Film’s tortured protagonist feels uncomfortably familiar to me

By David McElroy · December 15, 2018

Arlen Faber is supposed to be the guy who knows everything. Years ago, he wrote a best-selling spiritual book called “Me and God.” He never wrote anything else, but everybody wants to meet the man who’s so wise and so close to God.

The only problem is that Faber avoids the world. He feels like a fraud. He hates people and has nothing new to say. He’s an unhappy recluse who lives in anonymity — until circumstances conspire to bring some new people into his life and turn everything upside down.

“The Answer Man” didn’t get great reviews when it was released in 2009, but it quickly became one of my favorite movies — all because I felt an awful, uncomfortable sense of identification with Faber’s character. His story isn’t mine. The terrible way he treats people isn’t the way I treat people. His overt anger and language aren’t like me.

But something in the story of a tortured character who is forced to come to terms with who he really is — in ways that require him to admit that he doesn’t have all the answers — resonated with me in an emotional way. I watched it again last night and I had the same irrational and emotional reaction to it.

What movie tells the story of your life? I realize that no movie tells your actual story — unless someone’s made a bio-pic of your life — but there are sometimes movies that we can strangely identify with, even if the plot line is nothing like what’s actually happened to us.

Maybe we strongly identify with a character (for good or bad). Maybe it shows a lesson we’ve learned or a lesson we know we need to learn. There can be a lot of reasons.

Do you have any movie like that for your own life?

Although there are movies (and characters) I would prefer to identify with, I still have this inexplicable feeling of identifying with Faber’s character — and I’ve known since I first saw the movie that I need to learn something from him.

It’s considered a romantic comedy, but the Faber character is far too relatable for me to laugh at it too much, even though the over-the-top portrayal of someone who hates the world is an exaggeration of anything I’ve ever felt. When I watch the film, I go back and forth between shame at the portrayal of some things I see as my own inner faults when I hide from the world and emotional delight and hope as Faber takes a chance on becoming vulnerable and growing in order to win the love of a woman and her young son.

Toward the end of the film, Faber faces a crowd in a book store for the first time in years. They’re pressing him for wise answers to their problems. He finally tells the truth.

“I’m not a guy with answers,” he suddenly cries out with both frustration and relief.

“So you’re just like the rest of us,” asks the book store owner.

“Uh, not yet, but I’m trying,” Faber responds as he slips away from the crowd.

I can’t tell you exactly why I identify with this movie so much. Part of it is his longstanding disdain for others and his fear of being seen as a fraud. Another part is his intense loneliness and his struggle to become acceptable to a woman when he finally meets someone who’s everything he’s wanted.

But in all of that, nothing sums up what I identify with like that line from Faber about being as good as everybody else: “Not yet, but I’m trying.”

I’ve been struggling for years to find the right way to accept who I am, for both good and bad. The things which made me exceptional in some ways were also the things which made me feel so separate from the world.

I still haven’t worked out exactly how to be who I am but still connect with more people in emotionally healthy ways. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.

Note: You can see the trailer for “The Answer Man” here. Reviews were mediocre, but I think it’s best seen as a life lesson for me rather than as a romantic comedy. Jeff Daniels and Lauren Graham are the romantic leads. I don’t know where you could see the film these days, but I have a copy, so if you’re ever with me, I’ll share.

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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