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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Even when folks praise my work, my secret fear is I may be a fraud

By David McElroy · June 29, 2018

I have a deep need for people to praise me. And I desperately need folks to adore my work — even though this praise and adoration make me feel embarrassed at the same time.

Why?

Because no matter who I become and no matter what excellent work I might do, I am terrified that people will suddenly realize I’m a fraud.

I’ve suffered this secret fear since I was a child. For many years, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. When I was a kid, people praised me for being “so intelligent.” They used superlatives such as “genius” and “once-in-a-lifetime talent,” but I knew better.

On the inside, I was just me. I didn’t feel smart. I didn’t feel talented. I just felt like someone struggling to make it through a confusing childhood. I assumed I was “normal” and I was simply surrounded by idiots. I was certain someone would come along any day and expose the obvious fact that I’d been wrongly praised for years.

I expected that day to come — and I knew it would crush me when it did.

I eventually learned that other people felt this way, too, and that it was called “imposter syndrome,” but that didn’t make me feel any better. I felt tortured by the desperate need for people to praise me and tell me I was great — because I needed to prop up my fragile ego by believing the things they told me — but the praise also shamed me, because the more they believed good things, the more certain I was that they were wrong.

When I started my first newspaper job as a freshman in college, I was a lowly part-time reporter/photographer. The publisher was an important man way above me. He worked in a fancy office and didn’t spend time with people like me. He left the people in the newsroom alone and he managed the business. I didn’t know he even paid attention to what we did.

But one afternoon soon after I started, I came in to find that publisher Shelton Prince had left a note on my desk, which I’d never known of him to do for others. It was brief, but he told me that a story I had done — which had run in that day’s newspaper — was “great.” Actually, he made that word all caps and used an exclamation point. He said it was “GREAT!”

I kept that note for years, but I’m not sure what finally happened to it.

I have two predictable reactions when I get such praise. First, I feel fantastic. I feel as though maybe I might have some talent after all. I feel as though maybe I can do the great things I want to do.

And then comes the downside. The doubts return. Then there’s the voice in my head which says I’ve merely fooled whoever praised me. Or maybe I’ve gotten lucky. Either way, I won’t be able to do something which will be praised that well again. And then I’m scared to do more work — because surely the next work will be terrible and everyone will be disappointed in me — because they’ll know I had just been lucky. They’ll know I was a fraud.

I’m been thinking about this again all week. Two things happened to bring it to mind.

After I posted a photo on several social media sites — a fairly routine picture of one of my cats or dog — a woman commented on it and said, “You are a very talented photographer! I was an art director in NYC for many years and I’d hire you.”

My heart did the old two-step. I was elated that someone with professional experience in the field thought I was good and it made me swell with pride. Then the defensive and fearful part of my brain kicked in. I deflated at the thought that I must have her fooled. Or maybe she just didn’t have great judgment. Either way, she would probably be disappointed if she saw more of my work. Right?

Early Friday morning, I got a message from an older woman who I met by chance late last year in a restaurant. We talked that night for a couple of hours and she told me a lot about her life and issues. It was a pleasant conversation and she found me on Facebook to become friends. Her message this morning was very thoughtful.

“Although most anyone we know would say that a chance meeting between a young man and an elderly great-grandmother was just that, pure chance, I now know it was part of my karmic evolution,” she wrote. “You are perhaps an Older Soul than I am. You have led me to avenues of growth I might have never found, except for you. Thank you for a friendship I know was freely given.”

She made me feel fantastic, although I thought she was giving me too much credit. But as good as it made me feel, I felt that old familiar embarrassment — the fear that she would think differently of me if she knew who I really was. I felt fear of being found lacking by not being who she thought I was.

My rational mind can tell me that my fears are probably groundless, but that fear takes such a powerful hold over part of me that it’s useless to argue.

Tonight, I spent a few minutes browsing my two Instagram accounts. As I looked through those pictures — mostly animals on one and mostly sunsets on the smaller one — I found myself thinking, “Hey, these are pretty good. Maybe I’m better than I fear sometimes.”

I’m terrified to believe in my own value, but a part of me sees the value anyway. Those opposing parts of my mind are at war with one another. I need the confident part to win. I need the fearful part to die, just as the man who created that part also died two months ago.

The confident part of my mind knows I’m smart and talented. That part knows I can do anything I attempt. That part knows I’m capable of great things. That part knows how much I have to offer to the world and to a family and to friends.

My imposter syndrome needs to die. I need to move on from a place where I was always waiting for someone to criticize me or give me back-handed compliments.

The fearful part of me doesn’t want to let me think this, much less allow me to say it, but I know I’m capable of great things — that I’m going to do great things — as soon as the fear can get out of the way.

Then I can finally become who I’ve always needed to be.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: imposter syndrome, psychology

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I just remembered that I shot photos Friday evenin I just remembered that I shot photos Friday evening just before sunset. These two shots were only about a minute apart, just with different lenses. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices se As far as I know, there were no nuclear devices set off anywhere near Birmingham this evening, but this cloud formation looked very much like a mushroom cloud rising in the west as I went through downtown Birmingham on I-65 around 6:30 tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #birmingham #alabama
For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliv For many years, I’ve believed that I could deliver some message worth sharing through audio or video if I just had the right platform. It’s always been an intuitive feeling, not a specific plan. And now that I have the technology in place to do a wide variety of media, that nasty old inner critic rears its head, asking whether I really have anything worthwhile to say. And as I sit here practicing, I still have no idea who’s right — my long-term intuition or my harsh inner critic.
Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite Just after sunset Friday evening, there was quite a pastel light show in the sky to the west of me. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just wa This is the Thursday evening sunset that I just watched behind a restaurant in Moody. It’s been raining all evening, but it cleared just enough for some colorful light to poke through the clouds. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just realized that I had some other photos from I just realized that I had some other photos from Wednesday night’s sunset which I could have posted. I ended up posting an iPhone panorama, but this is what a section of that looked like with the Sony A7 IV instead. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the h Just a minute before the sun slipped beneath the horizon, the late-evening light was colorful and magical Thursday. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this I didn’t have a lens wide enough to capture this with my “real” camera, so this is just an iPhone panorama. It was beautiful to see in person. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just heard that tonight’s moon is something ca I just heard that tonight’s moon is something called a “supermoon,” so I photographed it to see if I could see anything unusual, but it looked pretty much the same to me. What exactly is different about this one? Does anyone know? #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #birmingham #alabama
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For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to For “throwback Thursday, let me introduce you to Sam. In 2009, I took in a young feral cat who I named for the early American revolutionary Samuel Adams. He was one of the most confident — downright arrogant, in fact — cats I’ve ever been around. He had an amazing personality and I immediately loved him. He was no more than 8 or 9 months old when he suddenly died for reasons that my vet couldn’t explain. Even though I had him only a short time, he was one of my all-time favorites. #tbt #cats #tabby #feral #birmingham #alabama
I’ve never been as curious about what a cat migh I’ve never been as curious about what a cat might be thinking as I constantly am about Merlin. As I watch him sitting here on the edge of my desk late Wednesday night, I can’t help but conclude he’s a very deep thinker. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshl Lucy has been happily rolling around in the freshly cut grass of the back yard Wednesday evening. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Ca Thomas believes that he is the Most Interesting Cat in the World — and I can’t say he’s wrong tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the off Merlin is ready for me to turn the last of the office lights off so he and Thomas can sleep peacefully without me muttering to myself as I write. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and Lucy just finished a Neighborhood Watch patrol and now she’s cooling off in the back yard before heading inside for dinner. Her work is never done. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as Except when he’s asleep, Thomas always looks as though he’s on high alert and ready to run away from danger. His feral early years still dominate his internal programming. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but s Lucy just finished her last walk of the day, but she still wants more attention. She’s sitting in front of me looking expectantly. She seems certain that we will go outside for one more adventure if she’s persistent enough. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — My favorite photos of Merlin tend to be those — such as this one — in which he seems to be contemplating difficult issues. Feline philosophy or quantum physics or something else that he figures I wouldn’t understand. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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