{"id":40610,"date":"2026-09-12T02:08:22","date_gmt":"2026-09-12T07:08:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=40610"},"modified":"2026-09-12T02:08:22","modified_gmt":"2026-09-12T07:08:22","slug":"if-i-ever-get-to-heaven-itll-be-mercy-not-justice-thats-served","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/?p=40610","title":{"rendered":"If I ever get to heaven, it\u2019ll be mercy, not justice, that\u2019s served"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The mention of the man she hates triggered a strong verbal outburst from my friend Friday night.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish he would die!\u201d she said with conviction. \u201cYou might think that sounds bad, but that\u2019s what he deserves!\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing had really happened. I had merely mentioned having seen this man who she now hates. I knew she had vitriol for him, but I guess I hadn\u2019t quite seen how deep her hatred went. She had more to say \u2014 and her diatribe was peppered with strong profanity \u2014 so I just listened.<\/p>\n

As I drove home a few minutes after midnight, I felt a dull ache in my heart over what I had heard. I wasn\u2019t angry at my friend for her anger and hatred. I wasn\u2019t even judging her, because there was no way of judging her without judging some past versions of myself as well.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t that I\u2019ve had this sort of angry outburst of personal hatred before. It wasn\u2019t that I\u2019ve used this kind of strong language to wish the very worst on someone. Those things aren\u2019t my style. I\u2019m more devious. More deceitful.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m better at hiding the hate in my heart, but I\u2019m no different.<\/p>\n

I can remember secretly wishing for terrible things to happen in the life of someone who had hurt me.<\/p>\n

I can remember wanting to somehow hurt someone else who had hurt me very badly. I wasn’t willing to admit how I felt to anyone. I didn’t want to physically hurt her. But I wanted her to feel the pain she had inflicted on me.<\/p>\n

I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know these thoughts, of course. I’m not like my friend. I’m more like the kind of person who might smile at you benignly and wish you could feel the pain I think you deserve.<\/p>\n

Who’s better? My friend or me? I’d say it doesn’t make much difference.<\/p>\n

I can justify the things I’ve felt in the past. I can justify the unloving thoughts I still have about people today. But what I can’t do is pretend that it doesn’t hurt me inside just as much as my friend’s overt bitterness hurts her.<\/p>\n

By the outward standards of the world, I would be considered a good person. And by the standards of the world, my friend’s hatred for this man would be considered acceptable. She has a list of grievances against him \u2014 and isn’t that enough to have a right to feel this sort of vitriol?<\/p>\n

When I look back on bad things I’ve passively wished on other people, I’d have to say those thoughts have hurt me far more than they could conceivably hurt the other people.<\/p>\n

Those nasty thoughts and evil wishes have made my heart bitter and resentful at times. They might have given me some momentary relief to feel as though my thoughts were really sticking it to the person with whom I was angry.<\/p>\n

But I really think I’ve only hurt myself.<\/p>\n

I wish I could say that I considered myself a good person. I genuinely want to be good. I genuinely want to be loving. I want my heart to be pure and clean of this sort of horrible thing.<\/p>\n

But I’m not a good person. Not all the time.<\/p>\n

Here’s the thing. I pray that I never get what I deserve. I keep thinking about my friend’s angry words tonight about how much that man deserves something terrible to happen to him. She might even be right. I’m not the one to say.<\/p>\n

The only thing I can say for sure is that I don’t want what I deserve, because I’m not a good enough person. I can’t be. I don’t know how. My heart isn’t pure enough. My brain isn’t kind enough.<\/p>\n

When I think about the things I’ve done in my life \u2014 and the hate I\u2019ve sometimes hidden in my heart \u2014 I realize how desperately I’m counting on mercy, not justice.<\/p>\n

I believe that my calling as a human being is about love and mercy, not about judgment and justice. I\u2019m not always good at fulfilling what I\u2019m called to do and be, but at least I\u2019m clear what the objective is.<\/p>\n

There have been times in the past when I thought I should judge myself by what I looked like to others, but I understand clearly that my creator sees what’s in my heart.<\/p>\n

And it’s his mercy and grace that I’m counting on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The mention of the man she hates triggered a strong verbal outburst from my friend Friday night. \u201cI wish he would die!\u201d she said with conviction. \u201cYou might think that sounds bad, but that\u2019s what he deserves!\u201d Nothing had really happened. I had merely mentioned having seen this man who she now hates. I knew Keep Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40610","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-uncategorized","entry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1x9iR-az0","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40610","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40610"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40610\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40615,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40610\/revisions\/40615"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40610"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40610"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidmcelroy.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40610"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}