Briefly

When I was younger, I cared a lot about other people thinking I was impressive. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. I had already started making inner changes before I saw her talk in 2012, but watching Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation about vulnerability was a profound turning point for me (I wrote about this in 2012.) A friend shared a link today which reinforced the idea that it’s far more important to be authentic than it is to be “impressive.” That would have made me nervous 10 years ago, but I’m able to live it now. I’ve made a conscious effort to unmask myself as much as is reasonably possible and that has had one positive effect I didn’t anticipate. Since my father was a narcissist, I’m vulnerable to falling into some of his patterns if I’m not careful. But being very open about such fears about my failings helps inoculate me against doing that, because it’s hard to have a sense of grandiosity if you’re vulnerable about your faults and struggles. Being authentic, open and honest with each other can be transformative. It can save your soul.

Molly woke up suddenly Tuesday morning and realized that I was close to her. She was instantly in what I call “feral mode.” She was afraid she might be in danger, despite the fact she’s been safe and well-fed in my home for 11 years. I caught this photo of her worried expression and posted it on social media. One of my friends who has a deep personal interest in the effects of abuse on humans had a reaction similar to what I’ve thought: “I wonder if that response is similar to the heightened state of alert that people with [a history of abuse] experience,” he wrote. I see a strong similarity between feral animals and abused people. Both can heal and change, but it takes time — and it requires us to be patient. After Molly’s last daughter died a couple of weeks ago, she spent nearly a week letting me touch her, which was unprecedented. She’s pulled away again, but the progress made my heart happy. It takes a long time to earn trust. If a feral animal or human with a history of abuse ever really trusts you, you’re being given a great honor. (I wrote something longer about this three years ago.)

I had something I wanted to write about tonight, but as I tried to write it, I realized this is something I need to talk about instead. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s too personal. It’s hard to say. I decided about 90 minutes ago to record video instead of writing it, but I am finding every excuse in the world to put it off. I don’t look good enough to do video tonight. I’m tired. I need sleep. I ought to shave first. Maybe I should wait until next week. Or next month. Whatever. I’m good at delaying what I ought to do. I’ve been needing to do more video — and this is something I want to talk about with you directly — so I need to force myself to follow through. So if I haven’t posted a video in the next 24 hours or so, how about asking me where it is? Light a fire under me. I need somebody to hold me accountable. (Well, about a lot of things.) Call or email me, but don’t let me off the hook. Please?