{"id":38940,"date":"2026-03-26T23:04:36","date_gmt":"2026-03-27T04:04:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=38940"},"modified":"2026-04-01T03:02:28","modified_gmt":"2026-04-01T08:02:28","slug":"is-it-just-coincidence-that-my-surgeries-come-when-im-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=38940","title":{"rendered":"Is it just coincidence that my surgeries come when I\u2019m alone?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Twelve hours ago, I was lying on a hospital bed with an IV in my arm, waiting to be wheeled into surgery.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t worried about dying. But I felt completely alone.<\/p>\n

I was just having a hernia repaired, so I wasn\u2019t in serious danger. Until I had a sudden abdominal obstruction late last December, I had no idea the problem was even there. Doctors told me at the time that I was fortunate that the intestine which poked through the hernia hadn\u2019t been damaged, which would have caused serious surgery.<\/p>\n

Even though it wasn\u2019t considered serious, I was nervous. I\u2019m not fond of being knocked out and cut on. An old friend who I\u2019ve known since high school was kind enough to pick me up early Thursday morning and take me to the hospital. She sat there with me and talked as I was being prepped.<\/p>\n

But as much as I appreciated her concern and help, I couldn\u2019t help feeling very alone. I\u2019ve had surgery only three times in my life \u2014 all in the last 15 years \u2014 and each time I\u2019ve had one of these emergencies, it\u2019s been a time when I\u2019ve been alone in life.<\/p>\n

As I laid there this morning having an IV inserted and having various equipment attached, I couldn\u2019t help but wonder if there was something symbolic about that. Was it just a coincidence that each of my medical emergencies have happened when I\u2019ve been alone?<\/p>\n

When I developed breast cancer in 2012 \u2014 something rare enough in men that it caught me completely off guard \u2014 and had to have a small lump removed<\/a>, I was alone. If it had happened a couple of years before that, I would have had a loving woman there taking care of me.<\/p>\n

Then when I had my gallbladder removed<\/a> in 2018 \u2014 in surgery that turned out to be life-threatening \u2014 I was alone then, too. I drove myself to an emergency room that night and was alone at the hospital as I recovered, other than a few friends who were caring enough to visit.<\/p>\n

And here I was again being prepped for surgery. A little scared. A lot alone.<\/p>\n

I’m not complaining that the world is terrible and whining that nobody loves me. That’s really not the point. It’s just that being by myself through such an experience is a powerful reminder that I\u2019m alone and need companionship and love from the right woman.<\/p>\n

I’ve been loved and cared for at times, of course. I was married once — to a woman who I still consider a remarkable and loving woman. Outside of that, I’ve been engaged to be married twice, both times to women who I hold in high regard. I’ve been loved and wanted. I can’t complain that I haven’t known love.<\/p>\n

But I do see a pattern. Maybe it’s not statistically significant. Maybe it’s just coincidence. When I’ve had emergencies during which I would have liked to have love and support from a partner, there was nobody there. And I’m wondering whether the stress and unhappiness of being alone have contributed to my medical problems.<\/p>\n

There are plenty of studies which show that those with loving partners have better health outcomes. That doesn’t mean that those with loving husbands and wives can’t suffer horrible problems, but it does suggest there’s a statistical likelihood that you’re going to have better health if you love someone — and if someone loves you.<\/p>\n

I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person, but I’d much rather have a partner who matches me. Unfortunately, my values and personality and interests rarely line up with a woman who might be right for me.<\/p>\n

In a podcast interview that I heard this week, Dr. Arthur C. Brooks said something I haven’t been able to get out of my mind. Brooks is a Harvard professor who researches what makes people happy.<\/p>\n

He said that nothing matters more to happiness than having a loving partner \u2014 and that if you\u2019re 80 percent sure about someone, you should take the chance and commit to working out the other 20 percent.<\/p>\n

I once walked away when I was 99.5 percent sure.<\/p>\n

When I backed out of marrying someone about 15 years ago, I was 99.5 percent sure that she was right for me. I let that half a percentage point \u2014 my lack of certainty \u2014 make me back out. That was a mistake.<\/p>\n

She went off in another direction, so this isn’t a matter of longing for someone in my past. It’s simply about learning the lesson that we can never have certainty. I gave up what I believe would have been a happy marriage — and I put myself on a path that hasn’t led me to anybody who even meets the 80 percent measure.<\/p>\n

Maybe I would’ve had breast cancer in 2012 even if I had been married and happy. Maybe my gallbladder would have been so diseased that it would’ve come close to killing me in 2018. And maybe I would’ve had the same hernia surgery today even if I’d had a loving wife.<\/p>\n

But I really do wonder if it’s a coincidence.<\/p>\n

I know I should just be grateful that my health has generally been good. I should be thankful that I’ve had friends during these emergencies who have been willing to step in and help. And I really am grateful for those things.<\/p>\n

But I also know that I need the right love and the right partner.<\/p>\n

Everything went perfectly at the hospital today \u2014 and recovery has been smooth so far \u2014 but I still had to face it alone. That’s not the way I want my life to be.<\/p>\n

Note:<\/strong> You can find a video version of this article on YouTube. Click here.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Twelve hours ago, I was lying on a hospital bed with an IV in my arm, waiting to be wheeled into surgery. I wasn\u2019t worried about dying. But I felt completely alone. I was just having a hernia repaired, so I wasn\u2019t in serious danger. Until I had a sudden abdominal obstruction late last December, Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-38940","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-a84","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38940","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38940"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38940\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39008,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38940\/revisions\/39008"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38940"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38940"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38940"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}