Maturity asked me to learn that I’d never win certain arguments

By David McElroy · January 9, 2019

I have a confession to make.

I used to get into terrible arguments with people online. It could be about all sorts of things, although I guess most of them centered around politics. It took me a long time, but I was finally able to quit doing this. I walk away from argument now. What changed?

First, I admitted to myself that my real motivation for continuing to argue was fear that the other person — or those following the argument — would assume I wasn’t smart enough to respond. I finally realized that it was just my ego getting in the way of walking away.

Second, I finally accepted that it doesn’t matter to me what other people think of me, especially random strangers online. I finally became mature enough — many years after this should have been so — for me not to be intimidated by the fear that someone might think I wasn’t smart enough.

These are things I should have learned as a teen-ager or young man. I guess I’m a slow learner.

I’m thinking about this tonight because of an incident I had on Facebook an hour or so ago. An English friend of mine posted a link to a story about something really bizarre that a person had done to his body — and my friend (rightly) called it grotesque. I commented that the bizarre things is that we are now supposed to pretend that it’s normal and healthy for people to do any strange thing to their bodies.

One of his friends told me it was none of my business, so I should move on. I pointed out that if it’s wrong for me to have an opinion about something which is “none of my business,” it’s also none of his business to have an opinion about me having an opinion. I don’t mind if people disagree with me, but I found his hypocrisy stunning. He wanted to judge me harshly for having an opinion — when the gist of his opinion was that I shouldn’t have an opinion.

After about my second response — when I simply made sure I had been clear about my point — I told him it wasn’t worth arguing about. And then I moved on.

If this had been 10 years ago, I would have still on on that page arguing with him right now. Even though it was clear his cognitive dissonance wouldn’t allow him to see the hypocrisy of his position — and thus I wouldn’t be able to get him to understand — I would have continued the argument because of the other people following along.

I would have been terrified that if I quit responding — or walked away — the other people reading the thread would have assumed I wasn’t smart enough to respond. And so I would have continued a pointless argument — all to avoid the shame of someone thinking something which I can’t control anyway.

At this point in my life, I don’t have the time or energy for arguments. I don’t mind clarifying my views or position for those who misunderstand something about what I’ve said, but I have zero interest in arguing with anyone, especially strangers online.

I’m not always right. In fact, I try not to hold too dogmatic a position about many things these days. I might change my mind about various things by next year or the year after. I often decide I’ve been wrong. So what’s the point in defending my ego, especially when I know I might be mistaken?

The combination of the ego and personal shame can lead people to do things which are completely contrary to their real needs. As I keep finding more things like that in my life, I hope I can have the maturity to continue to change.

I like the person I am now a lot better than the person I was 10 years ago. I hope I can say the same thing in another 10 years. Keeping a shamed ego in its right place can be a full-time job.

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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