Shock merger: Democrats, GOP to join in creating new ‘super party’

By David McElroy · August 3, 2011

WASHINGTON — The leaders of the nation’s two dominant political parties announced this morning that they’ve reached a definitive agreement to merge into one super-party in time for the 2012 elections.

Although terms of the deal were not announced, insiders who declined to be identified say that a new corporation will be established to acquire the assets of both the Democratic Party and the Republican Party. It’s expected that the newly combined party will have a market value of roughly $7.8 trillion, according to an economist at the Federal Reserve.

“The more we talked about it during the debt negotiations, the more obvious it was to all of us that we needed to consolidate our operations,” said a clearly jubilant Barack Obama, who will serve as president of the newly merged party. “We realized that we’re both working for the same things, so there was no sense in us opposing one another and duplicating our efforts.”

The name of the new party will be unveiled next week, but insiders say the two finalists are the Demopublican Party and the Republicrat Party. Demopublican was considered the frontrunner because of its association with democracy. A new logo combining the two parties’ long-time symbols has already been released.

“I was initially skeptical when Barack broached the subject with me,” said John Boehner, who will be party vice president and heir apparent for the chief spot when Obama moves on after his next four-year term. “But when I looked at the facts, I saw that we had much more in common that we had any differences. It’s true that we have slightly different special interests backing us, but it’s just going to be a series of integration issues to merge our teams and decide who gets squeezed out.”

Boehner and Obama agreed that it was their June golf outing that paved the way for the historic deal.

“John and I got out there on the golf course and just had fun,” Obama said. “He’s definitely the better golfer, but I can teach him a thing or two about hardball politics. This is going to be the kind of partnership where we can all get what we want.

“Just look at what we accomplished this past week. We scared old people by reminding them they need us for Social Security, we scared the markets by reminding them that they need us to keep borrowing money, and we scared the states by reminding them that they’re doomed without the checks we write to them. That sort of total domination can be bumped up a level now that we no longer have to waste time fighting in Congress.”

Regulatory approval from the Federal Elections Commission will be required before the merger goes through, but Obama expressed confidence that the approval would be a formality.

“Are you kidding me? I’m the president,” Obama said as his new party colleagues laughed along. “Those guys work for me. I can do whatever I want.”

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Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

If you have problems with high blood pressure, I’d like to encourage you to consider making serious changes to your diet. There might be some people who don’t have any choice but to start taking prescription medications for high blood pressure, but I’d like to tell you that I have completely eliminated my issue by eliminating all sugar and almost all carbohydrates. (A couple of months ago, my blood pressure hit 185/144, which was dangerously high — considered stage 3 hypertension.) By completely changing my eating habits, I’m down 22 pounds and my blood pressure is now in the “ideal” range — without taking any medication. In addition, I sleep better and I have more energy. Getting away from the sugar-laden mess that we generally refer to as “highly processed food” has been a life-changer for me. Now my challenge is to avoid slipping back into old habits — by eating in the dangerous ways that almost everyone in our society has come to see as normal.

When I first heard about this, I thought it must be satire. When I discovered it was real, I was appalled, but I still thought it must be a one-time thing from some nutty activist. But it turns out it’s the latest bit of pandering to a bunch of far-left activists who believe that a man can become a woman if he decides to claim he’s a woman. As everybody knows, men have prostate glands. Women do not. Period. End of story. Men can get prostate cancer. Women cannot. But political activists are so eager to pretend that a man claiming to be a “trans woman” is really a woman that they are insisting that “women” be included in public health messages about the issue. This is nothing but political virtue-signaling. If you’re a man, you know which parts you have. You know that you ought to be screened. Nobody is made any safer by dragging far-left gender ideology into simple medical reality.

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

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