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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Change sometimes happens slowly, not in the grand leap that we want

By David McElroy · September 27, 2017

When I think back to the first time I spoke with the man, I’m ashamed of myself. I probably felt superior. Maybe a little condescending. I pitied him — even if he didn’t know that.

There’s a dilapidated house not too far from where I live. The houses in the blocks around it vary. Some are nice and newer. Some are old and modest.

But this house was a pile of junk where I would never live.

It hadn’t been painted in years. The wood was slowly rotting. A couple of garage doors that open into the first floor — living space is on the second floor — were falling apart. I doubt those doors had been opened in years. (I doubt they could open anymore.) But this man had just moved his family into the house.

“Yeah, I’m going to fix the house up,” he told me. “It will take me awhile, but I’ll get it done.”

I smiled and continued my walk with my dog, Lucy. I was skeptical. And if I’m being honest, yeah, I was condescending and superior. I might have had my financial troubles in the last five or six years, but I’d never move my family into that piece of junk.

My skepticism seemed to be well-founded. Not much happened at the house. That was probably a year ago. I hardly ever see the people who live there, but I see them move around inside the house or coming down to the laundry room in the first floor.

The house was an eyesore. An older woman had lived there when I first moved to this neighborhood. She wasn’t friendly and I didn’t much like her. I liked her house even less. It was ugly. It was falling apart. It was the worst house anywhere nearby. I never quite said this to myself, but there was a part of me that seemed to feel, “I shouldn’t have to live near this sort of trash.”

Was I thinking of the house or the people? Could I really be that judgmental? Probably.

Slowly, something started happening. I don’t recall what happened first. It was that gradual. The rotting wood was painted. Some boards were replaced. Shutters showed up on windows. One of the dilapidated garage doors was replaced by something the man built. Weeks later, he replaced the other one.

Lucy and I just walked by the house again tonight and I had a sudden realization. The man was keeping his word. That house was changing. He was slowly fixing up that piece of junk. It was becoming a decent — if still modest — home for his family.

It’s still not a house I’d like to live in. It’s still one of the worst houses in the neighborhood. But it’s no longer a rundown place that looks as though it might collapse. It’s a modest home for a man who can’t afford much for his family — but who is giving them the best he can.

As I walked home with Lucy in the dark, it occurred to me that there’s a lesson for me here. I’m impatient. I have very clear pictures in my mind of how I want things to be — what I want my life to look like, what I want my world to look like, what I want my relationships to look like.

I want those things now. Not next week. Not next year. Now.

I’m not patient with myself. Sometimes I’m probably not patient enough — or kind enough — with those from whom I need things. I need people to grow and change. Right now.

And sometimes, change simply takes time.

There are some things in this life that I don’t have time to wait for, unfortunately. I want a wife who wants to have children — and I’m getting to the age that I simply don’t have time to keep waiting. That’s a pragmatic reality that I can’t control. I’m running out of time to wait.

But what if I had been patient a decade ago?

Here’s what I found myself thinking as I walked home in the stillness of night. About 12 or 13 years ago, there was a woman who I was really interested in, but she wasn’t interested in me. She thought there was too much of an age gap for us. She mentioned that one time — and I gave up.

What if I hadn’t given up then? What if I had been confident enough to say, “I understand that you feel that way, but I hope you’ll change your mind. I think you’re worth waiting for.”

What if I’d done that back when we both had time? Instead, we went our separate ways and had completely unrelated ups and downs. What if I had had the foresight to be waiting for her? Would she have turned to me eventually? I can’t say, but I wish I’d had the patience to find out. She was worth waiting for — back when I had the time to wait.

I know what I want my world to look like — what I need my life to look like. I’m no closer to my life looking like what I want it to look like than I was 12 years ago. What if I’d been willing to chip away at things — instead of insisting on one grand leap to the future I wanted? What if I’d been willing to make smaller film projects over and over again? Would I have built to the bigger projects I thought I could leap to in one bound?

That guy who bought the house had the vision to see that some rotting junk could be made livable and could be made into something where he would be happy for his family to live. I have far too much human pride to allow something like that.

I know I’m wrong. And I know that man — at least in this way — is a better man than I am.

I know what I want. I know what I need. I understand that I don’t have the time to wait for certain things, but I also know that I can still do other things in modest, incremental steps.

I’m ashamed of myself for looking down on someone who had the patience and the humility to live in a house that my pride wouldn’t have allowed me to buy. And I’m grateful that he’s given me something new to think about.

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For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliv For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliver some message worth sharing through audio or video if I just had the right platform. It’s always been an intuitive feeling, not a specific plan. And now that I have the technology in place to do a wide variety of media, that nasty old inner critic rears its head, asking whether I really have anything worthwhile to say. And as I sit here practicing, I still have no idea who’s right — my long-term intuition or my harsh inner critic.
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Today was a day when human beings seemed even more Today was a day when human beings seemed even more inexplicable than usual. On days such as this one, I appreciate the beauty and majesty of nature even more than usual. Beauty always makes sense, whether I can put that into words or not. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

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Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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