‘Vote iPhone in 2012’: Let’s bring democracy to the phone world

By David McElroy · August 1, 2011

The problems we face in 2012 are serious. Our children are counting on us to make the right choice for everyone. Yes, my friends, it can only mean one thing. Vote iPhone in 2012.

Many people remember the “bad old days” when we all chose our own phones. It was an inefficient world of competing brands and models — which just confused everyone. In these more enlightened times, we understand that it’s more efficient and fair for everyone to buy the same model. Even though we’re not seeing the predicted cost efficiencies so far, we’re confident that it’s just a matter of time before costs come down. Obviously, prices would have gone even higher if the Phone Unification Act hadn’t passed. This has been a godsend for the consumer.

There are still some selfish people who claim they should be able to buy what they want, without caring what their neighbors and fellow countrymen want. Thankfully, those self-styled individualists are dying out, probably because they’re too selfish to get anyone else to put up with them. Most people now understand that standardizing on one model is the only fair way.

Even though the big corporations pretend that they’re all on board with the plan now, we all know that they’re still trying to subvert the rules for their own self-interest. Nokia and RIM didn’t like being excluded from the elections, of course, but it’s only fair that we just use good ol’ American technology.

Here’s a breakdown of the election for 2012, as best as I can tell. Apple has nominated the iPhone again and is obviously one of the two frontrunners. It’s more complicated for the Android Party, but it always is for this fractious bunch. With Google’s guidance, they just held their convention and chose a Samsung Galaxy model to represent them. (HTC finished second and won the backup role in case something happens to Samsung. Motorola threatened to make a third-party bid, but nobody believes it can work.)

Microsoft is playing its traditional role as third-party spoiler in this election. Its Windows Phone has no chance of winning, but might peel off enough votes to hurt one of the frontrunners. (Nokia says it will make Microsoft’s hardware in the event of a Windows Phone win, but nobody takes that seriously.)

Patriotic people around the country are getting excited as we get closer to the election. I don’t have to tell you how hard the incumbent is working to protect his position or how hard the opposition is working. (Microsoft employees have been traveling the country trying to get signatures to get ballot access in as many states as possible. Really pathetic, if you ask me.)

Anyway, I’m supporting iPhone again. I’m a big fan of Apple’s user interface and app ecosystem, so I’m campaigning hard. But since I’m a patriotic American, I’ll honor and support the result of the election, no matter what it is. I’d hate to have to switch to Android, but if that’s what the majority want, it’s just the right thing to do, isn’t it?

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It turns out that the radical far left has been training “Antifa cats” to sabotage anything important to Donald Trump. Everything he did was perfect. Honest. It was all the cats’ fault. Arrest all the cats! This is the latest of my ridiculous satirical shorts. Please go watch it. Then “like” it and subscribe. Please. I’m begging you. (Too much?) Although a couple of the previous videos have had views in the hundreds, most have still been seen by fewer than 20 people. So I seem to be having trouble letting people know that page exists.

Here’s the latest of my ridiculous parody shorts. It crossed my mind Tuesday to wonder what a slick and fast-talking car dealer might do right now to try to turn the high price of gasoline to his advantage. So I conceived of a fat and lovable character who tried to sell cars that don’t use any fuel — and then I started wondering if it would be funnier if all the characters were felines. Designing the King Cashpaw character took about four hours, but the rest took only another four hours, so this was a relatively quick piece that virtually wrote itself. I know it’s almost impossible for these parody videos to find a larger audience, but at least they amuse me — and there are 19 of them on my YouTube page now. The first few were very limited, but they’re getting more complex.

The Republican Party is dead. It still exists in name, of course, but it’s nothing but a shell. All that’s left are idiots and stooges and con men of the MAGA party. When Donald Trump is gone — which won’t be long — those populist idiots and pragmatic fools will have no one to follow. Democrats will thrive. They will take more power than ever and they will push the federal government further to the radical far left than ever. When that happens, don’t just blame Trump if you’re a conservative. Blame every person who has claimed to be a conservative and has given up on principles, character and everything else that Republicans once claimed to stand for. As someone who worked as a GOP political consultant for many years, this is disgusting and disturbing to me. Those who have enabled Trump to have almost unchecked power are going to be shocked when they see what they will unleash in the long run. It’s been plain all along what this narcissistic con man is. It’s your fault that you chose to pretend not to see what he really is.

We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

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