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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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Lack of specific needs and wants makes my world feel meaningless

By David McElroy · February 7, 2021

The world is out of focus for me tonight. It’s fuzzy. Unclear. Like looking through a camera lens that’s covered with raindrops.

The problem isn’t the world. The problem is in my head. Or in my heart. It’s hard to say. I just know I’m the problem. The world is still just as dysfunctional as ever, but it’s no different than it always is. The change is in me.

I didn’t enjoy dinner tonight. I didn’t enjoy the company I had. There was nothing wrong with the food. There was nothing wrong with the woman with whom I ate. But nothing felt right. Everything felt wrong.

I don’t know what I want.

There’s an empty feeling gnawing at me. I want something, but what? My life has always been centered around the answers to these questions. What do I want? What do I need? What am I trying to accomplish? Whose love am I trying to win? And now?

I don’t know what I want.

After I left dinner and dropped off my dinner companion, the vague feeling of emptiness caused me to stop at a grocery store. I’d feel better if I could get something to make me happy.

The store had every snack choice under the sun. Ice cream. Lemon pies. Chocolate pies. Potato chips. Doughnuts. Cakes. Popcorn. Pastries.

I wandered down aisles and looked at dozens of things which have tasted good to me. Things which have satisfied me — to one extent or another — in the past. But it all might as well have been made of sand or straw.

Nothing sounded good. Helpful employees asked if they could help me find anything, but I couldn’t tell them anything I was looking for.

I don’t know what I want.

Standing in the middle of the frozen desserts aisle, I suddenly realized that what I wanted more than anything else was to want something. To need something. To know what I wanted.

To desperately want something I can’t have is awful, but I can have hope when I feel that way. If I want a particular woman’s love, I can hold out hope that she will love me and choose me.

If I want to earn some material prize, I can imagine what it’s like to have it. I can think about how to go about chasing it.

If I want some particular achievement, I can dream about what it will feel like. I can plan and scheme about how to make it happen.

But tonight, there’s nothing in particular which I can say would make me happy or joyful or fulfilled. My world has been trending in that direction for a long while. Maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe even years. And I don’t quite know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to live with the emptiness of not having something specific that I need.

My long-term mood lately is summed up in a lyric from a very old Steve Taylor song: “Life’s too short for small talk, so don’t be talking trivia now. Excess baggage fills this plane. There’s more than we should ever allow.”

I’m distracted by the feeling that everything I’m doing in my life now is trivia and that everything in my life feels like “excess baggage.” I’ve never felt as urgent about finding purpose and meaning and love and all the things that seem important to me — because I have none of those.

I’m incredibly impatient with everything that our culture sees as important or worthwhile in life. This has been true for a long time, but it feels more urgent than ever. It just seems as though I’m seeing the sand run through the hourglass of my life too quickly — and I’m desperate for the meaning that’s still missing.

I am more convinced than ever that love and connection and meaning and beauty are at the center of what is missing in my life, but I have no idea how to find the missing pieces — much less what I should be doing with myself to find the meaningful pieces that are missing.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need.

When I was young, I wanted success and money and fame and power. I wanted much that our society teaches us is important. I can’t pretend that it wouldn’t be nice to have some of those things — just for material comfort’s sake — but I’m painfully aware that having an unlimited amount of money and success wouldn’t change what I’m feeling right now.

I grew up learning how to play the same game that all of American culture is playing, but I’ve rejected that game — even though I haven’t figured out what game I’m trying to play instead. I can name aspects that are connected to the “game” I want to play — those things such as love, connection, meaning, beauty, creation — but I don’t understand what it all adds up to.

For the first time in my life, I’d rather live like a monk doing something that feeds my soul — whatever that might be — than to become wealthy doing things which don’t matter to me, as I’m doing today. It feels to me as though it’s a matter of life and death.

I feel as though finding meaning is my way to live but continuing to do things the “normal” way of my culture is death. And with each passing year, I feel as though I’m running out of time. This terrifies me.

I feel as though I can still do pretty much anything I need to do. I haven’t lost any of the abilities I’ve ever had. But without some goals — without specific things to want and need — my abilities and drives are useless.

I want something to want. Something to need.

I want someone to love. Someone to sacrifice for. Someone who shares my vision of what we’re trying to achieve in the world.

I want a purpose again. I want something that matters enough to get me up in the morning. I don’t care about the outward indicators of success or wealth. I just want something that’s so meaningful I’m excited to pursue it every day.

I used to know who I wanted. I used to know what I thought I was trying to accomplish. I used to know which things were worth sacrificing for.

But I don’t know what I want anymore — what I need anymore — and that makes my world tonight feel bleak and unfocused and meaningless. And that’s slowly killing me inside, even thought I look perfectly fine to an outside observer.

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This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evenin This was the view just after sunset Tuesday evening near my house. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me At sunset Tuesday evening, the cloud cover over me was solidly gray and black, but one tiny break in the clouds appeared just for a few minutes to show a little bit of sunset’s colorful light. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered that I caught the sun just befor I just remembered that I caught the sun just before it slipped beneath the horizon Tuesday evening. This is near my house just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This was another experiment with a moon photo — This was another experiment with a moon photo — with my iPhone — but I allowed the moon to be overexposed in order to get the clouds in the foreground to show up. I’d really like to figure out how pros do shots of this sort. I don’t have it even close to right. #nature #naturephotography #sky #clouds #moon #iphone14
This is the sunset I just watched right after dinn This is the sunset I just watched right after dinner. It was one of the most vibrantly colorful displays I’ve seen in weeks. It was really beautiful. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I don’t have the right lens to photograph the mo I don’t have the right lens to photograph the moon properly, but there are some nights when I try anyway. The longest lens I have goes to 240mm, which means I have to enlarge a tiny part of the frame way too much. But even if I had the right lens, I’m not sure I’ve figured out how to expose the moon decently while still showing some stars around it. Tonight’s attempt has given me a grainy moon and pinpricks of stars that become invisible when viewed at normal size. (Blow this up with your fingers in the app and you can see the tiny stars.) I really want to learn how to do this better, so if anyone has tips for me, I’d be happy to hear them. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon
It’s been really hot in Birmingham today, so I’ve been thinking about how much I’m looking forward to fall. My iPhone must’ve been reading my mind, because it just showed this photo from November 2016 to me as a featured photo from my library. I remember this day well. It was in Trussville, which is just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #colorful #autumn #autumnleaves #birmingham #alabama
I just remembered this sunset photo that I took th I just remembered this sunset photo that I took this evening when I had stopped to get gasoline on I-20 just east of Birmingham. I was pumping gas when I suddenly realized the sky had erupted with bright pastel colors. I didn’t have time to get my “real” camera, so I just quickly shot two frames with my iPhone at the edge of the parking lot. It keeps surprising me just how good cameras on our smartphones have become. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham We had dark and stormy skies all day in Birmingham, but there was a little bit of light that was finally able to poke through the darkness right at sunset along U.S. 411 just east of Birmingham. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about Lucy is doing her Neighborhood Watch duties about half a mile from home late Friday night. No matter how many times we do this, the sounds of the night always fascinate her. Watch the way her ears are constantly adjusting to pick up on something else. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for t Alex has been battling this little toy mouse for the last hour or so. A friend sent him several of these last December and he just discovered one of them tonight. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided Now that his big brother is gone, Alex has decided he has to be the alpha cat around the house, so he has his fiercest face on display. I don’t think anybody is going to want to mess with this powerful predator. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Alex seems to have regained his composure by late Thursday night. I don’t know what he might or might not feel about Thomas’s death, but his behavior seems to be returning to what is normal for him. He still wants to be very close to me, but that has always been a key feature of his personality. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appro For “throwback Thursday,” I think it’s appropriate to go back to 2011 for the first photo I was ever able to get with Thomas. He was still living outside my house and I was feeding him on the porch. It took me quite awhile to get him to let me hold him long enough for this brief photo, but he clawed his way out of my arms very quickly. This was the very first photo that I used when I was still trying to find a home for him in October 2011 — before I took him inside to stay soon afterward. #tbt #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I just got home for the evening and laid down on t I just got home for the evening and laid down on the bed, not realizing how quickly Alex would be lying on my chest purring. I think he’s happy that I’m home. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best Alex still looks like a man who just lost his best friend today, but he’s a lot closer to acting like his normal self than he was last night. I wish we could know how a cat or dog goes about processing the loss of a companion. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow Alex has calmed down quite a bit. I hope tomorrow will seem more routine for him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally Alex still seems confused tonight, but he finally ate a little bit of food. I know that he’ll be back to his normal self pretty quickly, but it really does seem as though Thomas’s death this afternoon has left him perplexed. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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