{"id":39268,"date":"2026-04-28T23:35:57","date_gmt":"2026-04-29T04:35:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=39268"},"modified":"2026-04-28T23:35:57","modified_gmt":"2026-04-29T04:35:57","slug":"my-pride-and-insecurity-make-it-difficult-for-me-to-live-in-humility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=39268","title":{"rendered":"My pride and insecurity make it difficult for me to live in humility"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The most painful battles I fight are with myself.<\/p>\n

I have occasional conflicts with other people, of course, but those are easier to resolve or to ignore. I have to live with myself all the time. I have to live with the person I\u2019ve decided to become today, but I also have to live with various versions of myself from the past. And those differing versions of me can often fight each other for control.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided not to be argumentative and angry with other people online. It\u2019s been a conscious decision not to live that way anymore, even though I used to have vicious verbal battles with others, on social media and on message boards before that.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve learned that this sort of vicious argument doesn\u2019t help anyone. I\u2019ve learned that acting in those ways often makes me ignore my own values. And I\u2019ve learned that the toxicity I can spew in one of those battles hurts me more than it hurts the person at whom the words are directed.<\/p>\n

But when I feel attacked by someone \u2014 as I do tonight \u2014 I want to strike back. I have a foolish need to defend my pride. And I can be insecure enough to believe I need to strike back \u2014 or else other people won\u2019t think I\u2019m able to prove myself right.<\/p>\n

Part of me knows that I need to walk away from such attacks, but another part of me \u2014 the person who still thinks and feels the way I used to \u2014 is eager to strike back in self-righteous anger.<\/p>\n

The toxic inner battle between these parts of me \u2014 the person I\u2019ve chosen to be and the person I used to be \u2014 leaves me feeling painful inner conflict about who I really am.<\/p>\n

For better or worse, I see my inner contradictions. I know I’m no better than anyone else. And I know that I have only two choices. I can keep fighting for the values I claim for myself \u2014 or I can betray my values and once again become the person I\u2019ve decided I don\u2019t want to be.<\/p>\n

I don’t want to live that way anymore, although I used to be really good at it. Today, I just want to present the things that I believe are important and true \u2014 and let people accept them or not accept them.<\/p>\n

I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to hurt anyone or feel the need to justify myself.<\/p>\n

I don’t mind clarifying or explaining for those who don’t understand me and who would like to understand what I mean. But I have no patience with the sort of people who simply strike out in an unthinking way to make others look bad.<\/p>\n

I’m struggling with this again tonight because someone attacked something I said online and I want to lash out at him.<\/p>\n

I want to call him stupid. I want to point out that he ignored the plain meaning of what I said. I want to puncture his arrogance and show him that I’m smarter and more clever and morally superior. I want to show him — and anybody who’s watching the comments — that I’m right and he’s wrong. I want him to know he’s been beaten.<\/p>\n

But I know that’s not who I am anymore.<\/p>\n

I also know that this hateful and vicious and prideful part of me still lives inside. It’s still lurking beneath the surface, eager to come back out and do battle once again.<\/p>\n

I can’t have it both ways. So the inner battle rages.<\/p>\n

Most days, it’s relatively easy to live my values in this regard. To walk away from arguments which aren’t worth having. But every now and then, my pride and insecurity tell my humility to take a seat and let them do the fighting.<\/p>\n

Today is one of those days.<\/p>\n

I have to keep reminding myself that my real values are the ones I live out, not just the ones I claim in the abstract when the going is easy.<\/p>\n

I’m not the man I want to be. Not yet. I know I’ll still be striving to become a better man on the day I die. And I know that every time I live my values instead of giving in to my old passions, I’m a little closer to being the man I want to be.<\/p>\n

And the man I want to be is secure enough and loving enough to turn the other cheek and walk away in peace \u2014 not because I\u2019m smarter or morally superior, but because it\u2019s who I choose to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The most painful battles I fight are with myself. I have occasional conflicts with other people, of course, but those are easier to resolve or to ignore. I have to live with myself all the time. I have to live with the person I\u2019ve decided to become today, but I also have to live with Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-39268","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-adm","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39268","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39268"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39268\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39279,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39268\/revisions\/39279"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39268"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39268"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39268"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}