David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

David McElroy

Watching a friend’s happy family makes me feel pangs of jealousy

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The feeling crept up on me so gradually that I didn’t see it coming, but I’ve realized lately that I’m envious of my friend’s happy family.

It’s not a negative thing. I don’t resent what he has. In fact, I get a warm feeling of happiness about what they are. I’m just ready to have the same sort of happy family, too.

My friend mentioned to me this week that they’re all — parents and two children — about to go on vacation together for a couple of weeks. In an email this afternoon, I told him what I’d been thinking.

“I’m envious that you guys are going on a nice vacation together, but I’m even more envious of you having a great family to spend the time with,” I wrote. “At this point in my life, I’m painfully aware of how much I dislike not having a family. It’s funny how so many of our regrets in life are based on specific decisions we wish we had made differently.”

And then I told him about a dream I had a couple of weeks ago.

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No matter how admired you are, your work won’t make you special

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I’ve always wanted to be special. Haven’t you?

I was 5 years old when I became aware of this, but I was too emotionally immature to understand what I was feeling. I was outside the front of our house in Atlanta when a sudden thought struck me.

“I’m 5 years old and there are five of us in the family,” I said to myself in wonder. “That must mean I’m special.”

To an adult mind, that thought is nonsense. The coincidence was meaningless. But to a 5 year old who’s unconsciously struggling to feel special, it was something to hold onto. For that moment, it meant everything to me.

When we first reach self-awareness as tiny toddlers, the world revolves around us. All we experience are our needs and we know that the demands of our needs are met by other people. We don’t consciously understand that, but something in us gets it. We are special. We are the king or queen of the world for the moment.

You don’t remember it, but you felt that way. So did I. And we have spent our entire lives unconsciously trying to recover that wonderful moment when the world revolved around us — when we were special.

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Briefly: Your kids will remember your praise longer than you think

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Do you remember the first time in your life when you thought you might have some talent? When I was a young child, I did a crayon drawing in school of the Mayflower, similar to this drawing. It was the best art I had done, but it wasn’t really remarkable. My father didn’t pay attention, but my mother did. She didn’t live with us by then, but I showed it to her on a visit. She loved it and told me how well I had done. I was happy with the praise and she wanted to keep the drawing. The next time I was at her house, I saw my drawing on the wall — in a nice, professional frame. She had been proud of me. She wanted me to know that and she wanted visitors to her home to know that, which made me feel special. Children can tell when you give them false praise, but remember to give them sincere praise when they deserve it. Your child might still have a warm feeling in his or her heart decades later — as I do when I think about my mother’s pride in me.

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