, I’ve been fighting the compulsion to Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-27222","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-754","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27222","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=27222"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27222\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38890,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27222\/revisions\/38890"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=27222"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=27222"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=27222"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}