What do you really want in life? Believe actions, not empty goals

By David McElroy · June 12, 2021

Have you ever made a list of goals for your life? Most of us have. I’ve tended to make such lists when I’ve gotten disgusted with myself. When I feel stuck, I pull out a notepad and make a list.

It’s a good thing to make concrete goals and put them onto paper, isn’t it? Sometimes, yes. But I’ve slowly come to realize something about my elaborate plans and goals.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve realized lately that I’ve mostly made those lists as a way to make myself feel better — and as a way to avoid having to take action toward what I wanted.

That’s right. My goal-setting has usually been pure fantasy. Wish lists. I might as well have been asking a genie to grant me three wishes.

I don’t have one of those lists in front of me right now, but I wouldn’t share it with you if I did, because all it would do is show you how ineffective I’ve been at pursuing my goals. I’m really good at complaining. I’m pretty good at talking.

But I haven’t been very effective at doing.

I’ve recently realized that there’s plenty of competition in this world to be heard as a complainer or as a talker — but the field for real “doers” is wide open.

There’s a dirty little secret about pursuing real goals. Every goal comes with a cost. When we’re making lists of goals, it’s easy to write down whatever sounds good.

Yes, I want to lose weight and get into shape. Yes, I want to save a million dollars in the next five years. Yes, I want a better romantic relationship than what I have right now. Yes, I want to own homes in three different places. Yes, I want to build a business that will make me wealthy.

Look at the things you say you want. If someone gave those things to you — like our magical genie — would you take them? Of course.

I’d like to be in better shape, but I really want this ice cream right now. Yes, I want to save a million dollars, but I can start next month. Maybe next year. Yes, I want love and connection with someone, but I’d rather not have to find someone new. That’s difficult. And on and on and on.

I want everything on every list I’ve ever made — but I have rarely been willing to pay the price that comes with each goal I’ve set.

Life is full of tradeoffs. I say this all the time. It’s one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in life. If I want something great for next year, I have to go through some pain and discomfort right now. It always seems to work that way. And when I’m unwilling to go through some discomfort — to face issues I’m afraid to face — I won’t have that great thing next year.

And my list of goals will remain just a wish list.

I’ve been thinking lately about all the things that’ve been on my lists of goals and plans. They all sound good, but I’m making some tough decisions and marking some of them off my mental list. Why?

Sometimes I count the cost of something I say I want — and I realize I don’t want it enough to pay the price.

What if you’re not sure whether you really want something or not? What if you know you want something better — new job, new relationship, new city, whatever — but you don’t know whether you’re willing to go through the pain and discomfort of making a difficult change?

Flip a coin. I’m serious.

One of two things is likely to happen. When the coin is in the air, you’re suddenly going to know which choice you’re hoping will land. Or when the coin lands and you see what it chooses for you, you’ll feel either relief or regret — telling you what you had really been hoping for.

Go with what you hope for — in that crucial moment — that the coin flip is about to show. That’s what you really want.

Now just go do it, whatever the cost is. And stop making excuses.

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I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.

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