{"id":29997,"date":"2019-08-24T22:05:58","date_gmt":"2019-08-25T03:05:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=29997"},"modified":"2019-08-24T22:27:35","modified_gmt":"2019-08-25T03:27:35","slug":"i-lost-my-way-that-night-and-it-seems-i-never-found-my-way-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=29997","title":{"rendered":"I lost my way that night \u2014 and it seems I never found my way back"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It was around 4 in the morning. My head was spinning and I was confused. I didn\u2019t recognize anything around me as I drove these dark residential streets. I was trying to get home, but I was lost.<\/p>\n

It’s been 11 years, but the emotions and the confusion are still crystal clear. It had been easy to get to the place where I had met this woman to talk, but when I finally left \u2014 eight or nine hours later \u2014 I mistakenly started down the wrong road and became dreadfully lost.<\/p>\n

I have no idea why that confusing night is on my mind right now. An hour or so ago, I noticed a horrible ball of emotions in the pit of my stomach. Before I knew it, I was seeing fragmentary images from that night \u2014 and I was feeling those terrible emotions.<\/p>\n

Fear. Guilt. Shame. Loneliness. Confusion.<\/em><\/p>\n

Getting lost that night as I left is deeply symbolic of what I did to myself that weekend. I came on a straight and clear road to meet someone that night, but I made a wrong turn and got lost. In some ways, I\u2019ve been lost ever since.<\/p>\n

I was meeting a woman that night to break the news that I was going to marry someone else. I had dated her in the past, but I had broken things off with her to date the other woman. She had promised to wait for me to come back to her. Even though I knew she was wrong for me, it felt good to be wanted by both of them.<\/p>\n

I was happy with the other woman. She was brilliant, funny, curious, competent and attractive. She made me feel alive in ways that the woman I met that night never could. When we agreed to marry, I felt happy, even though I still had some doubts.<\/p>\n

All I had to do was break the news to the woman who had been waiting and hoping.<\/p>\n

I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they want from me, and that’s the way I felt that night. She begged and pleaded and cried. She asked me to give her another chance. She couldn’t give up — and I couldn’t just firmly tell her the decision was made and leave her behind.<\/p>\n

I didn’t love her. I wasn’t going to love her. But I couldn’t bring myself to do what I needed to do and let her just get over it in time.<\/p>\n

I made the worst possible decision. I backed out of marrying the other woman. I hurt her badly. She waited for me for awhile and then gave up. The woman who had begged for another chance eventually realized she would never really have my heart — and she gave up.<\/p>\n

Because I tried to sit on the fence and avoid the decision, I lost the woman who could have been a perfect match — and I also lost the other choice, too.<\/p>\n

These emotions I’m feeling tonight aren’t about either of these women. Each one married someone else in time. I assume each one of them is happy. I haven’t spoken to either of them in a long time.<\/p>\n

But I can’t get over the wrenching realization that I blew up my future by my unwillingness to do what I knew I needed to do.<\/p>\n

I eventually got home that night, but it was a confusing trip through neighborhoods which felt utterly unfamiliar. I felt lost and alone and confused.<\/p>\n

I feel as though I’ve been on that lost and confused journey for 11 years now. It’s as though I made a wrong turn that night and I’ve never made it home. I feel as though I’m a lonely soul traveling alone through unfamiliar territory and there’s nobody around.<\/p>\n

There was one year — about six months of that year — when I thought I had found my way out of the confusing fog. Maybe it was just the mirage of a lost traveler who sees what he needs to see. For that short time, I felt as though everything made sense. I was back on a straight and clear road.<\/p>\n

But then I was in darkness again.<\/p>\n

We build our own prisons. I didn’t know it then, but by refusing to accept the love I was offered — by someone I loved at the time — I started building my own prison. I hurt her and then I ultimately hurt myself. And I’ve been in this lonely and solitary prison ever since.<\/p>\n

My emotions tonight aren’t about either of those women. They’re about a variety of things.<\/p>\n

Regret. Loneliness. Hurt. Need. And fear.<\/em><\/p>\n

I fear I’m stuck on this lonely road. I fear I’ll never find my way. And I fear I’ll never have the love I need. I fear I will spend the remaining decades of my life wondering why I got myself lost that weekend.<\/p>\n

We all pay a terrible price for some decisions we make. For 11 years, I’ve paid a terrible price for what I did (and didn’t do) that weekend.<\/p>\n

I’m still lost in that confusion — and I see no end in sight to the nightmare I started with that wrong turn.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It was around 4 in the morning. My head was spinning and I was confused. I didn\u2019t recognize anything around me as I drove these dark residential streets. I was trying to get home, but I was lost. It’s been 11 years, but the emotions and the confusion are still crystal clear. It had been Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[250,642,457,247,246,538],"class_list":{"0":"post-29997","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"tag-choices","8":"tag-decisions","9":"tag-emotions","10":"tag-love","11":"tag-marriage","12":"tag-memories","13":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-7NP","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29997","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29997"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29997\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":30008,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29997\/revisions\/30008"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29997"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29997"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29997"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}