Briefly

Why do we do negative things which we don’t want to do? Why do we repeat patterns in our lives that we desperately want to break? Psychologist Erin Leonard says it’s because we have an unconscious tendency to engage in “reenactments” of things from our past. Writing for Psychology Today, Leonard says we’re unconsciously drawn to things that are familiar. This leaves us engaging in relationships — over and over — with people who have characteristics which we consciously want to avoid, but which mirror something from our past relationships. We’re drawn to people and situations that allow us to relive things from our past. I’ve seen this in my own life and I suspect it’s because we’re trying — without realizing it — to relive a particular dynamic in a way that we believe will allow us to have a different outcome than the one from the past. But that normally just means choosing the same sort of person — someone who will hurt us or abandon us or abuse us. We believe we are making rational, conscious decisions for ourselves, but we’re often simply following an old script. Breaking free is difficult, and it requires a lot of courage to change.

I would rather be self-employed and make $50,000 a year than to work for someone whose approval I need and make $250,000 a year. My father’s childhood programming comes back to bite me any time I experience even the mildest disapproval from an authority figure to whom I’m obligated. My snap reaction is always to want to lash out at the person whose disapproval of something stings, but when I can be dispassionate about it, I realize that the problem is in me. I simply can’t handle tiny instances of disapproval, because my old programming says I am a complete failure who deserves punishment if I don’t make an authority figure completely happy with me at all times. It’s exhausting and depressing. Be careful about how you teach your children, because your efforts to get perfect compliance might do long-term damage that you’ll never see.

After a friend hadn’t been able to contact 55-year-old Roger Perkins for days, the friend finally asked police to check on him. Inside Perkins’ home — which is about a mile from where I live in Leeds, Ala. — they found him dead, apparently from natural causes. He was last known to be alive sometime in March. The coroner’s office is seeking family members to whom his body can be released. Stories such as this one are chilling to me, because I also live alone and have no family. The fact that this story is about someone who lived so close to me makes it seem especially real. I just wonder if his outcome might have been different if he had lived with someone who could have called for help. Nobody needs to die alone — and I’m not so sure that living alone is such a good idea. Everybody needs to be with someone who loves him.