{"id":34549,"date":"2021-07-08T22:09:38","date_gmt":"2021-07-09T03:09:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=34549"},"modified":"2021-07-08T22:09:38","modified_gmt":"2021-07-09T03:09:38","slug":"against-all-rational-choice-of-will-an-old-hunger-in-my-heart-returns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=34549","title":{"rendered":"Against all rational choice of will, an old hunger in my heart returns"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I feel the beating of my heart in a terrible way tonight.<\/p>\n

This hasn\u2019t happened for awhile. I don\u2019t remember when the madness last showed up. But the physical beating of my heart seems loud. It\u2019s as though something powerful were contained within the walls of my heart \u2014 thrashing around, trying to break out, ready to explode.<\/p>\n

For weeks now \u2014 maybe months \u2014 I\u2019ve been so firm. So logical. So focused. And then this insane compulsion suddenly returned in a form that threatens to overwhelm me. Again.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a heart attack. At least not the physical kind. It\u2019s something different. An inner attack which is emotional rather than physical. But in some ways it seems even more dangerous than a heart attack.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t possibly still have love for her. That wouldn\u2019t make any sense. She doesn\u2019t love me. And it\u2019s been years. It shouldn\u2019t matter. And yet this obsession \u2014 this need, this hunger, this longing \u2014 returns against my will and leaves me feeling powerless to stop the overwhelming tides which rush over me.<\/p>\n

Romantic love is a peculiar form of insanity, but it can be emotional salvation as well. When it forces its way into your heart, it\u2019s impossible to say whether it\u2019s a path that leads to heaven or to hell.\u00a0Even when it saves us, though, it\u2019s still irrational.<\/p>\n

And even though I want \u2014 with all of my being \u2014 to hate this irrational feeling, I know very well how much I need it.<\/p>\n

None of this is a new thought for me. I’ve gone through periods when I felt compelled to write about it frequently. Here’s a random example<\/a> from a few years ago, when I said that love is part obsession, part reality and part madness. (I just read that again. It’s all still true tonight.)<\/p>\n

Love and madness are remarkably similar \u2014 and it seems that it\u2019s hard to find intense love without a corresponding bit of madness to go along with it. A touch of insanity might seem like a high price to pay for experiencing the intensity of love, but if they have to go hand in hand \u2014 and I think they do \u2014 I\u2019d rather deal with some bit of madness and feel intense love than to live in complete sober sanity and fail to experience the loving connection with another person that makes me feel more alive than anything else.<\/p>\n

I wrote something many years ago — which I can’t find right now — that touches on the experience of walking the line between sanity and madness. For a long time, I\u2019ve seen myself as someone who lives on a razor-thin line that runs between the two.<\/p>\n

If I’m too far on the side of sober sanity, I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel the intensity of love, creativity, beauty and truth which I crave. I know not to go too far toward the madness, though, because I know it would destroy me.<\/p>\n

For months, I’ve been completely on the side of sober sanity. Too far, in fact.\u00a0Tonight, something has pulled me back to the very edge of that powerful and scary line. I don’t know how. I don’t want to go too far, but I also don’t want to pull back to the safety of numbness.<\/p>\n

I know this line represents where my best life is. I know that walking this thin line is where I’m happiest and most productive and most creative. I know all of that — in both my head and my heart.<\/p>\n

But while this crazy beating in my chest seems to bang out a tempo that the whole world should be able to hear, I also know it’s a line I can’t walk alone. Not forever.<\/p>\n

It’s sheer madness that\u2019s brought me to this point again. I didn’t see it coming. But I’m back out here on this razor-thin edge one more time — and I’m waiting for the right soul to join me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I feel the beating of my heart in a terrible way tonight. This hasn\u2019t happened for awhile. I don\u2019t remember when the madness last showed up. But the physical beating of my heart seems loud. It\u2019s as though something powerful were contained within the walls of my heart \u2014 thrashing around, trying to break out, Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-34549","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-8Zf","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34549","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=34549"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34549\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34555,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34549\/revisions\/34555"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=34549"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=34549"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=34549"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}