WASHINGTON — The leaders of the nation’s two dominant political parties announced this morning that they’ve reached a definitive agreement to merge into one super-party in time for the 2012 elections.
Although terms of the deal were not announced, insiders who declined to be identified say that a new corporation will be established to acquire the assets of both the Democratic Party and the Republican Party. It’s expected that the newly combined party will have a market value of roughly $7.8 trillion, according to an economist at the Federal Reserve.
“The more we talked about it during the debt negotiations, the more obvious it was to all of us that we needed to consolidate our operations,” said a clearly jubilant Barack Obama, who will serve as president of the newly merged party. “We realized that we’re both working for the same things, so there was no sense in us opposing one another and duplicating our efforts.”
The name of the new party will be unveiled next week, but insiders say the two finalists are the Demopublican Party and the Republicrat Party. Demopublican was considered the frontrunner because of its association with democracy. A new logo combining the two parties’ long-time symbols has already been released.
“I was initially skeptical when Barack broached the subject with me,” said John Boehner, who will be party vice president and heir apparent for the chief spot when Obama moves on after his next four-year term. “But when I looked at the facts, I saw that we had much more in common that we had any differences. It’s true that we have slightly different special interests backing us, but it’s just going to be a series of integration issues to merge our teams and decide who gets squeezed out.”
“John and I got out there on the golf course and just had fun,” Obama said. “He’s definitely the better golfer, but I can teach him a thing or two about hardball politics. This is going to be the kind of partnership where we can all get what we want.
“Just look at what we accomplished this past week. We scared old people by reminding them they need us for Social Security, we scared the markets by reminding them that they need us to keep borrowing money, and we scared the states by reminding them that they’re doomed without the checks we write to them. That sort of total domination can be bumped up a level now that we no longer have to waste time fighting in Congress.”
Regulatory approval from the Federal Elections Commission will be required before the merger goes through, but Obama expressed confidence that the approval would be a formality.
“Are you kidding me? I’m the president,” Obama said as his new party colleagues laughed along. “Those guys work for me. I can do whatever I want.”