{"id":29376,"date":"2019-07-02T22:24:09","date_gmt":"2019-07-03T03:24:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=29376"},"modified":"2019-07-02T22:24:09","modified_gmt":"2019-07-03T03:24:09","slug":"the-love-i-crave-seems-beyond-horizon-always-out-of-my-reach","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=29376","title":{"rendered":"The love I crave seems beyond horizon, always out of my reach"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to miss her. I don\u2019t want to think about her. I don\u2018t want to talk about her. I just want the hole in my heart to be filled. I want something else \u2014 someone else, another love, another desire, anything positive \u2014 to fill empty place in my heart.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s a steady drumbeat inside every part of me. It\u2019s as regular as my own heartbeat. It\u2019s a constant companion. No matter what I do, it reminds me.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

She\u2019s the sun beyond the horizon at sunset, casting a powerful and colorful glow on every part of my world \u2014 but completely out of my view, completely out of my reach. She\u2019s as close as the warmth of sun on my skin, but as far away \u2014 and as mysterious and fleeting \u2014 as the changing colors of the reflected sunlight. She\u2019s so near, but so far.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

I try to intellectualize what I feel. I try to be logical. I try to talk my heart out of feeling anything. But my brain can’t talk my heart into obeying. Even when I stifle my feelings and control my thoughts, putting her aside is as foreign as it might be to force myself to stop breathing.<\/p>\n

With every breath, with every heartbeat, with every step I take, there’s another reminder.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

There’s the compulsion to call her again. There’s the longing to hear her voice again. There’s the longing to see her face, to touch her hand, to tell her she is loved, to hold her close.<\/p>\n

It’s like being naked and vulnerable in public. It’s like feeling starvation for something to eat. It’s like needing the taste of clean water. It’s like a need that can’t be filled by anything else.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

Everything about it makes me feel crazy. It makes me willing to cross deserts or slay dragons or destroy the armies of her enemies. It pushes primal buttons that have no specific relevance in modern life.<\/p>\n

Men have always been driven to do great things — or crazy things — for the love of a woman.\u00a0Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships. Men have killed others and fought wars and abandoned all they had built for themselves. Love makes men crazy.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n

I want to reach out beyond the horizon and touch her face. I want to speak of love and to hear her voice. I want to hear her tell me she loves me again. I want her to hear my voice. I want her to know all the things my heart longs to say.<\/p>\n

I want all that I can’t have. It seems so close every day. I can see it just beyond my horizon. I expect the light to break through and shine on me again. But I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it.<\/p>\n

There’s nothing for me to do. There’s nothing for me to say. But in the grips of a powerful love that won’t die and won’t go away — but won’t return and won’t stay — I keep falling into this dark and empty hole. Because she’s so close I can feel her spirit, but because she’s so far, I can’t touch her.<\/p>\n

She’s so near, but so far.<\/p>\n

My heart sighs and hurts. My brain runs like a locomotive out of control. My pulse pounds like a jackhammer, harder and faster. Again.<\/p>\n

I miss her.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I miss her. I don\u2019t want to miss her. I don\u2019t want to think about her. I don\u2018t want to talk about her. I just want the hole in my heart to be filled. I want something else \u2014 someone else, another love, another desire, anything positive \u2014 to fill empty place in my heart. Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[629,247,580,263],"class_list":["post-29376","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-uncategorized","tag-longing","tag-love","tag-pain","tag-psychology","entry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-7DO","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29376","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29376"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29376\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29389,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29376\/revisions\/29389"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29376"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29376"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29376"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}