• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to secondary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

  • About
  • Podcasts

Our choices determine whether we die alone or surrounded by love

By David McElroy · January 27, 2014

Emergency vehicles

A couple of months ago, Thanksgiving day started out with some unexpected drama on my street. At about 12:30 a.m., I heard emergency vehicles screaming down the street. They stopped right next door to my house. I had no idea at the time that a man was dying just a few feet away from me.

As I watched, emergency crews went in and out of the house for at least half an hour, hurrying to get things from their vehicles. I took pictures of the bright red scene — as you see above — but I never knew what was going on. I finally went back inside and the trucks and ambulances left. I assumed someone might have been taken to a hospital. Maybe it was a fall. Or a heart attack. I just didn’t know.

It wasn’t until the next afternoon that I talked with another neighbor who told me what happened. I don’t know the woman who lives in the place where the emergency crews were working. I’ve seen her a few times, but we’ve never talked. I just knew she lived alone with her young daughter, who I’ve spoken to briefly a few times

What I didn’t know is that the woman’s brother had come to stay with them. I don’t know how long he had been there or why he had come, but it was apparently more than just a brief visit. Even if I had known he was there, though, I would have had no way to know that he was dying of a heroin overdose that night.

What is it that leads an otherwise healthy adult — well into the middle part of his life — to move in with his sister and then die alone from a self-induced drug overdose? What choices had he made that brought him to that place?

About a month later, I saw a story in the local newspaper about a 35-year-old homeless woman who was found dead. According to the story, “Christina Louise Dyer, 35, was found in the 2600 block of Green Springs Highway about 7:30 a.m. [two days before Christmas]. Dyer, from Evansville, Ind., had been in Alabama for several years. She was homeless and lived in the woods behind the Salvation Army Thrift Store, an area frequented by other homeless persons.”

How did a 35-year-old woman end up homeless and alone in a state many miles from home? How did she make the decisions that led to her dying in the woods with nobody to love her or take care of her?

Last week, I heard yet another story of a man who died alone.

Mark was 51 years old. I’m told that he was brilliant. He had a degree in physics from Georgia Tech and various other degrees after that. At one point, he was working on a Ph.D. in physics. One of his great pleasures was talking about quantum physics and speculating about the nature of reality. He had all sorts of ideas about all sorts of interesting thing, and he was sure he was right.

Despite this brilliance, Mark had never done much with his life. He kept meaning to. He kept talking about what he was going to do. There were books he was going to write. There were all sorts of impressive things he planned.

But instead of doing those impressive things, he was living alone in an apartment in a major city. He hated where he lived, but he felt tied there, because that’s where he had access to the social welfare agencies that enabled him to survive — since he wasn’t doing anything to make a living.

He suffered from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, but mostly he suffered from an addiction to alcohol that kept him from doing anything productive. His doctor had told him that he had to quit drinking, because the alcohol was causing some kind of serious problem, but that didn’t stop him from buying vodka and beer every day.

Mark had been divorced many years ago. He had been estranged from his two daughters for years. Just recently, there had been some contact with one of his daughters. The other one still had nothing to do with him, though.

One day last week, he was found alone in his apartment. His condition was described as “unresponsive.” And then he was dead.

What decisions did Mark make that led him to that lonely death in his apartment? What things happened to him along the way that made his promising life into one of misery and torment? What led him to die alone while he kept other people — some of whom wanted to love him — at arm’s length?

Mark’s story hit me hard, because I could see faint echoes of myself in him. I don’t have an alcohol problem (since I don’t even drink) and I don’t have any kind of chronic medical problem. But I am alone in the world and I have made certain decisions that kept out the love that would have made my life very different.

About five and a half years ago, I backed out of marrying a woman who I loved very much and who loved me very much. Why? I’ve talked about here it before, but the reasons were complicated. I had fears about her and I also had fears about myself. Some of my fears were legitimate, but even those legitimate reasons were mostly a cover to prevent me from taking the chance of letting someone in more intimately. I think I was afraid of not having her approval. I was afraid of not being good enough for her. I was afraid of not living up to what she wanted in a husband. So I chose the known pain of being alone instead of facing the unknown fears of not living up to what my would-be wife needed me to be.

Over the last five years, I went into something of a tailspin. I was depressed at having thrown away what I wanted. Since I don’t drink, I didn’t turn to alcohol, but I turned to food as an addiction. I gained about a hundred pounds as I used sugar to “self-soothe” the pain I felt.

Just a few months ago, I finally started getting control of the ways in which I’ve been treating myself. I’ve started work to shed the pounds I had allowed myself to gain. (I’m down 27 pounds so far, but have a long way to go.) I’ve started doing some things professionally that I didn’t want to do, but which I needed to do. I’m exploring longer-term opportunities and pursuing things which I was ignoring not long ago.

I’ve changed a lot of my attitudes. Instead of drifting through life without purpose — as I had been for five years — I’m focused on learning how to be what I used to expect myself to be. I’m trying to recover the focus and determination of the teen self I once knew. I’m re-learning what it means to be great, and I’m figuring out how to put that into practice. I’m trying to learn how to be the person who everyone else — myself included — used to expect me to be.

I don’t want to be like the man who died next door to me. I don’t want to be like homeless Christina. I don’t want to be like Mark. I don’t want to die alone and unloved.

Nobody who’s sane and psychologically healthy wants to die. We want to use our lives to the best of our ability. We want to spend every moment we can enjoying life and enjoying love. I want to use the next 20 or so prime years of my life to achieve the sorts of things that will allow me to feel that my life has been worthwhile. I want to make things that I can be proud of. I want to be rewarded financially for what I know how to do. I want to love and be loved by a woman. I want to raise children in an emotionally healthy and happy home.

Life can be worth so much when we make the right decisions. But it can be a nightmare when we make decisions that leave us alone and unloved.

I’m sorry for the death of the man who died about a hundred feet from me on Thanksgiving. I’m sorry for the death of the woman who died alone in the cold woods two days before Christmas. I’m sorry for the death of a brilliant man alone in his apartment last week.

But I appreciate the lesson they can teach — of the truth they can remind me — that life is worth living only when we make the decisions that produce happy lives.

I want love. I want achievement. I want to be “insanely great.” I can only have any of those things if I focus on making the right decisions. The next couple of decades will decide whether I’ve made the right decisions or not. But for the first time in at least five years, I’m optimistic and I’m confident that I won’t be one of the lonely statistics who dies alone and unloved.

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

  • What do you love enough to want once more before life slips away?
  • Social creatures: We heal each other, but start dying when alone
  • Watching a friend’s happy family makes me feel pangs of jealousy

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

My Instagram

This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was wa This was the Monday evening sunset. While I was waiting for the right color and light, a swarm of gnats descended on my car. It was like the Hitchcock film “The Birds,” except they were gnats. So I got out of there before things could get ugly. 😺 #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I normally get home by the quickest path that will I normally get home by the quickest path that will take me there, but I wasn’t in the mood today to deal with lots of other drivers. So I skipped I-459 and went across the slower two-lane route of Alabama 119. The drive didn’t cure me of all that ails me, but it was a more pleasant and humane experience, at least for me. #nature #naturephotography #trees #countryroad #birmingham #alabama
The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray The skies are a chaotic mix of blue and dark gray in Birmingham this afternoon. It was mostly blue earlier, but at times it’s turned almost dark as night — before going back to this mixture of heavy clouds and clear skies. It’s beautiful, but it’s hard to guess what’s about to happen. (The National Weather Service issued a thunderstorm warning, so that’s what those folks think is going to happen.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I This was the sunset behind the restaurant where I hung out to work for awhile this evening. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. There was just an orange glow for sunset tonight. Nothing fancy. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is what the sky looked like just after sunset This is what the sky looked like just after sunset earlier this evening. I couldn’t decide whether to show you the wider view or the closer view, so you got both. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I caught the last little bit of light Saturday eve I caught the last little bit of light Saturday even just after the sun had gone beneath the horizon. When you watch something such as this, it’s easy to understand why early humans assumed that the sun revolved around us instead of the other way around. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I I missed most of the sunset Friday evening, but I came along just in time to see this color before the light was completely gone. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As I was almost home — from a very long work day As I was almost home — from a very long work day — I saw this gorgeous sunset over Cedar Grove Baptist Church in Leeds, just a mile or so from my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Follow on Instagram

Critter Instagram

For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Follow on Instagram

Contact David

David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

Subscribe

Enter your address to receive notifications by email every time new articles are posted. Then click “Subscribe.”

Donations

If you enjoy this site and want to help, click here. All donations are appreciated, no matter how large or small. (PayPal often doesn’t identify donors, so I might not be able to thank you directly.)




Search

Archives

Secondary Sidebar

Briefly

On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

Read More

Crass Capitalism

Before you buy anything from Amazon, please click on this ad. I’ll get a tiny commission, but it won’t cost you a nickel extra. The cats and I thank you. (If you’re using an ad-blocker and can’t see the ad, you can click here instead.)

© 2011–2022 · All Rights Reserved
Built by: 1955 DESIGN